Last week, Ames and Jackie left, the only two human beings to ever escape the Bachelor Pad happily, with dignity and completely in love. Then the next day, we learned that he surprise-dumped her a couple weeks later with little or no explanation. Aaaaames! How could you?!

Maybe I'm being crazy, but it's almost like these people don't actually care about each other as much as they say they do when they're on TV, you know?

Now that we've had our one slim shred of hope on this show stomped into the ground, let's catch up with the horror beings who are still left in the game:

Blake and Melissa: Melissa's "blood" (vodka) is boiling at Blake, because he's been playing her for Holly. Blake is at least comforted by knowing that Jake is more hated among the women than he is. Melissa goes to Holly, whose rock-solid defense is, "I flirt with all the boys, that's my nature!" Apparently her "nature" was programmed by Mattel. Even though she clearly still wants him, Holly tries to comfort the Crazy and says, "Everyone's pissed at Blake."

Kasey and Vienna: They're still completely focused on getting rid of Jake, even while they share a romantic outdoor hoodie-hump by the pool. I'm kind of looking forward to when Jake gets eliminated, because then what will these two even talk about?! (Nosejobs, probably.)

The Challenge: Hell AND High Water 

It's a synchronized swimming showdown! Wait, what? Oh, I see what's happening: After two weeks of gross, grotesque, overly sexual and emotionally scarring "challenges," this week Bachelor Pad is challenging ITSELF to see if it can corrupt one of the most innocent and adorable "sports" out there.

The men and women will need to learn and then perform a routine for a group of judges. They'll be judged on technique, showmanship, crying/not crying, speedo bulge and breast implant buoyancy. Synchronized swimming is all about teamwork (hence the word SYNCHRONIZED). But because this show hates logic almost as much as it hates cooperation, still only one man and one woman will win.

The two coaches immediately regret their decision to come to the wettest part of a herpes jungle to train these spoiled, self-satisfied snake-babies in the art of swimnastics. But even ladies who prance underwater have to put food on their families. The girls' coach at least makes her disdain obvious, calling her team a bunch of "broken, lazy marionettes"! Which is awesome, because it's true even when the girls are NOT swimming together! Under the tutelage of Michael Stagliano, who teaches breakdancing for a living ("living"), the boys get over their initial prancing embarrassment and get to work on becoming mermen for the day.


Then we meet the judges: An actual synchronized swimmer whose name not even Chris Harrison can pretend to care about, and Natalie and Dave from Bachelor Pad season one, who were contractually obligated to be here, and know a lot about swimming, because they've been swimming in an Olympic sized pool of unemployable irrelevance since their win last summer.

The Women's Routine: Erica has the memory, but not the aquatic skills, of a goldfish, and mainly just flops around confusedly. She is the princess of my heart on these Monday nights, truly. Michelle and Vienna seem to be the only girls who retained any information from their training -- and, better yet, Michelle actually looks good in her swimcap, which is a tasteful blue instead of the rainbow cupcake frosting tops the other girls got. The other girls embarrass themselves by spreading their legs and flopping about, but they're used to that.


The Men's Routine: It's to the same music as the women's routine was, OF COURSE. This show is so lazy, it's like every challenge was thrown together by four teenage summer camp counselors in an hour. (I bet if a challenge required a pirate ship for the contestants to ride in, it would be a large cardboard box with the words "SHIP, YARRR" painted on the front.) But you know who's NOT lazy? Jake Pavelka. Oh boy, is he just trying SO HARD to be likable -- and luckily, synchronized swimming is a very forgiving sport when it comes to over-enthusiasm to the point of creepiness. But Jake has real competition in Michael, who has the right mix of dance ability, enthusiasm and ab control for this challenge.

Routines finished, scores tallied, margin-doodles pretended to be actual notes -- the judges make their decisions. "Judges, thank you for being here. There's a lot on the line," says Chris Harrison, professional exaggerator/giver of roses and suffering.

The Winners: Michael Stagliano wins for the men, for the second week in a row. Another victory for the good* guys! (*Relatively speaking.) For her "dazzle razzle," Michelle Money wins for the women! Vienna feels "cheated," because sheeee wanted to go on a date with Kaaaaseeeeey! She goes to her room and cries to her diary about it. (JK! She's illiterate.)

The Passion of the Pavelka

In an inadvertent parody of his public image, Jake says that this is his last shot to win over some supporters, because Vienna and Kasey will do anything to "get him off." (SIDENOTE: Please tell me I'm not the only one who laughs when someone on this show says about someone else on this show, "we have to get him off!" Hahahahahandjobs. ) Luckily for Jake, BUT NOT FOR US, Erica wants to access Jake's large "package" (eww, gross) that she got a glimpse of during the swimming competition, so the princess promises to protect her plentifully penile pilot from punishment.

Kasey thinks he witnesses Vienna being "nice and cordial" to Jake, and that any conviviality between the ex-fiances will make them (Kasey and Vienna) "lose credibility" with the rest of the house. So he confronts her IN FRONT of half the house and they have a stupid, crying fight about it. Nothing solidifies your "credibility" like screaming, "You want another public breakup on TV?" at your girlfriend as she throws a pillow at your back and screams, "Stop being such a dick!"

Just kidding. They look so ridiculous that even Melissa is like, "Oh my god you guys, this is so petty! You love each other!" (Melissa doesn't know what love is. Melissa wants to know what love is, and she wants Blake to show her.) Kasienna move their fight to the laundry room so just a camera man and America can overhear as this solid, committed couple who spend all day drinking by the pool bicker like children over whose life is harder. "I'm living with the man who terrorized me!" "Well I'm living with YOU!" It's a real stand-off, until Kasey wins the fight with this gem of a sentiment, maybe my favorite he's ever said:

"I get that you're in the house with your ex-fiance, and that he physically and mentally abused you. That was a year ago. Get over it." - Kasey Kahl, BoyFrogfriend of the Year

Michelle's Date: Wine Time (and S'mores! With Extra Graham)

She decides to take Graham, Blake and Kasey (oooOoOOooooh!) on her date to a vineyard. Is it the same one where Jake Pavelka once shaved himself on a barrel? I have no idea, but YES.

Good Witch Michelle and her harem sit down to talk over some Manipulation Merlot. Michelle tells Blake that he hurt Melissa (duh), that it doesn't make him look good (double duh), and that he needs to fix it (triple sow-duh!) ... or he's going home soon. Blake is reluctant to put on his little boy prostitute pants again. Melissa is one scary john.

After dark, Michelle pulls Graham aside and tells him that she has a CRUSH on him, but she wants him to feel comfortable before they act on any feelings, since he apparently just went through a bad breakup. Micheeeeelle! How come you were so crazy on The Bachelor and you're so great now? It's cool though, because somehow remembering that time that you threw an "It's my 30th birthday!" crying fit just makes me love you more today. We've grown so much, the two of us, side by side. Michelle and me, me and Michelle.

Anyway, Michelle and Graham make out a little bit, and then she gives him her rose, and another kiss, as all around, Kasey's frog brethen ribbet their approval of this auspicious union. Where once she was the villain of the same tale, tonight, Michelle mimics a different part of The Little Mermaid.


Move over, pasties. There's a new power couple in town, and their hair is as ebony as their hearts. Graham and Money are about to brunette your asses to the ground.

Michael's Date: Ride It, My Pony

Michael asks Vienna and Ella to go on his date because neither of them have been "out of the house yet." COOL INVITATION! (If you're Emily Dickinson.) And, of course, he asks Holly again. "It's an easy choice, game-wise. It's a really hard choice, personally," says Michael, who at least realizes that he is twisting the knife in his own heart for the sake of the "game."

Their date starts with a horseback ride, which has the women squealing with genuine joy. "Finally, I get to ride someone who LISTENS!" But the joy doesn't last, because Vienna annoys everyone with her complaining, mannerisms and inherent personality. 

Meanwhile, back at the PAD: Blake calls Melissa a "shrew of a bitch" behind her back, but then pulls her aside so he can pretend to be interested in her again, so she won't convince all the women to "get him off." (LOL, againnnnn?) His plan works -- sort of. Melissa forgives him, but seems wary to get involved again. Dr. Blake needs to improve his bedside manner. And his brain.

Back on Michael's date: While sitting/squinting on a bench together, Michael says he misses Holly, and it's been so good to be around her again. "Every time I look at you, you're so beautiful," he says on the verge of tears. Acoustic Spanish guitar is the raft on which Michael's heart flows down the river of emotion that springs forth from his soul.

Even though they have so many FEELINGS, deep down Holly doesn't think that she and Mike should be together, because "relationships aren't meant to be this hard." But there's one man who might be able to change her mind. He whose love is heavy, common and lifeless, like a rock -- a rock of love, if you wi-- oh screw it, it's BRET MICHAELS.


But first, back at the PAD: Kasey has been so busy guarding and protecting Vienna's heart that he forgot to guard and protect his own heart. Harnessing the power of the sun, he gathers his remaining strength to destroy Jake -- the next big obstacle on his long, arduous path to Mordor. 

Then, in a moment of true, pure, high-grade grossness, Jake and Erica finally embrace their (hours-long) sexual tension and gratuitously make out. Their sticky slurping sounds, like two naked mole-rats wrestling in a tub of syrup, will haunt me until the end of days.


"I definitely have great lips that I maintain with getting injections every six months," says Erica, the gaping Self-Awareness Black Hole that she is. Bless her Botox-injected heart.

Right. So. Back on Michael's date: Bret Michaels is there. Because of course. It says "ROSES" in his band name, doesn't it?! (Nope, different band. It says "POISON" in his band name, and that's what this show is for our brains, isn't it?)

Holly and Michael get in the bus (#1 rule when you meet Bret Michaels: Do NOT get in the bus!) and Holly tells him why she got Michael's rose today: "We got engaged." Bret hilariously jumps the gun: "Congratulations!" "...but then we broke up," she finishes. Being the pinnacle of monogamous virtue and romantic intelligence that he is, Bret gives Holly and Michael some love-life advice that, much as I strained and focused, the firewall on my brain would NOT ALLOW me to hear. Too dangerous; can't be too careful these days. But let me guess: It was something about listening to your heart and never letting 'em see you wigless.

Bret says that he needs to "warm up" for his show tonight, so would they mind if he just grabbed his guitar real quick and did a little bus sesh of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" for them? No, of course not! Go right ahead, Bret Michaels. You're the one who had a near-death last year -- if pretend-serenading a pair of "Who's thats?" on a summer reality show that isn't about your own search for love (on a bus) is how you want to spend the precious remaining days of your life, then who are we to stop you?


Holly says, "I felt like my life flashed before my eyes while he was singing." Yeah, I kinda thought I might die, too.

The Manipulation Marathon

It's their six month anniversary (ONLY SIX MONTHS?!), so Kasey wants to present Vienna with a gift of reassurance and love. He pulls out a little black box and says, "My love for you is infinity."

Sit on that one for a full minute, then continue reading.

Welcome back. Vienna exclaims, "I don't want it to be an engagement ring!" Moment ruined. "It's not an engagement ring," he says, deflated. "It's a promise ring." She giggles: "...OKAY!"

Evil witch that she is, Vienna is determined to prove to Kasey (and us) every reason why he shouldn't love her at the moment when he's trying to show the infinity-ness of his love. But the more unlovable she is, the more Kasey tries to justify his feelings/ring purchase/national declarations of devotion... Oh no. You know what that means. IT'S KASEY KAHL IMPROV POP BALLAD TIME!

If you forgot, suffered major head trauma in the last year or blocked it out because you were traumatized by joy-overload, here you go: When he was on The Bachelorette, Kasey's shining moment was an improv pop ballad that he sang to Ali. It was such an effective tactic that he became the first Bachelorette contestant to ever get a do-over (no rose, but an invitation to stay), presumably because Ali thought his song was proof that he was in the midst of a medication-induced psychotic episode, and it wasn't his fault that he was so insane and off-putting. It was the best worst ever ever EVER.

Tonight, Kasey chooses to serenade Vienna in the key of "C-word" (it's HER key!!) and it goes a little something like this:

I know that from this moment on
I can carry on
My love for you
Tonight
I gave you a promise
I put it on your finger
And all I know now
Is that you are my ... forever
So when you're feeling blue
Just know that I love you

Amazing!

But look, over here: It's a battle of who is blonder, crazier and more emotionally deformed between Melissa and Erica. I think they're competing over Jake and/or who is a bigger liar about everything always. The general consensus seems to be that Melissa is "CRAZY" -- which she proves true by cry-scream-confronting Erica about all her LIES. "I'm not strong enough for this," Melissa sobs. True again! Erica's evil plan is working. Melissa is not long for this game.

Melissa is on the edge, but she decides to see it through the rose ceremony. Fully brainwashed by the Bachelor system, she needs the pomp and circumstance to make the rejection feel real. Blake, ever the idiotic a-hole, decides now is the time to tell Melissa that he wants to be just her game, not her sex, partner. He wants to keep things "professional," which is like somebody in the middle of filming a porn scene saying he'd like to keep things "celibate."

And that's the straw that broke the shrew-bitch's back. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Melissa shudder-scream-cries into Jake's arms. Jake reveals that he's not as dumb as he looks (or that he's an experienced predator?): "All she wants is to be comforted. Whoever gives her comfort, she'll follow." Jake succeeds in convincing Melissa that she needs to stay (she doesn't) and that everything will work out for her if she (no, it won't). What Jake needs is Melissa's vote, as their plan is to break up a power couple (Vienna and Kasey) and they won't have the numbers without Melissa.

Still, Kasey's "main goal" is to "get Jake off"! HAHAHA, let me guess: "That's not the kind of threesome you had in mind," am I right, Vienna?

The Twist: Chris Harrison enters to announce tonight's twist. I guess a twist is mandatory each week from now on. Meaning it's expected. Meaning it's not a twist. Bachelor Pad: Our stupidity shows at every turn!

Tonight's twist: Only one man is leaving, and no women.

Well, that makes things pretty easy for the power alliance. We watch as a parade of Jake portraits fall into the Black Box of Death.

But all hope isn't yet lost for Jake. Erica mounts a campaign to get a majority to vote for Kasey instead of Jake. Her swing votes are Kirk and Melissa. Erica tries to wrangle Melissa's unstable brain-reins and, using the power of sympathetic girl talk, succeeds in convincing Melissa to vote for Kasey.

But William, the Wormtail to Kasey's Voldemort, can't keep his mouth shut  -- he goes sniveling to his master, literally says "don't be mad at meeee" and tells Kasey that master is at risk, and that Erica is to blame. Vienna erupts in indignant teenage rage all over our poor conniving princess, who is officially in out of her (intellectual) depth. All she wanted was to experience life outside those castle walls!