'America's Next Top Model: All-Stars' Week 4 Recap: Criminally Bad Acting Investigation
'America's Next Top Model: All-Stars' Week 4 Recap: Criminally Bad Acting Investigation
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Tonight on 'America's Next Top TV Personality': Dead bodies, big words and beautiful male models are the all-stars' obstacles of the evening. In a CSI audition, whether the models can act becomes less of an issue than whether they can read, and then, a photo shoot for Express challenges them to model! In clothes! With other models! Yeah, that second part is pretty standard.

But first: What's new since Isis got stiletto'ed?

After landing herself in the bottom two for not shining like the star she is, Angelea vows to show off her personality from now on. So put on your sunglasses, y'all. Angelea's about to SHINE our faces off!

Back at the house after panel, Lisa isn't drinking with the rest of the girls, because of that whole thing about how she went to Celebrity Rehab for an alcohol addiction. "I need to keep a firm grip on reality," she says, and then makes a face that, if I had to parse it, pretty much said, "You and I both know I lost that a long time ago, but being sober keeps me on the fun and kooky side of insane, not the screaming and hallucinating side, so SOBER IT ISSSS!"

Meanwhile, Camille is busy complaining about how she has to pay her own bills, and Kayla is having a physical breakdown. She says that panel last week was so stressful that now she feels dizzy. She lays down in bed and can't breathe, then starts alternately gasping and vomiting. I'd say, "It wasn't pretty," but we couldn't actually see anything -- just the other models, hovering over Kayla and wondering if they can/should help (Answers: No/Probably, but what if whatever is happening to her is contagious?!) They call an ambulance, and Kayla is whisked away.

shesvomitinglethervomit.jpgJust good advice when dealing with the suddenly, violently, not-breathing-ly ill.

You guys. Youuuu guysssss. TYRA FINALLY DID IT! She finally scared a girl so badly that she HAD A HEART ATTACK.

I'm only joking about it because I've already seen the part where Kayla comes back, upright and alive. But at first, before we knew she had a stress-induced "cardiac arythmia" (AKA Tyra-induced Heart Attack!) it was very, very not-funny. "It was frightening," says Allison, who looks legitimately traumatized. Though, to be fair, that's kind of just her face.

Which is why, BEFORE we learned that Kayla was OK, the Virgin Mobile "Sparah" commercials officially graduated from "offensively stupid" to "offensively offensive." Usually it's just those two desperate, idiotic actors pretending to be some PR-machine-produced fake-celebrity couple because I don't know, that's just our world now, but TONIGHT they decided to joke about how Kayla getting violently ill and going to the hospital was a "Model Meltdown" that just goes to show that it's "difficult being beautiful." NO. It's called a "Medical Emergency," and it just goes to show that YOU'RE CALLED "VIRGIN" BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU, VIRGIN!

Kayla is physically fine now, but she's smart and realizes that she's ANYTHING but safe and sound now that she's had "an episode." Tyra's eyes and ears are always watching and waiting for a sign of weakness. "Watch, now I'm going to get eliminated because I'm a liability," she half-jokes.

The Challenge: Dead Bodies, Dead Brains

In case you're new around here, let me fill you in: This all-star season is all about BEING GOOD AT EVERYTHING SHOWBIZ, not merely modeling. These days, it's not just enough to be a pretty face anymore! You've got to act/sing/design/dance/sex-tape your way to the top! So every week, Tyra puts her all-stars to the test with a silly exercise about one facet of the entertainment industry. The ultimate irony being: Gather a bunch of normally skilled people, ask them to pretend-audition for a TV show or pretend-create a fragrance in an hour, and of course they'd struggle. It's an unrealistic scenario and request! Gather a bunch of MODELS, who have so far in their lives really only honed their "stand there, shut up and look pretty" skill, and ask them to do those things, and you've got a no-cal recipe for DISASTER.

OK, so the challenge is to audition for a "HA-uuuuuge!" role on CSI. "The #1 show ever! In the world!" says Laura, automatically securing herself a role in CSI's next promo. Smart. Today, they'll be auditioning as autopsy technicians. (But we all know whoever wins will play "Dead Model #8.")

Jay takes the girls into "Autopsy Room B," where CSI executive producer Anthony Zuicker lays in wait under a sheet on an autopsy table. He POPS! up like a Halloween skeleton to announce his arrival. "SURPRIIIIISE! I'm not dead, I'm your JUDGE!" I wrote a couple jokes about how that was so sad and undignified, but you know what? Anthony Zuicker can pop up like a clown's reanimated corpse on America's Next Top Model if he wants to! I bet he doesn't get asked to make celebrity appearances in front of a bunch of young, hot ladies very often. This is a BIG DEAL for him!

The girls have 30 minutes to memorize an autopsy scene that Anthony wrote himself ("What ELSE can we get him to do for free?" - the Top Model producers), and it's chock-full of medical mumbo-jumbo. Like...

bigwords-csi.jpg"Guhhhhhhhhhh" - About as far into that word as most of the models get

They take turns performing their scene with a hired actor while Jay and Anthony watch and critique. They're supposed to walk in, introduce themselves, say a line about slicing off the body's head (HAHA! Classic CSI decap joke!) and then give a long list of complicated chemicals found in the body. You know. "Acting."

So basically this entire scenario has set the models up to fail (and us to laugh at them failing). Camille is nervous and ultimately useless in the scene, giving up before she even begins. Kayla tries, but looks self-conscious, like she knows she's no actress. Sweet Southern Laura says, "bar-botanicals" instead of "barbiturates," bless her simple heart. Shannon forgets her very first line and never recovers; Dominique thinks this is a Covergirl commercial and says "Gas Mask Lash Blast" or something. Allison is ... Allison. According to the tox.

Bianca seems to have the list of drugs right in front of her, but panics anyway and says "NEOSPORIN." It's pretty great, I hope she wins for creativity (and germ-fighting). Angelea comes on set, all Acting Face Activated, and blows Anthony away. If there's one thing Angelea is great at, it's talking fast without knowing what she's talking about, so this role was MADE for her! Bre also does well in her audition, coming off rather careful and scholarly.

lisaslicingoffhishead.jpgLisa is last up, and decides to ad lib a bit: Instead of any of her actual lines, she just shrugs and says "F*ck." Interesting interpretation, Lisa. Edgy! But I'm not sure you captured the point of the scene, which was to joke about chopping off a dead guy's head and then say a bunch of drugs. In her second take, Lisa ad libs again and says a laundry list of drugs she wishes she could still do ("cocaine, alcohol...), especially right now, because this audition is painful.

THE WINNER: "It was ... difficult," says Jay, referring to watching the girls attempt to act, not picking the winner. Even though Angelea held her own, the winner is ... BRE! Bre is just happy to have booked a job. It'll be a shame when they tell her that, since she "won" the role, she's not getting paid for it.

The Photo Shoot: Express Yourself

The girls show up at a mansion for a practice photo shoot for Express, with whom the winner gets a national campaign at the end of all this. They're be posing with three chiseled blocks of man meat, who magically appear like three granted wishes from the Sexytime Genie. "Hi I'm Josh, what up I'm David, gutentag ich bin Hans," say the male models in order, yet somehow still in unison, then go back to communicating solely through smoldering gazes (their native tongue).

In her photo, each girl needs to tell one of Express's "stories": The Flirt, The Socialite, The Cool Chick, The Hot Chick, the Chick-Fil-A, or The Social Network. (Yeah, I'm pretty sure those are right.)

Angelea continues to shine, shine, shine. Today, as "the former hood rat socialite" with a heart and/or purse of gold. After her "episode" earlier, Kayla tries too hard to keep herself calm, and looks sort of sleepy, but she's "the cool chick," so it works. Allison looks expensive and adorable. Bre is "the flirt," and flirts her hardest, but maybe a little TOO hard for Mr. Jay. Dominique looks like she could turn you to stone with one glance, but in a sexy way? I don't know, but sometimes her face kind of scares me, and other times I think I might be in love with her.

Bianca disagrees with Jay over how to embody "the flirt" in the photo shoot, and declares to him: "Out of all the girls here, I'M the model!" OHhhhhHHHHhhh NO she did not. Just. Say that.

Jay just folds his arms and is like, "Uh," to Bianca, but then to us, he unleashes his full, lethal dose of BITCH upon her: "Just because you're 5'11'' and have a flawless body does NOT make you a model!" Then, "Actually not, you just MISSED the Model Boat, because I haven't seen 'model' this whole competition! ... Oh, that was harsh." Harsh and awesome.

Bianca doesn't even understand what she did wrong or why it might not be smart to go on a show called "All-Stars" and declare you're the only legitimate model in the place. It won't be long now before she redefines "meltdown." (I have money that she actually sets something on fire before the season is over.)

In her shoot, Shannon looks pretty. Shannon ALWAYS looks pretty. And that's about all. Laura plays well with the boys. Alexandria is wearing a HEINOUS cherry-red pantsuit with her hair slicked back. She looks like Sharon Stone went through a Hot Tub Time Machine. (And came out younger, wetter, and super-grumpy about it.)

alexandria-hottubtimemachine.jpgCamille, once again, is useless. She's supposed to be "delivering diva," but she looks like she'd be nervous coming to your door and delivering a pizza. She trips, looks bored and defeated, and then she's done.

Someone told Lisa that modeling for a brand called "Express" meant that she was supposed to move around AS FAST AS POSSIBLE, so she spends most of her shoot jumping around like an ice skater. The male models are tired and they wanna go home, so Lisa's frantic energy looks weird and forced against their frustrated confusion. Why couldn't she just stand there and let them smoulder-gaze like a NORMAL MODEL?

After the shoot, Camille cries about how she's getting older and it's harder for her to "bounce back" like these other girls. Which means she's clearly on ELIMINATION WATCH.

And after her disappointing audition and photo shoot, Lisa's on the brink. Though, to her credit (or maybe just her EDIT?) giving Lisa the final audition and final photo shoot both days is just asking for disappointment. Lisa's like a 4th of July sparkler: She burns brilliant, but she also burns fast. She's exhausting, even to herself, so by that point in the day, she's just DONE.

Judging Panel

Anthony Zuicker is this week's guest judge, because why not? This show is no longer about modeling, so they might as well have the CSI guy come back and judge their Express photos. Even Tyra realizes this season is a joke, I guess.

Laura: "You look like a high-class wonderful star," says Andre.
Kayla: She was supposed to be "the cool chick," and she succeeded.
Dominique: "Dynam-ique!" exclaims Andre.
Bre: She's supposed to be "The Flirt," but it feels too cutesy for Tyra and Nigel.
Alexandria: Her red suit looks atrocious, and she looks old. I HATE IT. The judges think it's not-the-worst, though.
Allison: Nigel loves how relaxed she looks in the photo, because she's always so nervous in person.
Camille: She's supposed to be "The Socialite," but she's completely isolated, stiff and bored in the shot. "It was a challenge to find you active and engaged in your story," says Tyra. Uhhhh ohhhh.
Lisa: The photo leaves Andre almost speechless. He says he can tell it's supposed to be happy, but it just makes him SAD. The judges ask Lisa why she phoned it in all week, and she gives her excuses: She was last, she tried her hardest, but the male models were hungry and screwed her over! Well, that's a new one. But the most important thing is WHAT IS LISA WEARING?

lisa-pinkbow.jpgActual doll clothes?

Bianca: She tried to go for the "come hither" flirty look, but she just looks "boring" and "amateur" to Tyra.
Angelea: Andre says she looks like "one of those Russian wives." Tyra: "You are new money. Like, 'Yeah, my family came into this last week, and so what?' I think it's great." The judges LOVE how pretentious and trashy she looks, I guess is what they're trying to say? Anthony raves about her "strong character" and solid CSI audition. Angelea has this one in the bag.
Shannon: She's giving good face and showing off the garments. But Nigel is bored: "Yeah. It's cute." Tyra thinks Shannon needs to stop sitting on pretty and push the charisma more.

Tyra's Elimination Pun of the Week: "When you return, I will announce who will be boarding an Express train ... home." I CHOO-CHOO don't-CHOOOOSE YOU!


Best Photo: ANGELEA.

angelea-finalep4.jpgShe's back on top, and says, "Hallelujah!" Then: "Thank you, Miss Banks." Thank goodness. This show would be so much more boring without her.

The rest:

Bottom Two: LISA and CAMILLE

Tyra says these two are polar opposites, but today they have something in common. (They're old!) They're full of excuses. "This is Top Model 17, and you know we don't accept excuses." But the show should get a couple ready, for why they have put these poor all-stars through this Humiliation Machine.


camille-ep4.jpgTyra to Lisa: "You're so much stronger than an excuse. You're a fighter. Continue to fight." I think we just witnessed Tyra giving Lisa permission to act out. Wishful thinking?

Camille gives an icy smile and thanks Tyra "for the opportunity" while looking like she'd like to spit in her face. But she doesn't, because she is cold and classy to the very end. Her exit interview: "I have to reinvent myself, and not winning America's Next Top Model isn't the end-all, because look how far I came."

Do you have a question for Camille? It's the same thing every week: I'm chatting with her tomorrow, and I'll ask her whatever you want, as long as it's not too stupid or embarrassing. My tolerance is pretty high on both fronts, so try your luck in the comments.

Next Week: The Kardashians show up. Oh great, finally some REAL celebrities! HA HA HA jk jk jk! (One jk for each Kardashian.) And the models have a runway challenge on a carousel, because everything about this cycle is just meant to punish them. Then, LATOYA EFFING JACKSON (!!!!!!!!!!) comes to supervise a photo shoot in which the models will pose as Michael Jackson through the years. Yes, it is too soon. And yes, it will probably be insensitive and offensive. And yes, it's totally OK if that's weirdly appealing to you. These Top Model recaps are a safe place. And c'mon: Bianca in THRILLER hair!

(Images courtesy of CW)

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