And the award for most passive-aggressive press release in the history of the universe goes to...CBS!
Today the network launched a faux press release announcing its new reality series Dancing on the Stars
. The move is obviously a commentary on the recent legal battle between CBS and ABC over The Glass House
, ABC's Big Brother
-esque reality series. Since the judge allowed The Glass House
to air despite claims that it was infringing on Big Brother
's copywright, CBS decided to fire back by creating its own "completely original idea."
Dancing on the Stars
would allegedly feature "moderately famous and sort of well-known people you almost recognize" competing by dancing at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, literally dancing on the graves of famous dead people like Cecil B. DeMille and George Harrison.
Lest there's anyone out there who actually thinks this is real and starts to get upset over CBS disrespecting the dead, it's obviously a joke. It's a modern version of Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal
, where he suggested that starvation could be cured by eating babies. I know it sounds ridiculous that I need to point out this isn't real, but when I was in middle school one of my classmates started crying after she read A Modest Proposal
because she thought it was real. So clearly satire goes over some people's heads.
The tongue-in-cheek press release is an epic achievement in passive-aggressive behavior, a beautiful satire that shows the people at CBS have a surprisingly sharp sense of humor. It's probably the smartest response the network could've made regarding The Glass House
without actually dancing on the show's grave, since the ratings were pretty terrible.
Enjoy the press release about Dancing on the Stars
, in its entirety, below:CBS ANNOUNCES DEVELOPMENT OF "DANCING ON THE STARS," AN EXCITING AND COMPLETELY ORIGINAL REALITY PROGRAM THAT OWES ITS CONCEPT AND EXECUTION TO NOBODY AT ALL
Los Angeles, June 20, 2012 - Subsequent to recent developments in the creative and legal community, CBS Television today felt it was appropriate to reveal the upcoming launch of an exciting, ground-breaking and completely original new reality program for the CBS Television Network.
The dazzling new show, DANCING ON THE STARS, will be broadcast live from the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, and will feature moderately famous and sort of well-known people you almost recognize competing for big prizes by dancing on the graves of some of Hollywood's most iconic and well-beloved stars of stage and screen.
The cemetery, the first in Hollywood, was founded in 1899 and now houses the remains of Andrew "Fatty" Arbuckle, producer Cecil B. DeMille, Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., Paul Muni, Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel, George Harrison of the Beatles and Dee Dee Ramone of the Ramones, among many other great stars of stage, screen and the music business. The company noted that permission to broadcast from the location is pending, and that if efforts in that regard are unsuccessful, approaches will be made to Westwood Village Memorial Park, where equally scintillating luminaries are interred.
"This very creative enterprise will bring a new sense of energy and fun that's totally unlike anything anywhere else, honest," said a CBS spokesperson, who also revealed that the Company has been working with a secret team for several months on the creation of the series, which was completely developed by the people at CBS independent of any other programming on the air. "Given the current creative and legal environment in the reality programming business, we're sure nobody will have any problem with this title or our upcoming half-hour comedy for primetime, POSTMODERN FAMILY."
"After all," the spokesperson added, "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." (Image courtesy of CBS)