'Bachelor' Sneak Peeks for Tonight: Shawntel of the Dead, You're Killing Me
'Bachelor' Sneak Peeks for Tonight: Shawntel of the Dead, You're Killing Me
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
For East Coasters, only a few short hours separate you and tonight's new episode of The Bachelor. You don't need no stinking sneak peeks. It's almost time for the whole shebang. But, as I fear tonight's episode may cause me to perish of a stupidity overdose before I publish my recap, I thought it best to post these sneak peeks anyway. So, if you never hear from me again, you'll know it was the returning funeral director's fault. 

You see, as this first video shows, it used to be Shawntel's occupation as an undertaker that struck fear in the hearts of men. (Well, if Brad Womack counts as one of those.) Now it's her completely unfounded belief that Ben Flajnik, whom I'm fairly certain she has NEVER met, is her soulmate that may prove deadly. Because it's so embarrassing and false that I might die:

I'm really tired of hearing the people on this show justify their choices by saying that if they didn't do the stupid thing they're about to do, they'd always wonder, "What if?" Wondering "What if?" is not always a bad thing. It's a LOT better than doing the dumb thing and then wondering, "What was I thinking?" The answer to your "What if?" is almost always, "You'd look stupid, get dumped and cry. That's what." In fact, when someone on The Bachelor says, "I'll always wonder, 'what if?'" I  always yell back at my TV, "WELL, GOOD!" because these people SHOULD spend more time considering their poor decisions and those poor decisions' hypothetical, obnoxious consequences. And then not doing those things.

Ugh, Shawntel. Not that I'm going sympathize with the other women when they rip you apart and eat you alive like so many Jurassic Park raptors, but I'm going to enjoy it. Because you knew what you were getting into -- or at least you should have, if you hadn't been so busy creating an elaborate mind-fiction about your and Ben's undying love. (Get it? because she loves, and lives for, death.)

Anyway, MOVING ON. Here are some more videos from tonight's episode:

Sneak Peek 2: Skiiing in Bikinis! Shutting down an entire street in San Francisco and skiiing it with a bunch of bikini babes has been on Ben's "leap list" for a long time. Because it's important to have achievable, worthwhile, productive goals. Sarcasm aside, this date is just the stupidest. And it's made even worse by further cattiness over Blakeley's overbearing and malicious hooters:

Also apparently on Ben's "leap list": Simultaneously ruining the concept of "leap lists" AND The Bachelor franchise with his refusal to take ANY of this seriously.

Sneak Peek 3: Brittney Gets a Present! Brittney gets her first one-on-one date invitation from Ben, but she feels "torn and confused" by how she's never been on a real date with him and barely even knows the guy, and yet somehow she doesn't want to marry him yet. Looks like somebody was too busy chatting with her grandma that first night and didn't hear the rules of this game. 

Bye, Brittney! Because I'm assuming this means you're going to "do the unimaginable" and reject your date and Ben, and leave doused in dishonor, for you dared to question whether The Bachelor was the perfect man for you. You bring shame upon Grandma Sheryl.

Now you know not to miss tonight's Bachelor episode when it airs from 8 to 10pm on ABC, and don't forget to come back to BuddyTV for my recap. Even if Shawntel of the Dead kills me with her desperate lies, my ghost will blog about it from the great beyond.

(Image courtesy of ABC)

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