Desperate Housewives: Episode 4.4 "If There's Anything I Can't Stand" Recap
Desperate Housewives:  Episode 4.4 "If There's Anything I Can't Stand" Recap
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
According to the Mary Alice voiceover, this week's Desperate Housewives is gonna be about pests. Catherine's aunt, Lily, has come home to Wisteria Lane to die. Before she does, however, she wants to clear her conscience and tell Dylan about what they did the last time they lived there. Catherine, of course, is adamant that Dylan not find out. I guess Aunt Lily is Catherine's pest.

Bob Hunter lives in NYC. He hates the pests there, the rats, the bugs, etc. He's had enough. So he and his partner, Lee, are moving to the suburbs, but the suburbs have their own pests ... Susan. She starts off on the wrong foot by commenting to Lee that he and his wife have beautiful taste in furniture. When Lee introduces her to Bob, his partner, she assumes he means his business partner. When she finally realizes that he means domestic partner, she patronizes him by telling him that she watches cable so she 'gets it'. He's really offended by this time.

When Bob mentions Rafael in her hearing, she again jumps to an erroneous conclusion that they are having a threesome in the house or something. Lee then sarcastically remarks that they are 'Gay Mormons'. I guess the Desperate Housewives writers are going to be equal opportunity offenders this season. A couple of weeks ago they offended Filipinos and this week they are trying to offend Mormons. Anyway, it turns out that Rafael is their dog.

Rex's mom, Phyllis, has sent Daniele a motor scooter, and Bree is not happy about it. When Andrew asks if they can keep it, she announces that they are donating it to the church for the raffle. Andrew is ticked. I'm thinking that Phyllis is going to be Bree's pest.

After months of feeling crappy because of the chemo, Lynette is feeling a little frisky. She and Tom begin making out and her wig slips. This is a big turn off to Tom and he can't perform. He makes an excuse, but Lynette sees through it.

The girls want to give Bree a baby shower, but she doesn't want one and tries to talk them out of it. After she leaves, Andrew, with a sly look, tells them that perhaps he can be of service.

Gabi is with Lynette in the wig store to get Lynette's wig repaired. Lynette tells Gabi about Tom being turned off by her baldness. Gabi tells her to get a different wig and play act because men like variety.

Edie is at the doctor for a general check up and finds out that she has crabs. She says she got them from the tanning bed <shrug>. Carlos freaks when she tells him and she says that it's a good thing they are in a monogamous relationship otherwise they'd have to call and tell people to get treated. Carlos finds Gabi at a political function for Victor and tells her. It's her turn to freak out. They say that Victor will kill them both. They turn around to look at Victor, just as he scratches his private parts.

It's 'Let's Pretend' night on Wisteria Lane. Lynette pretends to be a redheaded cheerleader named Brandi to seduce Tom, and it works. Gabi pretends to be Nurse Gabi to surreptitiously apply the crab medicine to Victor.

The next day, Julie finds Rafael loose and brings him home. She's going to put him back into their yard, but Susan interferes. She decides that she's going to keep the dog for a while, make them think he's lost, and play heroine and find him. Then they'll like her.

Catherine has given Aunt Lily a sleeping pill and leaves to go to the bank. Aunt Lily, however, only pretended to take the sleeping pill and as soon as she hears Catherine leave, she calls for Dylan. When Dylan comes upstairs, Aunt Lily tells her that she knows why she doesn't remember much about their previous time there. Just as she gets ready to tell Dylan what they did, Catherine comes back and catches her. She sends Dylan out of the room, takes her little bell and tells Lily that she really should get her rest.

Aha! That sly look in Andrew's eyes was his plan to get back at his mother for refusing him the scooter. He's facilitated a surprise baby party for his mother and has invited Phyllis, who he knows his mother can't stand.

At the party, Tom tells Lynette that he wants to get frisky again tonight with Brandi, but Lynette tells him that the kids got to the wig and messed it up. Tom is really disappointed. Lee is outside looking for Raphael and Susan goes out and offers to help.

Phyllis comments to Bree on the lack of pictures of Rex in the house. Bree tells her that it's to make her new husband comfortable. Phyllis makes all sorts of snarky comments to aggravate Bree. She throws in her face that when Bree was married to Rex, Phyllis gave her a sable coat that belonged to her mother. Bree told her that she'd give it back, but Phyllis refused. On her way out, though, Phyllis changes her mind and asks Andrew where the coat is. Without thinking, Andrew tells her it's in his mom's bedroom closet and off she goes. When Bree sees her going upstairs, she questions Andrew and he realizes what he's done.

Bree rushes upstairs but it's too late. Phyllis has discovered the different size fake stomachs and Bree is forced to tell her the truth about Daniele and where she is. Phyllis is thrilled that she's going to be a great-grandmother. When Bree tells her that she can't hang around the baby or people would be suspicious, they get into another argument that turns into a who's the worst mother discussion. Bree tells Phyllis that she knows she messed up with her kids, but she's going to have a second chance with this baby. Phyllis goes downstairs and gets everyone's attention. At first it looks as though she's going to tell Bree's secret, but then just announces that she's leaving.

Lee and Susan are still looking for Raphael. Lee's upset because Bob is home and he'll have to tell him that the dog is lost. He's so grateful to Susan for helping like this even after he's treated her so badly. When she goes inside to get cold drinks, Mike comes home. When Mike opens their garage door, Raphael runs out barking and tracking yellow paint. When Susan comes out, Lee asks her what Raphael was doing in her garage.

Still at the party, Victor and Edie are at the punchbowl. She sniffs and tells him that he has interesting 'cologne'. He tells her that his wife bought it especially for him. She tells him that it is such a familiar scent. After he walks off, she realizes where she's smelled it before. She eyes Victor, Gabi and Carlos.

That night, Tom has bought a black wig for Lynette and wants her to pretend to be Candi when they make love. She's upset because it seems he can't just make love to Lynette anymore. He tells her that he wants to make love to someone who's not sick, to pretend for awhile. They have a long overdue discussion about feelings and she realizes that she's never asked him how he was coping with her being sick. They make up and although she offers to be Candi, Tom makes love to Lynette.

Aunt Lily calls for Dylan. Catherine hears her and shuts the door and tells Dylan she should practice her cello for a recital she has coming up. As Dylan practices, we see Lily struggling to be heard, then finally sees a pen and paper at her bedside. She writes a note and then dies. The folded note falls from her hand.

Mary Alice voiceover time. Pests disrupt our lives, they start out as just annoying and we try to ignore them. But sometimes if we don't take them seriously, they can become dangerous. Cut to the convent. Phyllis is there and Daniele's packing to leave.

The problem with pests, we're told, is that what they leave behind can be more dangerous. Cut to Lily's body being removed from Catherine's house, but the folded paper lay on the floor, unnoticed.

Next week on Desperate Housewives, the neighborhood explodes. Daniele comes home and confronts her mother and Gabi's little gardener boyfriend comes to win her back.

-Ladytex, BuddyTV Writer and Forum Moderator
(Image courtesy of ABC)