'Big Brother 13' Recap: Big Jeff Wins One for the Men
'Big Brother 13' Recap: Big Jeff Wins One for the Men
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
For the first three weeks of Big Brother 13, the veterans were in charge and systematically took out three of the biggest newbie competitors: Keith, Cassi and Dominic. Then Daniele's rebel alliance took control for three weeks, but thanks to the twist, they only got rid of Brendon and one of their own allies, Lawon.

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Now the veterans are back in charge (with the first male HoH of the season), and it's time to go back to their well-oiled machine of destruction as opposed to the Keystone Kops-level of gameplay from the other side.

The Soapy HoH

While the soap falls and the HGs run back and forth to fill their bowls, the diary room sessions get a bit redundant. Here's what they said about the competition.

Jeff: "Must-win."
Shelly: "Must-win."
Rachel: "I have to win."
Kalia: "It's time to bring it."
Porsche: "Really important."

After the serious portion is over, we see everybody slipping and falling while wacky music plays. Then Daniele "supports" Kalia with the most critical, depressing cheerleading ever. I kind of love Daniele's brutal honesty.

When the bubbles clear after one and a half hours, Jeff is the winner. It's at that moment that this entire week becomes painfully long and boring, because there are only three people (Daniele, Kalia and Porsche) who are actually in trouble, as opposed to the past few weeks where nearly everyone had to worry.

Rachel's Dumb Words of Stupidity

Rachel actually has the balls to say that when Daniele and Kalia won, she "pretended to be happy." Um, no she didn't, she sulked and gave them the death stare before running into the house to cry. Then, in talking about working with Jeff and Jordan, she actually says, "I have no one, so I definitely need my alliance." How does she have both no one and an alliance? Even Jordan isn't dumb enough to say something so preposterous.

Shelly is with me 100 percent, hating Rachel with the fiery passion of 10,000 suns. Shelly calls out Rachel in the HoH room, but Jeff does a decent job of keeping them in line by explaining to both women that they need to work together for a bit. As much as I've grown to dislike Jeff this season, I admire his ability to balance an alliance with two people who absolutely hate each other.

Jeff's "Deal" with Daniele

Daniele's dumbest move in the game (other than letting Kalia make a series of awful decisions during her HoH reign) is trusting that Jeff will hold up his end of the deal she made with him last week about not going after each other. However, Jeff goes the extra mile by actually telling Daniele that, even if one of his nominees (who they both know are Kalia and Porsche) comes off the block, Daniele wouldn't go up as a replacement nominee. I hope all you Jeff Lovers remember that he actually says that.

Jeff even admits in his diary room session that he has no real intention of sticking to that deal if he doesn't want to. I'm happy that, at the very least, the Big Brother 13 editors are constantly pointing out Shelly, Jeff and Rachel's lies and hypocrisy.

"The Saddest Girl in a Sombrero Ever"

Jeff gets to choose the Have-Nots for the week and he goes with Daniele, Porsche and Kalia. Yes, Dani and Porsche have yet to be Have-Nots, but let's not pretend that's the ONLY reason Jeff did this. He did it because those are the only three HGs not on his side. To her credit, Porsche handles it quite well, despite her hilarious quote about being "the saddest girl in a sombrero ever."

They get hard-boiled eggs and jalapenos. Why is America being so nice this season in terms of the foods they give the Have-Nots? Beef jerky? Catfish? Now eggs? They could've had durian (a spiny, stinky Asian fruit), and that would've been hilarious.

Also, if the HoH got to pick the Have-Nots, why not just mention it during the actual competition like they normally do? Is it because, if Jeff didn't win, they would've done something else? That's right folks, it's time for my conspiracy corner, where I make absurd, unproveable allegations that the producers are actively trying to help Jeff and Jordan win. Is it really that far-fetched? CBS already let them play Big Brother for a second time, they hosted a competition last season, they got to play The Amazing Race and Jeff did the web series Around the World for Free for the network. Obviously CBS has a rooting interest in Jeff Schroeder's success.

The Nominations

There's really no point to campaigning for Kalia, Porsche and Jeff, but they try anyway. Jeff saddles up his high horse, claiming that he hates it when people throw others under the bus. Throwing people under the bus is what most of this game is about, so shut up, Jeff. I'd prefer it if you throw someone under the bus instead of doing what Jeff did the first time Daniele was HoH, which was to cut a deal and then beg her not to tell him anything about her decisions so he could maintain plausible deniability while talking to Brendon and Rachel. That's the coward's way out.

Jeff makes me dislike him even more by marveling at how Porsche finally talked game with him. Um, she had a golden key for the first half of the game so she didn't need to talk game with anyone, then Daniele and Kalia ran the show for three weeks, so why would Porsche have ever talked game with him? In my opinion, Jeff is coming across like an arrogant frat boy douchebag, and I don't like it. I think a little too much of Brendon's cockiness rubbed off on him.

He decides to nominate Kalia and Porsche, claiming that he vowed to target Kalia after she nominated him and that Porsche has yet to play. Those are nice-sounding lies, but what about Shelly, who hasn't won anything yet either? This is the part of the Big Brother game I hate the most, when the sides are obvious to everyone, but they still pretend otherwise. It's why I could never win, because I would not be able to bite my tongue and go along with the lie.

See Who Won the Power of Veto>>


(Image courtesy of CBS)

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