Celebrity Rap Superstar

Last week on Celebrity Rap Superstar, Perez Hilton walked with Jesus while Atlanta Falcons' Jamal Anderson was eliminated.  Nearly everyone remembered the words, a huge improvement from week one, though some performances were still less than "superstar" quality.

Tonight's episode should be quite awesome, as the celebrities are writing their own raps.  Perez promises to mock his fellow contestants, which sounds quite cool.  Kevin Hart starts it off by announcing the bottom two: Efren Ramirez (surprising no one) and Sebastian Bach.  Oh please don't let him go, his rock-raps are one of the highlights every week on Celebrity Rap Superstar.  Apparently it was so close they're going to have a tie-breaker, where they both perform, and the judges pick the winner.  Ha, sounds like Bach had the fewest votes, so MTV is fixing it so the performer who is actually good gets to stay.

Countess Vaughn, with Warren G

She's busy writing her lyrics, and her shirt is quite low-cut.  Damn, that woman is smuggling some watermelons.  If she has a wardrobe malfunction, someone may get a concussion.  Her song is called "Break of Dawn," and it's not that good, but the part about having "more booty than Beyonce / rhymes like Kanye" was pretty clever.  Sadly, she ends with an R&B run that belongs on a bad American Idol audition, not Celebrity Rap Superstar.  The judges are mostly positive, and DMC (again, either he's permanently stoned or just acts that way) says she can compete for the title with Shar Jackson, the obvious frontrunner at this point.  Warren G comes out, and either Countess and Kevin are very short, or he is very tall, though it's probably a combo platter.


Perez Hilton, with Tone Loc

This is tailor-made for him, since Perez is a hilariously mean-spirited writer.  His song is "I'm the Queen," and his rap name is P. Nasty.  There are really too many awesome moments to count.  Here's a quick sampling of my favorite lyrics.  "I bring the mother-frickin' fiya, I rock it like Sanjaya."  "Shar is whack, that's why Kevin left her for Britney Spears."  "Hef is old, Kendra digs for gold."  He also gets in a plug for his VH1 series, What Perez Sez (which he rhymes by calling Da Brat a shortened version of the L-word), then closes it out by pulling a Sinead O'Connor and ripping up a picture of Britney from the  MTV Video Music Awards.  If you're not hailing the Queen, I sure am, because Perez rules!  The judges also give it up to the massive creativity and originality.


Shar Jackson, with MC Lyte

Shar is having a rough time, because she knows she needs to tell a story, and the one on everyone's mind is with her ex K-Fed and Britney.  She's performing "No Time for Hatin'."   She's a bit flustered at the start and drops a few lyrics, but it's a decent song about how she's just trying to live her life despite all the press she has to deal with because of who she married.  She gets the crowd involved, which is nice.  DMC criticizes her, but she fights back with a dig about how he doesn't write his own rhymes.  Kitty has claws.  Somehow Shar is treated like a folk hero against the evil K-Fed/Britney monster, which is a nice narrative for her to manufacture while she gets this TV time.  People will be more likely to buy her eventual tell-all if she's a sympathetic character.


Jason Wahler,with Bubba Sparxxx

Great, what horrors lurk in The Hills tonight.  In rehearsal, Bubba tries to get Jason to rhyme his last name with "baller," though when asked what he is, Jason responds, "A troublemaker."  Eventually, he settles on the logical "Baller" as the title of his song.  It kind of sucks, then goes into hyper-drive when, once again, he forgets the lyrics and starts spouting gibberish.  This time, he seems to be recalling words and phrases from previous performances, talking about "Going back to Cali."  It's an orgy of crap, and if Perez is wonderfully amazing, Jason is wonderfully terrible.  The judges are more forgiving than they should be, though still make sure to say it wasn't any good at all several times.  We're repeatedly told the ladies love him, to squeals of delight from female audience members.  Am I missing something?  When did rich white trash become sexy?


Kendra Wilkinson, with Too Short

Everyone is trying to take the booty shake out of the star of The Girls Next Door.  Her song is "Hold Up, Pimps Down," which already is enough to win me over.  The message of the song is that people like it when "I shake it around like this," followed by a booty shake.  So much for getting rid of that.  Halfway through she completely falls apart, forgetting all the words.  So she hands the mic to Too Short and proceeds to shake her booty for about 30 seconds to the beat.  The girl certainly knows how to win over an audience, though the show isn't called, as Big Boy puts it, Celebrity Ass Shaker. 


Efren Ramirez, with Bizarre vs. Sebastian Bach with Kurupt

Now it's down to the final two: the judges decide who stays and who goes.  First up is the dude who played Pedro, with "It's Not Eff-ren, It's Ee-fren."  Actually, it's eff-ing terrible and ee-gregiously painful.  At one point he asks the audience to "Put your hands in the air."  You can actually hear people scream "No," which is so funny that, if Jason Wahler weren't around, I'd like to see Efren stay just to get more of that.

Right after is "One for the Money" from Sebastian Bach.  It's easily the absolute best of the night,  The performance is the most rapping he's ever done, while doing away with all signs of rocking.  His rhymes are tight and ironically hilarious, as in "I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone / I just want to rock and rap with my teenage son."  Bach is back and better than ever, and people better start voting for him.

Kevin Hart sends it to break, after which the judges will pick their favorite.  For some reason they pretend like it's not a foregone conclusion.  The judges praise Bach up and down, while they struggle to find even the slightest compliment for Efren.  They come up with applauding his use of Spanish.  Efren is finally eliminated.


Things become clearer on Celebrity Rap Superstar now.  Shar is the frontrunner, Countess is closing in, and Perez is the ultimate dark horse.  Sebastian is fantastic, but being in the bottom two this week is not a good sign.  Kendra and Jason are just praying to make the top four.


-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of MTV)