It's The Biggest Loser finale! We get to see everyone at their creepy-thinnest! We will question Anna Kournikova's abilities as a trainer for the overweight! Will Ramon propose to Jessica? Who will win? I don't know who will win (John, probably), and I'm not betting on it because I put all my money on "Boston Johnny will wear a porkpie hat." It's his thing now.
Also, I will push Biggest Loser ahead an hour for Michael Buble's Christmas special, but "Inside the Royal Wedding?" Forget you. That thing happened ages ago and I want to see some people who have changed their lives around! Alison tells us that together the contestants have lost nearly a ton. She means that literally!
Alison promised "a few surprises and a special treat," then talked some about the new theme song. But I don't like the new theme song, I miss the gospel choir singing "What have you done today to make you feel proud?" But this new song is by Train, whose lead singer's hair looks just terrible. You can see for yourself:
Train was so inspired that they wrote and performed the Biggest Loser theme song. Let's take another look at this season! UGH LET'S NOT, I feel like I have been on an arduous, life-changing journey just watching this whole season. They found love, courage, and friendship, and Antone cried pretty much the whole time.
We will have to wait to see what the final three look like (ahhh, that must be why they got rid of the America Votes thing--gotta save the big reveal!), but we saw some silhouettes and we get to see plenty of other weight loss. Do you think Vinny will win the at-home prize? I do.
Alison brought out the trainers, and it's clear that we all love Dolvett, and feel luke-warm about Anna. Anna's suit is trimmed with leopard print; you can take the girl out of Russia ...
Alison brought out Johnny, Becky, and Jessica. Johnny WAS wearing his pork-pie hat, Becky has a smoking new body but maybe should have worn something a little more flattering? Jessica looks fantastic, and Vinny obviously looks awesome. I love his velvet jacket.
They're doing things differently this time, so that everybody gets to stay in their fancy clothes, they weighed everyone in beforehand and will have a weigh-off for just the top three contestants. Is that what Becky, Jessica, and Vinny are doing out here so soon? I don't know what Porkpie Johnny is doing here. He will not be weighing in for the at-home prize.
Becky weighs 150 lbs, but will not be weighing in. Alison tells Jessica and Vinny that one of them will be weighing in for a chance at the at-home prize. It will almost certainly be Vinny. But still, we took a look at Jessica's journey on the ranch. I guess we had seen enough of Becky! No montage for you.
So far, this live audience loves: Bob, Vinny, Dolvett, and Jessica and Ramon's relationship. They LOVE this relationship. You know what we hate? That Jessica said there won't be an engagement tonight. BOO! We want to see that ring!
For Vinny, Dolvett put on his old overalls. It was very odd to see, and belonged in Cirque du Soleil. I don't want to be mean, but it seems like Vinny's girlfriend has just gained weight since that photo was taken and Vinny went on The Biggest Loser.
Vinny will be weighing in, of course. Jessica knew she wouldn't be, but she got to come back for her weight loss news. She has lost a total of 80 pounds. Vinny was going around talking ot everyone and Alison tried to wrangle him in. Pace yourself, Alison, you have to keep this up for two hours.
Next out are Courtney, looking smokin' hot in gold, Bonnie, who will definitely not win, Sunny, who is totally in this, and Patrick, who looks good but doesn't know not to wear hats like that yet. Look how good Patrick looks, though, he could be in a Lifetime Original Movie! Those cheekbones.
Alison almost accidentally introduced a clip package for Courtney, who doesn't get one. She changed it into a question, then showed us Sunny's clip package (because Sunny is in the running for this at-home prize). This is a much-improved finale structure.
Bonnie lost 77 pounds, Courtney lost 87. Even though it is more TV friendly, I feel like this format takes away the individual's winning moment on the scale for people who still lost a lot of weight but aren't in that top three. After consoling Courtney for not making it, Alison even said, "now, on to the important stuff." That's cold.
Patrick will be weighing in against Vinny, and it's just a big ol' boys' club tonight isn't it. How could it not be? They all worked so hard, and started out with so much weight. Patrick and Sunny had 1% difference in weight loss percentage, though. Sunny lost 106 pounds!
Now we bring out Debbie, Mike, Joe, and Jennifer. Alison calls for her inner Ryan Seacrest and has Joe and Jennifer take a step to one side. Debbie and Mike wont' be weighing in, and that's all that is. They each lost 80-something pounds.
Jennifer looks confident, but Joe looks really thin. Joe cried a lot and Jennifer is obsessed with Bob, we learned from the clip packages. Bob got Jennifer some flowers for being his favorite stalker. And the player who will weigh in against all these big boys is Jennifer! The only girl to don weigh-in clothes tonight! And she must have kicked butt at home because Joe lost 133 pounds.
Patrick weighs in first, and he lost 151 lbs. He's also tall and very bangable. Jennifer lost 145 lbs, putting her in the lead ahead of Patrick. But obviously, Vinny is going to win this thing.
Vinny looks awesome, and nervous. He started out at 426, and lost 184 lbs. Just three pounds too little to beat Jennifer, who just won $100,000! Bummer for Vinny, though.
Ramon is first to walk out next to his former self. His new glasses make him look older, and that suit is just terrible. He is eternally cheerful, though, even though he doesn't have a ring. Supposedly, Anna gets to claim Ramon as her trainee, but Ramon clearly belongs to Dolvett, screaming "HARD WORK! DEDICATION!" to the crowd.
Ramon goes over to Jessica, not to propose, just to kiss her. Alison asks for an update and Ramon says, "we're loving life." Give us a ring, Ramon. Then Alison talked some smack about The Bachelor, so don't be surprised if you see a little red laser dot on her forehead, aimed by Chris Harrison.
Oh my god, look at Antone! He looks incredible, and found a suit that fits him. I wonder if we're going to talk about Bob's accusations that John will gain all the weight back after the finale tonight. Probably not, this is a celebratory time.
Alison notes that no one has ever wanted this as much as John, which could be true. Has it endeared him to us? Not really. Remember how his wife is making him meals and working to support both of them so he can work out? I guess it will all be worth it if he wins that money. Also, later, John got teary-eyed with gratitude for his wife, which was sweet. John looks, of course, scary thin.
I hate Alison's dress tonight, by the way. Who is dressing this woman and making her look crazy? John tells us that the attitude of "saying what's in your heart" will keep him from gaining the weight back. I don't know. If Bob is skeptical, we should be, too. He does look less like Kevin from The Office now, though.
SANTA is coming to the next season of The Biggest Loser! Is this for real? I love it. The new season starts in January, in three weeks. So soon. They're calling it the "No Excuses" season. And it looks like it's a couples season, which is always fun. They're also breaking up the couples, putting one family member on each team (Bob or Dolvett). Tasty! Did you see Bob's infuriation that that guy with the concussion didn't recognize him?
It's time for the final weigh-in. Ramon is just so happy for everyone. Antone and John are absolute giants. Tall, thin, giants now. To buy some time, Alison had Dr. Huizenga talk. He told them all that they beat "raging diabetes." John gets to decide the order, and it will go (no surprise) Ramon, Antone, John. But who does the confetti fall for?
Ramon is wearing blue, but he bleeds red, giving Dolvett yet another shout-out before weighing in. Ramon lost 154 lbs, 43.38%. Then he wandered off. Antone needs to have lost more than 193 lbs. He lost 202 lbs, putting him ahead of Ramon.
John looks like he knows he won. It's stupid to expect these people not to weigh themselves at home. John started out at 445, and must have lost more than 201 lbs. He weighs, 225, having lost 220 lbs. He got his confetti, and then probably immediately collapsed because he steamed all his water weight out just before the finale. No, I don't know, but he doesn't look healthy. Are we supposed to say that about the winners? Well, congratulations John, you did it. I hope you keep it off for the Biggest Loser Thanksgiving specials in years to come.
Watch the winning moment again:
(images courtesy of NBC)