Thanks to the presidential debate, Dancing with the Stars is airing its results show an hour earlier this week.  That's too bad, because I'd love to see what Bruno Tonioli has to say about  the election.  Your usual recapper, the fabulous Debbie Chang, is otherwise preoccupied, so I'm filling in.  I may not watch Dancing with the Stars, but Debbie told me everything I need to know.  Brooke is good, Lance and Lacey are being sandbagged so they don't run away with the competition, Cloris is funny but awful, and there will probably not be an elimination tonight.

Since Dancing with the Stars has a set number of episodes, they can't afford to lose two couples in a single week, so with Misty May dropping out, I'm predicting this will be a non-elimination leg.  Wait, that's the wrong reality show.

Oh good, apparently the first half of the whole episode is just a recap of last night's performances.  Warren Sapp looks exactly like Grimace from McDonalds.

Lance Bass says he's covered in sparkles and that he and Lacey Schwimmer look like a fairy farted on them.  It's taking all the willpower I have not to make a gay joke.

Misty May-Treanor had surgery, so tonight we get to see Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Edyta Sliwinska do the dance Misty was planning on.  It's pretty cool and very energetic, and Edyta is dressed like Britney Spears in her first music video, the one with the Catholic school girl outfit.  Except Edyta is showing even more skin, shaking her booty even more, and looking even hotter.  I'm pretty sure even Lance Bass now wants to sleep with her.

The first two couples that are safe are: Brooke Burke and Derek Hough, as well as Cloris Leachman and Corky Ballas.  Ha, the highest and lowest judge totals are safe!

It's also worth nothing that Tom Bergeron keeps talking about revealing who has the lowest total, but he hasn't once said that we'll find out who's going home.  This is so a non-elimination results show.

To promote the new ABC drama Life on Mars, it's '70s night on Dancing with the Stars.  Life on Mars, premiering Thursday at 10pm, is about a detective who gets hit on the head and mysteriously wakes up as a cop in the 1970s.

Kool and the Gang perform.  Personally, I prefer Kool-Aid and the Gang.  OH, YEAH!!!

Ooh, a montage about how the celebrities' careers help them to dance.  Cloris finds it funny that she's even in the competition at all.  Cody Linley loves playing his guitar to help with his rhythm.  Brooke uses her multi-tasking, which she says while rehearsing with her baby strapped to her stomach.  Rocco stretches the metaphor a little too far, saying dancing is just like cooking.  Susan Lucci thanks Pilates.

Another safe couple: Maurice Greene and Cheryl Burke.

Cloris rambles about eye and hair color, and it goes nowhere and no one knows what to do with it.  Why doesn't anyone hide her whiskey before the show?

The Radio City Rockettes perform.  Funny story: I was supposed to see their Christmas show when I was a kid, but on the way to the theater my grandma tripped and broke her leg, so instead I got to ride in an ambulance to the hospital.  On the bright side, she sued the city and got some money, but on the bad side, I never got to see the Rockettes in person, and to this day I think that's the only reason I'm not a professional dancer.

Why did I write that story?  Because it's more interesting than a series of interchangeable women kicking.

Jennifer Hudson sings.  Wow, she's so good in this single song that she should win an Emmy, even though she isn't that good in the rest of the episode and other people are actually much better actors.

Julianne and Derek Hough perform a dance during the song, which contains the lyric, "Is this relationship fulfilling your needs as well as mine?"  I'm sorry, but that's creepy.

You only have until Friday to submit a costume online for the viewer voted Jive that will be performed to "Great Balls of Fire."

It's time for a montage of the severe injuries from the show, proving that Dancing with the Stars should be banned.  Pretty much everyone this season has been hurt so far, both celebrities and pros.  Derek Hough says he's had two neck injuries due to the show, but Misty is still the first contestant who has ever had to withdraw because of a physical injury.

The lesson seems to be that the only requirement for something to count as a sport is whether injury is possible.

Two more safe couples: Warren Sapp and Kym Johnson, as well as Toni Braxton and Alec Mazo.

Finally, we're down to the final four and Tom Bergeron just blurts out that no one is going home.  Duh!

However, they'll combine this week and next week's scores for the next elimination, and they're also going to say who would have gone home.

The team that would have been eliminated if Misty had not been injured is...Rocco DiSpirito and Karina Smirnoff

But they're safe.  For now.  The only hope they have is if being last earns them enough sympathy votes next week.


-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of ABC)