When the Dancing with the Stars season 5 cast list was officially announced yesterday morning, I scanned the contestants and, unlike most people, recognized most of them. As a fan of Around the Horn and Pardon the Interruption on ESPN, I had a passing familiarity with the three sports celebrities, Since my job involves writing about TV, I certainly recognized those stars. As someone in my 20s, I of course know Scary Spice, and since I have a 12-year-old sister, the Cheetah Girls aren't entirely unfamiliar territory. Wayne Newton and Marie Osmond should go without saying. That just leaves two - the models, Josie Maran and Albert Reed.

Like most people, I have no idea who either of them are.  A little research shows that Josie is a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model who, at the very least, has appeared on the Howard Stern Show.  But Albert Reed is the real mystery.  He came out of nowhere, and will very likely go back into obscurity the moment he's kicked out, which will probably be in the first two weeks.

Dancing with the Stars is supposed to be for celebrities, not a place to become one.  The rest of the contestants this season are at least slightly recognizable, but I doubt there's a single person alive, including Reed's own mother, who can successfully distinguish him from any of the hundreds of other shirtless Abercrombie & Fitch models parading around in vaguely homoerotic poses.

When I first read that this no-name was going to be on Dancing with the Stars, I instantly went to my primary source of information: Wikipedia.  I love The Colbert Report, and I knew that if there was anything worth knowing about this guy, I would find it on the site dedicated to the democratization of information.  You can imagine my glee when I discovered, as of Wednesday evening, Albert Reed DID NOT HAVE A WIKIPEDIA ENTRY!  Oh sure, someone has since put one up with the scantest of details, but until he was cast on this hit reality series, no one had thought to mention him.

I'm not claiming Dancing with the Stars has any integrity (not after capitalizing on Paul McCartney's messy divorce by casting Heather Mills last season), but it should at least have some minor standards.  For instance, the contestants must be "stars."  I don't think that's asking too much.  The world is so littered with famous people that surely you could find someone desperate enough to be on this show who has a slightly higher level of notoriety than Albert Reed.  How about that fat guy who played Mr. Tuttle, one of the recurring teachers on Saved by the Bell?  Heck, I'd take Lindsey Lohan's disgrace of a father over this anonymous pretty boy.

But perhaps it is unfair to judge him too harshly.  After all, the rumor mill on Monday promised supermodel Gisele Bundchen.  Next to her, any other model will naturally seem small and insignificant.  Then I remember that this Albert Reed fellow is just 22-years-old, surfed professionally, and now has his likeness cut out of shopping bags from Abercrombie & Fitch and hung in freshman girls' dorm rooms.  He should get no leniency.

I have every right to dislike him and to loathe his presence on this show.  He goes against everything this show stands for: hiring D-list celebrities to try to revive their drowning careers.  Albert Reed is not on the D-list.  He's not on any list.


-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of AlbertReed.net)