Welcome to the first ever episode of
Celebrity Rap Superstar, MTV's reality competition series which pits eight celebrities against each other by rapping to famous songs, and America will vote for who they want to stay each week. Each celebrity is paired up with a rap mentor to provide some guidance, or at least a modicum of respectability to this show.
Immediately we meet the host of
Celebrity Rap Superstar,
Kevin Hart. If you've listened to any of his commentaries on the DVD set of the short-lived
Undeclared, you know this guy is hella funny. He introduces the judges. Rap pioneer
DMC (famously partnered with Run) will be our Randy Jackson, I guess. The woman in the middle, because there's always a woman in the middle on any reality judging panel, is
Da Brat, and man, would I love to see her lay a smackdown on Paula Abdul. The Simon Cowell spot goes to radio host
Big Boy.
Perez Hilton, with Tone Loc
The first celebrity pretty much sets the tone for this entire show. It's flamboyant blogger Perez Hilton. Sporting green hair and about three layers of pink, he's accompanied by his rap mentor, the "Wild Thing" Tone Loc. It's hilarious, awkward, random, almost awesome yet just as terrible all at the same time. Perez mocks Kevin Hart's height, but his crazy porn 'stache kinds of undercuts any attempted insult.
Perez sings Chingy's "Right Thurr." I am officially in love with this show, because if it can match this level of hilarity each week, I'm hooked. He's not noticeably terrible, though with rap, you pretty much just need to memorize the words and speak to the beat. Due to his flaming homosexuality, he cleverly changes "she" to "he," and when he sings about "jeans sagging, so I can see his thong," Tone Loc grimaces, as do we all.
Da Brat calls him "Lucky Charms" and "girlfriend," while Big Boy goes with "the hip hop Oompah Loompah." It's kind of hard for the judges, because it's still unclear if this is a talent show or a freak show, and Perez would certainly win the latter.
Jamal Anderson, with Redman
Anderson was a football player with the Atlanta Falcons. No dog fighting jokes, I promise. But rap and football certainly go together better than celebrity blogging and rap, so it should be slightly better. He sings T.I.'s "Big Things Poppin." He sucks, forgets the lyrics and tries to cover it by "free-styling." Da Brat pulls no punches, since he's "used to being hit in the balls," so she calls him out, then bashes his fashion sense.
Kendra Wilkinson, with Too Short
Yes, she's a Playboy bunny and star of
The Girls Next Door. But my best friend, who loves that show, informed me that Kendra is a hardcore rap fan who can hold her own, so she may surprise us all. The tied football jersey exposing her lean midriff proves she knows where most of her votes will be coming from. Kevin Hart makes a nice joke about Too Short's fondness for white women. She says she's always been a hip hop fan, then lets loose one of her trademark laughs. She's performing "Candy" by Foxy Brown. She flubs it a bit, but
Hugh Hefner is in the audience, and she shakes her hips a lot. Three performers in, and somehow Perez Hilton is the best yet.
Jason Wahler, with Bubba Sparxxx
Good God, it's one of those d-bags from
Laguna Beach. Does being on another MTV reality series really qualify you as a "celebrity"? The term has no meaning anymore. He gets Chamillionaire's "Ridin." Man, rappers get the coolest names. He's either drunk or mentally unwell, because what follows is pure comedic genius. He doesn't know a single lyric, so just kind of scats for the first half, then starts making some stuff up about "riding" and "moving." It gets so bad, the audience is quite vocally booing him. Bubba Sparxx wants to crawl into a hole. The judges give variations of "please go home, now," and Da Brat proves herself an MTV reality connoisseur with, "No wonder Lauren dumped your ass."
Shar Jackson, with MC Lyte
Shar is eager to reclaim the title of Most Effed Up K-Fed Baby Momma, which Britney has turned into quite the difficult task. Eve's "Tambourine" is her song, and she gets down with it. She kicks some butt, especially after the last three washouts. If there's a God, she'll be singing "Popozao" before the end of
Celebrity Rap Superstar. Da Brat rags on Kevin Federline (always a plus) while the judges all sing Shar's praises.
Countess Vaughn, with Warren G
The actress most famous as Mo'Nique's daughter on
The Parkers seems more
High School Musical than hardcore rapper. She gets "Lip Gloss" by Lil Mama (who?). She has the words and rhythm down, but, as I feared, lacks any edginess. DMC hits it on the head when he calls her "a cute little thing." That's a double-edged sword when you're trying to be a rapper, because it means you have no gangsta quality.
Sebastian Bach, with Kurupt
This is what I'm talking about! Forget his work with rock group Skid Row, I'll forever be a Sebastian Bach fan for his recurring role as the oldest member of Hep Alien, Lane's band on
Gilmore Girls. He's laying down LL Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out." It's every bit as awesome as I'd hoped for. As an experienced musician, he knows how to play to the crowd and perform, and he deftly combines his rock voice with the song, and it's pretty much clear from the start he should be the winner. Of course, he does have the huge unfair advantage of actually being the only real singer in the competition.
Efren Ramirez, with Bizarre
Do not vote for Pedro. That's right, the scene-stealer from
Napoleon Dynamite is showing up. It's shocking because he doesn't resemble that character at all, and he's even sporting an obnoxious little ponytail. He gets a softball, the hugely recognizable "In Da Club" by 50 Cent, though he still manages to hit it into a triple play. About halfway through he stops, tries to remember the lyrics, then mumbles through to the finish. But he lost the audience well before that, because he's just kind of doing a poor spoken word version, and it hurts. The man has zero charisma. If it weren't for Jason Wahler, this would be the worst. Da Brat, disagrees, bashing Efren for about an hour, saying how it was the worst of the night.
Well, that's one down, seven more episodes to go. It's pretty easy to judge, as half of them have some level of decency (Perez, Shar, Countess and Sebastian), while the other four suck out loud. The judges each get to pick one celebrity to be safe for this week. They pick Sebastian Bach, Shar Jackson and, because Big Boy is certain Countess will be voted in, he chooses Perez Hilton. See, even the judges know exactly who the four best are. Perez, always the jokester, screams "Give it up for Britney Spears" while hugging Shar. Genius. I may learn to love that gay blogger yet.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of MTV)