In tonight's penultimate Celebrity Rap Superstar, the top three get narrowed down to our final two.  Will Sebastian Bach and Shar Jackson take their rightful places as the king and queen of this show, or will Kendra Wilkinson's magical booty unfairly bounce one of them out?

Tonight, the final two will go head-to-head in a three round battle, which means our Celebrity Rap Superstars need to memorize three new songs for this week.  Kevin Hart ain't no Ryan Seacrest (though they probably match up in height), so we'll be getting results right away.  Shar is still number one.  K-Hart puts the spotlight on the judges before revealing the other finalist.  All three pick Sebastian for the win.  Naturally, the voters disagree.

Sebastian is eliminated, and he takes the mic to say "America, you suck!"  The he plugs his upcoming new CD.  Much like when Dick and Daniele Donato made the final two on Big Brother 8, all the suspense of these last two episodes is gone.  Shar is gonna rock tonight, Kendra is gonna be mediocre at best, the judges will all implore America to vote for Shar, and then next week K-Fed's original baby momma will win Celebrity Rap Superstar. 


Round 1: Hip-Hop Anthems

As it to highlight the fact that this entire contest boils down to style vs. substance, Kendra gets Nelly's "Hot in Herre."  She says the words in a blank monotone, but she shakes her booty a lot and plays up the sex appeal to the nth degree.  Nobody in the room or watching at home can possibly think this is a good rap performance.  To paraphrase the opening to a true classic that will show up later in the show, she looks like one of those rap guys' girlfriends.

Shar is gonna "Get Ur Freak On."  It's not her best performance, but that's because her bar is set so high.  It's still miles better than what Kendra is doing.  Big Boy thinks she's not a contestant, just a true rapper already.  It doesn't need to be said, but Shar wins round one.
 

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Round 2: Viewer's Choice, Old School Classics

The at-home viewers got a chance to pick an old school classic for each of the contestants this week.  I suppose the fact that Kevin Federline's epic "PopoZao" is more of a new classic eliminated it from consideration.  The all too predictable viewers give Kendra Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back."  She's so preoccupied with illustrating the song's message that some of the words get lost, but her shirt is open and her lady lumps, both in the back and in the front, are the hardest working curves in show business.

Shar gets dealt Young MC's "Bust a Move."  This song is so awesome, Scrubs had an entire running joke devoted solely to a Young MC impersonator called Old MC who just went around and gave people advice.  That advice?  "Bust a move."  It's a fantastic performance, a brilliant song, and much as I may love Sir Mix-a-Lot, Shar takes this round as well.


Round 3: Original Songs

Kendra wants people to know that her life hasn't been all Playboy mansions and booty shaking.  She had a drug background, and would be dead if she didn't get help.  It's called "Epiphany," and while the message may be kind of positive (do drugs, stop, then Hef will call you, make you one of his girlfriends and also make all your dreams come true), she kind of stumbles and the delivery is awful.  The judges are way too nice just because she told a sob story and didn't shake her booty.  That's not enough to make her a rapper.

Shar is going the totally opposite direction, wanting to make a bouncy, fun party song.  Working with a big-time music producer, her vocals ar so sweet, the producers goes back and revises the track to mesh with Shar.  The song is "Let It Blow," and it does anything but.  It's possibly the single best rap song I've heard all year.  Screw Kanye and 50, Shar Jackson is da bomb!  Banoodle doesn't even begin to describe how awesome it is.  Then, just when I think it can't get any better, she comes up with the lyric: "They should've had me open at the VMAs."  OH, SUPER SNAP!


The judges call time of death on Kendra's chances.  Even if by some miracle Kendra gets the most votes next week, Shar is the winner.   K-Hart gives a happy birthday to MC Lyte, which is sweet, then he promises next week a reunion of all the old contestants, including the inimitable Jason Wahler.


-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of MTV)