Yo, yo, yo, welcome to episode 2 of the phattest new MTV reality show,
Celebrity Rap Superstar! OK, enough of that. In last week's premiere, we learned that
Perez Hilton,
Shar Jackson,
Countess Vaughn and
Sebastian Bach can all rap from average to good, while the other four losers couldn't remember a lyric if it was their momma's maiden name. Tonight we get the first elimination, seven more performances, and a whole lot of awesome.
This week, the
Celebrity Rap Superstar contestants get to pick their own rap songs to sing. This oughta be...interesting. Please, God, let Perez Hilton sing Kelis' "Milkshake."
Sebastian Bach, with Kurupt
Sorry to all you rap fans, but I misspelled Kurupt's name last week (it's his fault for misspelling it in the first place). Sebastian chooses "California Love" by Tupac and Dr. DRe. Nice. Kurupt wants him to tone down the rock, then makes a dig at
Jason Wahler. Double nice. He rules, of course, though he still rocks it out loud to the judges' dismay.
Shar Jackson, with MC Lyte
Trying to get out the shadow of her "rapper" ex-boyfriend Kevin Federline, she disses him by choosing a song from a real white rapper, "My Name Is" by Eminem. It's kind of funny, because while people often accuse white rappers of trying to "sound black," Shar "sounds white," and it works for her, because she understands rhythm and actually remembers the lyrics. In this competition, this puts her light years ahead of most of the competition.
Perez Hilton, with Tone Loc
The surprise breakout star of the show is looking ridiculous with the green hair, pink outfits and perv 'stache. He'd be great as John C. Reilley's gay twin brother. He picks "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West. Just what the world needs, a spiritual Perez. Again, it's shockingly awesome, and he has a whole lot of charisma and flair during his performance. The judges give him some honest and helpful criticism about toning it down and keeping on beat.
Now that the three who were safe have performed, it's time to discover who America voted off. Countess and
The Girls Next Door star
Kendra Wilkinson are safe, for their individual "ass"ets. Illogically, Jason Wahler survives, which leaves me wanting to head for
The Hills. I guess it's not too surprising that the MTV reality star gets voted back by MTV viewers. Down to football player
Jamal Anderson and
Napoleon Dynamite's
Efren Ramirez. They're left waiting until the end of the show.
Countess Vaughn, with Warren G
The squeaky clean actress is ready to show off another side of herself, and she'll try to do that with "This is Why I'm Hot" by Mims. It's adorable, because in rehearsal she's so concerned with her pinkie movements. It's pretty great, and she's definitely bringing the harder edged attitude she needs in order to shake that softer side. Next week I'm hoping she gets her freak on with some Missy Elliott.
Kendra Wilkinson, with Too Short
She was offended by the comments about how she's only good to be a girl in a rap video. Honey, I don't know how to break this to you, but sex appeal is the only reason you'll go farther than you should in this competition. She picked De La Soul's "Me, Myself and I." She's slightly better than last week, but still weak compared to the first four. Hef is still in the audience, clapping along, and she continues to expose her midriff and shake her booty. Given some time (which she'll get because of her bootyliciousness), she may become a real contender.
Jason Wahler, with Bubba Sparxxx
Host
Kevin Hart asks if Jason can win back our respect after last week's horrendous performance. I ask if anyone had any respect for him to begin with. He's "Going Back to Cali," from LL Cool J. Will the Ladies Love Cool Jason? He remembers the lyrics this time, though it's not really an improvement. At least last week he was kind of entertaining with his badness. This week we learn that when Jason tries to sing, he is just downright awful. His rhythm, vocally and bodily, is embarrassing. His
Hills ex-girlfriend Lauren is in the audience, and I'm proud to say I don't recognize her.
Da Brat says she hopes he's better in bed than he is at rapping.
Back to the final two, and apparently being Pedro is enough to keep Efren in another week, even though he and Jason were unanimously agreed to be the worst last week. Jamal's rap mentor,
Redman, screams out "This is some bullsh*t!" and because it's live, it's not bleeped. Now that is gangsta. Before leaving, Jamal "makes it rain" by throwing some cash into the audience, which is hilarious if you followed the saga of NFL star Pacman Jones.
Efren Ramirez, with Bizarre
To make up for his allegedly sub-Wahler performance last week, Efren goes with "Insane in the Brain" by Cypress Hill. Much like Wahler, remembering the lyrics doesn't help his performance. He's stiff, cartoonish and it's just plain bad. Not so bad it's good, or even just kind of mediocre bad, but painfully bad.
DMC wants him to get mean, and I notice DMC's voice is shaky, his eyes are wide open, and I'm 95 percent certain he's been stoned this whole night. He may have the right idea. Bizarre is encouraged, and he's wearing either a muumuu or a circus tent, I can't tell which.
Nobody gets a free pass to the next round. It's the same as last week, though Kendra is staking out some prime middle ground that Jason and Efren can't touch. One of them had better be going home next week, or, at the very least, they could forget the words again. That's the only way they could become a
Celebrity Rap Superstar.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of MTV)