Yesss! The most anticipated reality series of the year has finally arrived! It is Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants, and it is going to rock your world. The episode opens with a montage of clips from the coming season. It looks promising, especially the bit about how every mother-daughter relationship will be put to the test. Full disclosure: I have mommy issues, which is why I predict I will love this show!

A bus toting all 11 mother-daughter teams makes its way up the street. Laura confessionals that even though she and her mother Patty don't have pageant experience, they are definitely the ones to beat. Oh my gosh, Patty has the same blank look that Catherine O'Hara had in Waiting for Guffman. Hollis wants to show girls all across the country that beauty comes in many forms. Wow, it's difficult to tell who is the mother and who is the daughter with some of these pairs.

The bus pulls up in front of a Barbie doll mansion, and the teams are greeted by former Miss USA and current Crowned judge Shanna Moakler. She looks enormous standing next to the pageant director Linnea Maloney, but it's really because Shanna's standing on a step.

The teams rush into the house to find that it truly is like a Barbie doll mansion. Its tackiness rivals even that of the Donald. Mindy shows off to the other moms that her daughter was Miss Arizona, but Jill counters that her daughter Nicole won Miss Delaware without even trying. Mindy also has a sob story, that I'm sure she'll exploit throughout the competition, about how she just received a kidney transplant. The cutesy pizzicato soundtrack immediately turns into cartoony maudlin violin when she talks about her transplant, too. I wonder if it was Rachelle's kidney that she got because that would add to the complexity of their relationship.

Pamela and Felicia, from Upstate New York, are the country bumpkins of the pack, even more so than the blondes from West Virginia. Pamela's got some crazy Minnie Mouse hair action going on, and Felicia is incredulous that there are honest-to-goodness, real cupcakes on the dining room table. Oh, how sad that she's never seen a cupcake up close before! That fad must not have made it up to Tonawanda, New York.

Jenileigh and Moya from Wyoming have a sob story to share too. Jenileigh's father died when she was young, and winning the fabulous tiaras would be a life-changing experience for her and her mother.

Christan, from Texas, is the bad girl of the group. We can tell because she has tattoos. She also gets into a food fight with cream puffs with the West Virginian blondes.

Patty grosses me out because instead of eating normal food like the rest of the women, all she wants to eat are frozen hamburgers and chips. She mocks Hollis for actually wanting to cook. Laura chirps that she's not worried about Gina and Hollis because she doesn't think either of them is very pretty, rudely shushing her mother when Patty tries to add her two cents. Personally, I don't think that someone who looks as horsey as Laura does should be so quick to judge someone else's appearance.

The next day, Linnea Maloney gathers all the teams together to tell them about their first challenge. They have to pick a team name, themed outfits and a creative way to introduce themselves to the judges. She reminds them that mothers and daughters have distinct roles, and they must present themselves both as individuals as well as a part of a team.

The teams split up, wearing their sashes all the while, to think of team names. Brenda and Heather, the West Virginians, decide to be the Blonde Bombshells. Alana is proud of her mom Annette because she's so well educated, having a doctorate degree and everything, and thinks that's going to be their secret weapon. The name they decide upon is Silent But Deadly, which Annette thinks is brilliant. Wow, I guess despite all of her studying, she never learned any fart vernacular!

After their brainstorming sessions, all the teams go over to a wardrobe warehouse to pick out their outfits. Hollis and Gina help out Jenileigh and Moya pick out their outfits, but Jenileigh is having body-image anxiety. She actually looks great, even if the mirror ball-esque dress is hideously tacky.

At 7:15 the next morning, before the sun has even fully risen in the sky, Laura and Patty warms up her voice. Laura's really obnoxious about it. She's totally the soprano in choir who belts out her high notes just to show off to everyone that she can hit them all.  She can't seem to sing without folding her hands together in the style of the Von Trapp Family Singers, too.

Finally, it's time for the teams to appear before the judges! The ladies gather on stage and meet the judges, who are all seated in ridiculous gilt and purple brocade thrones.

The first team to go up are Laura and Patty, who are dressed like Pussycat Dolls, complete with feathered stole. Laura sings, making a constipated face while hitting her high notes, and flaunts her ultra-high metabolism. The judges are not impressed with their name, which is the Redhead [sic] Bombshells.

Heather and Brenda go next, and they are the Blonde Bombshells. Brenda vastly overestimates the definition of what a bombshell is.  Her explanation of the word is reminiscent of Miss South Carolina's stuttering.

Gina and Hollis go next. They are the Dream Gals and are dressed in cute pajama-type outfits. The little ditty that they sing is quite catchy, actually, and they end by blowing synchronized kisses.

Rachelle and Mindy are the Diamond Dolls, wearing fluffy, feathery ostrich dresses. I absolutely love the dumbfounded faces of the judges during these presentations. The judges think they came across as superficial, which makes Mindy start crying the minute she goes backstage.

Angela and Tenia are next. They are Team Skin Deep. They do a little rap, which is quite cute. Angela completely misunderstands the meaning of skin deep, and Shanna Moakler barely conceals her smile.

Felicia and Pamela are the Tomboy Queens. Carson identifies with their name, at least the "queen" part anyway. Cynthia suggests that Pamela get the hair out of her face.

Jill and Nicole are the Sassy Sisters, wearing ultra sparkly and feathery dresses. The judges are not impressed that they are trying to come across as sisters instead of mother and daughter.

Amanda and Andrea, from New Mexico, introduce themselves as the Reigning A's. They've got red Cleopatra-type dresses on, and they go on and on and on and on and on about what their name means. The judges are clearly bored and also kind of bitchy.

Jenileigh and Moya are the Daredevil Divas. Jenileigh is working on being an aerialist, which impresses Carson. Well, it's hard to tell whether he's being serious, but I think he's impressed. Their mirror ball dresses make his eyeballs bleed. Here's a clip of their introduction:





The farters, Alana and Annette, are next. This is quite possibly the funniest thing I've seen all year, and I can't do it justice, so just take a look at the clip:





Christan and Ada are Team Hot & Not. Sadly, Ada forgets her lines and has to start over. The judges want Ada to be more confident and Christan to be more supportive of her mom. Backstage, Ada worries that if they are eliminated, it will be because she forgot her lines.

It is time for the first Crowned de-sashing ceremony! The camera makes quick shots of a bejeweled pair of scissors sitting on a velvet pillow on a pedestal in front of the stage. It's all very threatening and quite genius, if you ask me.

The teams who are immediately announced safe are Diamond Dolls, Skin Deep, Hot & Not, Sassy Sisters, Redhead Bombshells, Daredevil Divas, Tomboy Queens, and Silent But Deadly.

The Blonde Bombshells, Dream Gals and Reigning A's are called forward. Shanna says that the Dream Gals were the highest-scoring team, making the best impression on the judges. All the other teams applaud stiffly for them.

The other two teams are on the chopping block. Carson tells the blondes that they looked like Amish hookers, and Shanna tells the A's that they blabbed too much.   In the end, the Blonde Bombshells are ordered to pick up the bejeweled scissors and cut the sashes off the Reigning A's.  Wow!  I didn't see this coming.  I was only hoping for the dequeened contestants to have to cut off their own sashes, but this might be even better.  So long, Reigning A's!


-Debbie Chang, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image and videos courtesy of The CW)