Aaaand, we're back. Where last week's Bachelor Pad
got mired in excruciatingly idiotic strategy sessions between the "insiders" and the "outsiders," this week's episode brought forth the elements we were all hoping for in the first place on this summer sleaze-fest:
Crying. Romance. Rejection. Overnight dates. Massages. Topless parties. A kissing contest. (Once just an apt metaphor for the show concept, now a literal activity.) Back-stabbing. (Unfortunately not literal.) One person calling another person "the modern day Shakespeare" when he or she is so clearly NOT the modern day Shakespeare. Also, no speedos. Hurray!
You're lucky I've got nothing else to watch and no moral compass left to guide my hand on the remote, Bachelor Pad.
But thanks for getting back to making me sick in a good(ish) way. Gia, Whiz
After last week's elimination ceremony, Gia is p.o'ed at Nikki for backing out of the "Let's get rid of Kiptyn" plan, and then proceeds to TELL Kiptyn all about it in front of everyone, and publicly shame Nikki and call her a liar. Then she worries that, now that they know, Kiptyn and his buddies will want to vote her off next week because she instigated the movement to vote off Kiptyn. Hey Gia: They all know BECAUSE
YOU TOLD THEM. The Bachelor
brain trust is at it again! Adding the element of strategy to this show is like asking the Project Runway
contestants to design rocket ships.A Rousing Game of Musical Mouths
Melissa Rycroft has a hard time hiding her disgust (for this competition, for herself for being involved) as she describes that today's competition will test their powers of sluttiness and tongue flexibility: The men and women will line up and then kiss the blindfolded women one by one, and vice versa. Whomever is voted "best kisser" wins the rose.
Gia wants to participate, but can't decide if her boyfriend will be mad about this or not. (Hear that little voice inside your head? The one that tells obvious truths? It's saying HE WILL BE. But you didn't listen to it when you signed up for this show, so why start now?) Instead, Gia takes Natalie's advice: "Just get over it. Make out." Gia justifies her participation: "The people here are adults. I'm an adult. My boyfriend is an adult." (Do you know what show you're on? I'm not so sure about any of that.)
Ashley, who is apparently a teacher when she's not leaving for months at a time to film reality shows, all of a sudden worries that she's going to lose the respect of her students by participating in a kissing contest. "Money can't buy the respect of my students." Uhhhhh
. Talk about a LOST CAUSE. Like her students would sit down in front of the TV and say, "I used to really look up to and respect my social studies teacher Ms. Elmore (the one who tried to find a husband on TV by dressing up in a flight attendant costume, remember her?) for going on another reality TV show in a bikini and playing games that fuse sexual manipulation with greed, but then she participated in a kissing contest. OH THE HUMANITY."Anyway, back to the MACKIN'. The highlights:
The Kissing Contest Winners:
- Natalie likes Dave's "aggressive" kisses. Dave admits that "I've got some pretty good kissing lips" and then calls this competition "the bread winner" above the pie eating contest, because he doesn't know what "bread winner" means.
- The ABC sound department gets a gold star for playing some serious sparkly unicorn magic sound effects when Tenley and Kiptyn kiss.
- Natalie: "I'm not scared to kiss the boys. I would make out with everybody in this house for like 20 bucks."
- Gia gives uncomfortable pecks to a couple of the guys before crying and bailing out. Gia: "I didn't think that everyone was going to turn into porn stars here." (Again, do you have any clue what show you are currently on?)
- Elizabeth gives the Weatherman a hot and heavy tongue bath, and then washes her mouth out with pool water. But even chlorine won't wash away the shame.
- Wes is the last guy to kiss all the girls, and feels queasy because he's "kind of a germaphobe." (For the last time: DO ANY OF YOU KNOW THE CONCEPT FOR THIS TELEVISION PROGRAM?)
David wins for the guys and gives a deadpan acceptance speech like he just won the Superbowl: "I'm a passionate kisser, I'm a passionate lover, and I think that came out today." Peyton wins for the ladies because she chose to go the "gentle" route rather than attack the guys' mouths like Natalie and Elizabeth.Dave's Date
Dave takes Nikki, Natalie and Krisily with him to Vegas, where they immediately go to "Bare," a topless pool that they have all to themselves. SURPRISE: Natalie says she's "always wanted to go to a nude pool."
Krisily has a crush on Dave after feeling the "chemistry" of their kiss, but fails to keep his attention long enough to tell him. It doesn't help her cause that Natalie took some E on the plane and is now romping around the pool, jumping on all the topless pool's outdoor beds (for all that topless outdoor groping).
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. But what happens on TV happens everywhere and lives forever.
Natalie gets topless and stays topless, while the other ladies stay strapped in so, SURPRISE #2: She gets Dave's rose, and Krisily and Nikki get a ride home after they got all dolled up for a night in Vegas.
Krisily kicks herself for not putting herself (and her boobs) out there. Meanwhile, back in their villa, Dave is now wondering "To bone or not to bone?" about his "good friend" Natalie. Cue the "fantasy suite" card. Aaaaand the makeout. After declaring that "she's got a lot of good character," Dave and Natalie spent the night in the fantasy suite. Now they're a couple, but decide to keep their relationship a secret so the other roommates won't target them.Peyton's Date
Peyton takes Kovacs, Kiptyn and Jesse B. to race cars, and it's boring, so I make bad car movie jokes in my head for ten minutes while they drive back and forth. ("I wish this show was Gone in 60 Seconds
." "It's not going Fast
enough, and I am Furious
about it," etc.)
At first inspection, Peyton seemed like the most normal and smartest girl on Bachelor Pad
. But now she's saying silly things like "Maybe I'll win a guy along with the $250,000" and "I fell for Jesse B.'s charm." His charm
? Jesse B.'s charm hits you like a rock chiseled into the shape of a sharper rock. When he talks, I can actually picture it getting translated into cave drawings.
Even though hot AND literate Kiptyn lies and tells Peyton that he doesn't want to date Tenley (he does, he's just biding his time), she still picks Jesse B. to take the rose and a night together in the fantasy suite. Noooo, Peyton, nooooo. But oh well. I suppose it's my fault for expecting anything more. Meanwhile, Back at the Pad...
Wes is spitting his best game at Gia, and Gia is unequivocally wasted. He plays his #1 hit, "Love Don't Come Easy," because that is the only song he knows, and all her parts, even the plastic ones, just meeeeelt
. She says it's the only song she's "ever listened to the lyrics and actually related to it." Really? Because then it's probably the only song you've ever listened to
Because, like, love, it actually doesn't come all that easily ... you know?
Then comes the real good stuff. Gia raves about how "amazing" Wes is, and declares, "He's like the modern day Shakespeare. But better and cuter." Oh, swimsuit model. So pretty. Please don't make literary comparisons. Please just don't say ideas, ever. Elimination Day
Dave, Natalie, Jesse B. and Peyton are safe. Gia is on the chopping block for her conspiring last week. Elizabeth is on the block for being in a couple and also for being batsh*t crazy (probably). Jesse Kovacs is up for being associated with crazy Elizabeth, and Weatherman is up for being Weatherman (strategically useless, sexually nonviable).
Gia tries to convince Kiptyn to keep her around, and says she was just "the messenger of trying to help everyone," so HOW DARE HE say she tried to convince all the girls to drop him. (Even though she did.)
At the rose ceremony, Weatherman
is eliminated. (Noooo!) Then it comes down to a tie between Gia and Elizabeth. Because he won the challenge, Dave is the tie-breaker, and he decides to save Elizabeth. Gia
Gia tells Wes she loves him as she leaves, and then in the car laments that she never got the chance to tell him how she felt. (WHAT BOYFRIEND?) The Weatherman makes a constipated face (constipated with rage
) as he says, "Stupidity is rampant ... (In this show? In my brain?) ... in this world," and that's why he got voted out. Next Week:
The Bachelor Pad
turns into Backstabber Pad as Chris Harrison hands out a questionnaire asking all of them to name names on who is the worst this and the ugliest that. Apparently there's no "All of the above" option. (Images courtesy of ABC)