Running a marathon sucks. (Probably. Not like I'd know! I watch TV for living.) But watching a TV marathon RULES! Especially at Christmas time, when you want something to do with your family or something to do to avoid
your family. Either way, a TV marathon is the way to go.
Want to know which marathons to turn on while you hunker down, zone out and stay in this weekend? Well, there are a TON that will be on TV starting tomorrow. But these ones are the best. At least in my highly subjective, highly correct opinion.
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And since we both know what the holiday is reeeeally
about, I included an optional drinking game with each marathon. (Imagine this in a drunken slurry voice): "Meeeeuuuurrrry ChrrrrisssstMASH!"December 24:Animal Planet: Planet Earth
Starting at HIGH NOON tomorrow, you can peep 12 straight episodes of the most beautiful, most fascinating (and often most disgusting, but in an awesome way) nature documentary series in the solar system. Optional drinking game:
Drink every time you involuntarily say "WHOA!"A&E: Criminal Minds
Holy crap, this show is so addictive, and A&E is one hell of a dealer. Starting at 8am, they are offering you 16 straight episodes of crazy, creative murderers and the whipsmart team of investigators who will crack the case and/or some skulls to get to the TRUTH!Optional drinking game:
Drink every time they say "unsub."VH1: Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew
Starting at noon,
you can feel better about your life, your choices and your family's mild
dysfunctions thanks to drug-ravaged, rock-bottom celebrities and their
shameless spirit animal, Dr. Drew.Optional drinking game:
Drink every time you can't tell if the celebrity's face looks like that
because of the plastic surgery, the drugs or the crying.Lifetime/Lifetime Movie Network: Cheesy Christmas movies ALL DAY!
If you don't love a terrible cheesy Christmas movie, maybe you should do your homework
. Because they're hilarious. As a recent viewer of Eve's Christmas
(7pm, Lifetime) I cannot recommend that rancid piece of time-traveling saccharine garbage highly enough.Optional drinking game:
Drink every time you think, "A 10-year-old definitely wrote that."Spike TV: Star Wars Episodes I, II and III (Dec 24) and Episodes IV, V and VI (Dec 25)
If you love Star Wars
and really enjoy having your favorite films edited for length and cut up by commercials, this is the marathon for YOU! Nerd. This is my impression of you: "Beep boop boop, THE FORCE!" Haha. Nailed it. Oh, and they're playing each series twice, starting at 9am. Optional drinking game:
There are lots of Star Wars drinking games
out there, but you really only need one rule: Drink every time someone mentions the Force. And you should also drink to dull the pain of Jar Jar Binks.TBS: 24 Hours of A Christmas Story
The marathon that kicks every other marathon's butt starts at 8pm on Christmas Eve, and continues until 8pm on Christmas Day. At my house, we watch it at least twice on Christmas morning. Usually with mimosas. I highly recommend this tradition for adoption at your household.Optional drinking game:
Drink every time someone says "You'll shoot your eye out." And every time Ralphie is just kind of a little punk? He's such a little punk. December 25:Animal Planet: Dogs 101
Six hours of PUUUUUPPIEEEEEEES!!! Starts at noon.Optional drinking game:
Drink every time it's so CUUUUTE you can't stand it!G4: American Ninja Warrior
Starting at 9am, you can enjoy 20 episodes of people voluntarily getting decked in the face by padded battering rams while an overly dramatic announcer talks like they're serious athletes. What's not to love?Optional drinking game:
Drink every time someone falls down. (Have fun at the hospital!)TLC: Crazy Christmas Lights AND Fabulous Cakes
It's an all-day double whammy of insignificant awesomeness. First, they're Christmas lights ... and they're CRAZY! Then, later, they're cakes and they're FAAAAAHbulous! And you can't eat them, but you can watch them get made. So it's almost the same, but not really at all. Optional drinking game:
Drink every time the Christmas lights are just SO crazy, and every time the cakes are absolutely FABULOUS.Oxygen: Snapped
Nothing says "Christmas morning" like watching real life crazy wives murder their husbands! Personally, I like to craft during my Christmas Snapped marathons. The juxtaposition of the harmless domestic with the multiple stab wounds domestic is really fun.Optional drinking game:
Drink every time you relate to the person who snapped.Travel Channel: Man v. Food
Want to watch a guy stuff his face while you stuff your face? Lucky for you, they're playing TWENTY-SIX episodes, that's 13 hours, of Adam Richman (such a good and funny host, BTW) perfectly embodying the spirit of American gluttony on Christmas. O holy bite! (Sorry.)Optional drinking game:
Drink every time you kind of want to barf and find something to eat at the same time. What's your favorite Christmas TV marathon? Share your picks in the comments!
Want more marathons? Or which marathons are playing on Sunday, December 26? Check out this full, impressive list of the 119 (!) marathons
playing this weekend over at The TVaholic. (Images courtesy of TLC, VH1, Animal Planet)