Previously on Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants, the two sides of the house went to war. The Dream Gals battled with Beauty is Skin Deep. The Blessed Beauties took the best pageant photo, and the Tomboy Queens had to de-sash themselves.

Tonight's Crowned begins immediately with an announcement from pageant director Linnea. She tells the teams to meet in the rose courtyard with their heels on for a dance contest. At the courtyard, Linnea explains that there is always an opening dance routine that occurs at the beginning of every pageant. To help them with their dance is Scott, the choreographer for a dozen major pageants. He walks them through a cute little dance. Jill and Gina are two moms with the worst dance abilities, but they seem good-natured about it. In the middle of the dance, Scott takes them through a trust-fall exercise, but it's unclear whether the trust fall is part of the dance.

I guess not, because Scott soon introduces Amy, who is a professionally-trained trust coach. Excuse me? A what? There's such a thing? How does this woman make a living? Amy takes the teams through a locked-arm exercise in which the teams need to lock elbows back-to-back and stand up without unlocking elbows. Patty and Laura are the only ones who can't do it and are disqualified. Patty doesn't want to disappoint her perfectionist daughter.

The next exercise is the 30-second stare. The teammates face each other and stare eye-to-eye for 30 seconds. Some women start crying, feeling so close to their mothers or daughters. This is good practice for the dainty tears when you win the competition. Amy tells them that there is more to the competition than being beautiful—they have to be real too.

Gathered inside, Amy announces that Brenda and Heather performed the best in the trust clinic. They are awarded with a "Best Teamwork" sash and a wrapped box from the cabana boy John. They open the box and find that they have won a beauty treasure chest from Smashbox cosmetics.

Later on, at dinner, Laura whines to her mother for something to eat. Patty offers to bake her some chicken, but Laura pissily refuses. Patty takes her daughter upstairs and tells her what's what. If her daughter speaks to her in that tone of voice and embarrasses her again, then she's out of here.

The next morning, the girls gather in front of Linnea, who explains that this week's elimination challenge will be a one-minute talent presentation for the judges. Christan is worried because she and her mom Ada don't have a talent. Jenileigh is going to do an aerial performance, which is awesome, but her mother doesn't know what she's doing. Laura is going to sing "Climb Every Mountain" from The Sound of Music, accompanied by Patty on the piano. But Patty is nervous about messing up. Brenda and Heather are going to do a comedy routine, and I'm cringing already. Tensions are running high in all the teams. Nicole and Jill bicker about their hula routine because Nicole doesn't want Jill to show her midriff.

It's time to meet the judges. Shanna Moakler introduces herself and her co-judges Carson Kressley and Cynthia Garrett.

The Dream Gals go first. Hollis really surprises me with her sultry pipes, but sad to say, Gina is horrible. Randy Jackson of American Idol would say, "That was pitchy, dawg." Looks like they could have used the rehearsal time instead of helping out other teams. The judges are equally unimpressed.

Rachelle and Mindy, the Gifted Dolls, do a sassy and peppy little dance routine in '40s-style sailor outfits.

Jill and Nicole, the Goal Getters, do their hula hoop routine. It gets a big yawn from me. They just sort of hula hoop and swing their arms about.

Beauty is Skin Deep, Tenia and Angela, sing "I'm Every Woman." The show's soundtrack provides the backup instrumentals, so I'm trying to imagine them singing a cappella.

The Blessed Beauties, Christan and Ada, do a sultry, burlesque-y dance. Carson says that it almost turns him straight, except that he loves their shoes too much.

Patty and Laura do their rendition of "Climb Every Mountain." Patty struggles a bit with the piano part, and Laura only knows how to sing at triple fortissimo, but the judges like them. Personally, it was a snoozefest for me.

The Goal Driven Gals, Heather and Brenda, do a Southern-styled comedy routine. Carson erupts in cheers after they were done, but Shanna only raises her eyebrows. I thought they were actually really good! Go Goal Driven Gals!

The Daredevil Divas' aerial performance was slightly uneven. Jenileigh was amazing in her aerial routine, but Moya just kind of stood there twirling a ribbon.

It is time for the de-sashing ceremony. Cue threatening shots of the bejeweled scissors. Beauty is Skin Deep, Daredevil Divas, Goal Getters, Gifted Dolls and Goal Driven Gals are all safe.

Dream Gals, Sincere Sexy Redheads and Goal Getters must step forward on the stage. Shanna announces that Sincere Sexy Redheads had the best performance.

This leaves the hula-hooping Goal Getters and the singing Dream Gals. The Dream Gals are instructed to pick up the bejeweled scissors and de-sash Goal Getters. Hollis tries to get around the rules by just taking off their sashes, but tut tut, Shanna says that the sashes must literally be cut with the bejeweled scissors. Cruel!  This means that the Crowned experience is over for Jill and Nicole.


-Debbie Chang, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of The CW)