I've already made my feelings clear (more
than clear--what's clearer than crystal clear? pure diamond clear? outer space clear?) about Bachelor Pad
: I hated it
with every atom of my being. I hated it
so much that I compared it to the BP oil spill when I begged ABC not to renew it
. Looking back, maybe that was too harsh, but I definitely stand by my claim that it was the "bastard demon spawn" of The Bachelor
, which already possesses its fair share of bastardy, demonic DNA in its original conception. The rules of the show were idiotic, the challenges were sexist and inane, the cast was supremely unlikable, the dates were miserable and unromantic, and it was an excruciating two-hours long just like its forebear. A couple episodes in to Bachelor Pad
, it was clear that the only thing worth rooting for was a swift conclusion.
Like I said: HATED IT!
Fun little sidenote: Bachelor Pad
season 1 winner Natalie Getz did not agree with my assessment and said as much on Twitter.
What can I say? Agree to disagree.
But, like Natalie, ABC doesn't care what I think, and Chris Harrison's got to feed his kids, and lots more Bachelor
alums need money and attention, and what are they gonna do, go find real jobs? Noooope. Not if they can shed their remaining clothing and dignity on Bachelor Pad
2, which is definitely happening and airing this August
. Ugh. OK. And, since they're
devoted to the fans, the producers are now taking suggestions
for who should be in this season's cast. Now that's what I call DEMOCRAZY!
Obviously the best course of action would be to not
renew the show and pretend the first season never happened. And if the challenges and rules don't change, season 2 is still going to monumentally suck
. But if it has to happen, here's my list of Bachelor alums who might be able to make Bachelor Pad suck a little less: Michelle Money:
I mean, obviously. She deserves an Olympic bodybuilding medal for carrying this season of The Bachelor
on her back. She was so over-the-top, openly evil that I grew to love her, and now I miss her. More Michelle!Kasey Kahl:
Kasey took smarmy romantic delusion to a whole 'nother level last season. He's the one who got the tattoo, told Ali to "jump in" to his heart and "stay awhile," and sang her terrible improv pop ballads on their dates. Kasey is the epitome of that guy,
of the proverbial "Don't be that guy.
But he's also one of the most entertaining characters we've ever seen on The Bachelorette
, and his whole shtick is founded on a lack of negativity--an emotion that overflowed on Bachelor Pad
1. Kasey loves everyone. Too much. Don't you want to see how he finds a way to love his nightmarish neighbors in the house?Britt Billmaier:
She's the sweet young thing whom Brad unceremoniously dumped on a yacht two weeks ago
on The Bachelor.
When we got a chance to hear Britt speak (which was not often), she too did not seem to have a negative bone in her body--and, unlike Kasey, she seemed totally sincere about it. While I hope Britt would not sign on for the sexual depravity standard to Bachelor Pad
, she could bring some needed wholesome fun to the so-called "game show." I just want a few contestants to root for who aren't jumping at the chance to strip on camera. Is that so much to ask?Craig Robinson:
He was the self-proclaimed "bulls*** detector" on Ali's season so we know he wouldn't put up with a lot of crap (or would at least say funny stuff when he grudgingly did), he's a lawyer so we know he's not completely stupid, and he hated Rated R. That's enough of a positive endorsement for me.Madison Garton:
For being nicknamed "the vampire girl," she actually came across relatively normal, thoughtful, smart and human in her post-elimination interview
, and I found myself wishing we'd gotten to know her better. She gave off the wrong first impression (who hasn't?) but for someone with voluntary fang implants, she's surprisingly likable--starting with her choice to dump Brad before he had the chance to dump her first. I would like to see her be likable on Bachelor Pad,
and scare her more unlikable competition by pretending to bite them.
. He's here because he was Carla's favorite during Ali's season simply because he never said a word, and when he did, it was about how much he liked Mexican food. Carla deemed him "America's silent sweetheart." I loved it so much. Bring Chris back!Erica Rose:
She was a crazy tiara-wearing princess on The Bachelor: Rome
, and she was an even crazier princess on VH1's You're Cut Off.
She's so terrible she crosses back over into amazing. Plus, her lips are looking INSANE lately
. She knows what it takes to make a reality show entertaining, and she'll throw herself under the bus (as they say
) to do it. She's like the Bachelor
's own Snooki: I hate myself for loving her, but I cannot help it.Tanner Pope:
The foot fetishist from Jillian's season. I have no extended explanation beyond that I just think it would be funny. Oh, and that one time ABC elected to blur out his package
because it was apparently that large
. Let's give them more blurring work to do!
Brad from Jillian's season:
I don't know his last name, but I know that he called himself "the ultimate badass" and then shared one of the worst kisses
with Jillian in Bachelor
history. He was, by all accounts, a total weenie. I think I just want a season full of underdogs. They're just as entertaining but less infuriating than the cocky, shirtless front-runners of Bachelor
seasons past.Stacey Elza:
She's the one who got wasted the first night
, called a girl a whore, told some other girls she'd kill their families, then stuffed a pair of her underwear down Matt Grant's pants and passed out. She has clearly earned her position in this cast.
So those are my suggestions. You may have been expecting or hoping for me to name former fan favorites like Reid Rosenthal, Chris Lambton, Ella Nolan, Graham Bunn and Shawntel Newton--but honestly, as it stands on Bachelor Pad
, they're better than that. And most of them are in relationships, or so we hear, and since the Pad
is aaaaall about falling in love
, that just wouldn't fly.
But speaking of flying ... how about the return of
) Jake Pavelka
? If you're gonna make a nightmare TV show, you might as well go all the way and cast a psychopath
.Who do YOU think should be on Bachelor Pad 2?
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(Image courtesy of ABC)