So, we tried this with
Survivor the other day and now we're going to do it with
Dancing with the Stars. That's right, it's a live blog. So, if you're watching it live with me (like, right now), keep refreshing the page for life-affirming updates. Me and you, together, can make this think work. Let's begin.
8:00: And we're off. My first impression: the announcer's voice is completely ridiculous and I love it.
8:01: Oh yeah, I've never watched this show before in my life. So, you know, keep that in mind. I do like most celebrity dancing shows, however.
8:03: I'm rooting for Emmitt Smith tonight. I feel it's my duty.
8:04: Whoa! I remember when Joey Lawrence was a heartthrob. Now he looks like Howie Mandel's little brother.
8:05: Tom Bergeron is the Bill Fitch of TV hosting. Always getting gigs, always has an under .500 record.
8:06: How about that? My boy Emmitt is up first, doing the tango. He is worried that his excess of travelling will hurt his performance. Believe, Emmitt. BELIEVE!!
8:08: So, that tango was okay, I suppose. I'm used to the young pros on
So You Think You Can Dance, and I'm going to need to re-calibrate my dance criticism.
8:09: Token UK judge is disappointed. You smarmy bastard. Carrie Ann liked it. The other guy was wishy-washy.
8:10: A total of 19 out of 30 from the judges.
8:14: A long commercial from Disney who's only goal, it seems, is to promote a staunchly pro-dream agenda. Umm, you've convinced me Disney. I'm no longer anti-dream.
8:15: Monique Coleman, from "High School Musical" is up next. Her mom is here this week. So, she's excited.
8:17: Monique is performing the Jive to a cover of Glen Frey's "The Heat is On". Me and my buddies used to bump this song in my friend's Aerostar van. Yeah, we were cool in High School. The dance was good, mostly because the two are wearing matching yellow outfits.
8:18: The judges are loving it. Len Goodman seems to be speaking tonight with a number of cottonballs in his mouth.
8:19: Scissor Sisters perform on air tomorrow. Sweet.
8:20: Three nines from the judges for a 27 out of 30.
8:22: Ted Danson is back on TV tonight. Chances of success: depressingly low.
8:24: Harry Hamlin (of "LA Law" fame) is up next. To prepare for his upcoming tango, he went to an Argentine restaurant. He's making up a really silly story for the dance. "Passion, Passion, Passion," he says. Kudos to Harry for his exceptional gravitas.
8:27: Bruno and Carrie Ann think he's a little awkward. Len thinks it was great.
8:30: Who makes the Taco Bell commercials? God, they're awful.
8:32: Harry's scores: 22 out of 30.
8:33: Ashly "felt" Harry's passion, apparently. Well, that's fairly lewd. This is a family show, ABC!
8:34: Willa Ford is up next and she's damn hot. However, during training their is some conflict between Willa and her pro.
8:36: Willa's performing in a pink number that is the definition of skimpy, but she's wearing this stupid miniature dunce cap on her head. She did a good job though.
8:37: Bruno chides Len for his grumpiness. "Lovely American cheesecake," Bruno calls the dance. I guess that's good.
8:42: WIlla's scores: 22 out of 30. Willa looks exactly like a younger, heavier Gwen Stefani. Which is awesome.
8:45: Jerry Springer is up next. Now, let's realize that Jerry is 62 years old. If he doesn't break a hip, it's a success. His partner Kim wants him to encapsulate the persona of James Bond for this tango. Yeah, I know.
8:47: Springer does the best he can, which isn't terribly good. The crowd loves him though. Who doesn't love Jerry Springer. Bergeron makes a weak George Lazenby joke.
8:48: The judges are all very kind to Jerry. I have a feeling ABC wants to keep Springer on for some much needed comic relief.
8:50: The scores for the former mayor: 21 out of 30.
8:53: Before the commercial, we see Mario Lopez do a little shadowboxing, presumably to warm up. Now, I have no choice but to be a Mario fan; I'm a big "Saved By the Bell" supporter. Since SBTB, Lopez's career has been really weird: playing Greg Louganis in a biopic, starring in the bike cop drama "Pacific Blue", co-hosting ESPN's short-lived ESPN Hollywood, and co-hosting the also short-lived male version of "The View". Mostly, I'm glad that A.C. Slater has stuck around, if only at the fringes of celebrity. Somehow, it just makes me happy.
8:56: Country star Sara Evans is up next and, I'm sad to say, she is someone who I didn't know existed. Welcome to my personal zeitgeist, Sara. Stick around awhile.
8:58: It's a country-western jive to "These Boots are Made for Walkin". This is pretty fun, I'll admit. I probably enjoyed this dance more than any other tonight. Maybe it's just the song.
9:00: The judges all love it. I'm not crazy, after all.
9:01: If Stats Inc. put together a Laughs per Joke stat (LPG%) Tom Bergeron would be languishing far below the Mendoza line.
9:02: The scores for Sara: 25 out of 30.
9:03: My boy Mario is up next. Last week, Mario got lambasted by the judges for his flashiness. This week, they're doing the tango. They are going for an "array of emotions". We shall see.
9:04: This may be the first tango ever danced to a Gwen Stefani cover.
9:05: A.C. Slater can dance!
9:06: Len Goodman is a cranky limey bastard. Bruno agrees that he shouldn't have "broken" the tango. Carrie Ann wants them to "respect the rules". Why do the judges on a dancing show hate dancing? Why do I care so much?
9:10: ....so many commercials....aaaaaaaaaaah
9:12: Mario's scores: 22 out of 30 (Len gives a 6)
9:13: Mario is a little defensive about his rule-breaking. Bergeron: Lame Joke #9,546
9:14: Vivica A. Fox (from "Kill Bill" and "Independence Day") is up next. She is practicing ballet for the tango this week. Vivica is in her forties, but still looks good.
9:16: Vivica's tango was pretty boring and easy-looking. By the rules, though. Which is important.
9:17: The judges all love the dance and Vivica starts crying tears of joy. She may not be emotionally stable.
9:19: Vivica's scores: 27 out of 30. I politely disagree.
9:22: Our final
Dancing with the Stars performer tonight: little Joey Lawrence.
9:24: They'll be performing the Jive to "Blue Suede Shoes", so Joey will be wearing...suede shoes. How fitting.
9:26: Why is man cleavage so omnipresent in dancing?
9:28: I'll admit that was pretty good.
9:29: They broke the rules also, because they used some lifts. Len hates it. "Is this Cirque de Soleil?" he asks.
9:30: Joey gets a 22 out of 30.
And that's it for tonight's 90-minute
Dancing with the Stars. I'll be back tomorrow for the Results Show, where Jerry Springer may be put out of his misery.
-Oscar Dahl