Last night on a special Labor Day edition of Bachelor Pad
: Silly carnival games, sexual manipulation, gratuitous and ineffectual strategizing and about 600 mentions of "love" between the dysfunctional remaining couples. Just like every night on Bachelor Pad
! God Bless America.
But you still want to know all the ridiculous minutiae. Which is why you will read on:
All the Single Ladies ...
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The week starts out with a purge: Chris Harrison announces that the time has come to knock out three of the women to even the male-female numbers in the house. (By the way, Chris's logic that they started with more women than men because there have been more seasons of The Bachelor
than The Bachelorette
? HOGWASH. More women means more drama and more crying. You may be able to play these human fiddles on your show like fools, Harrison, but you can't fool me.)
Anyway: How will the Bachelor Pad
-ders determine who stays and who goes? With a rousing (but not arousing
) game of Spin the Bottle. And the 2010 Juvenile Olympics continue! What's next, playing with blocks and learning the ABCs? (Actually, I think Jesse B. could benefit from those lessons.)
Spin the Bottle couldn't be any more anticlimactic. It's up to the men to pick their partners for the rest of the game, and the three remaining ladies must say sayonara
. So it's all a big pile of DUH:
Kiptyn picks Tenley
(even though he should save Nikki, who saved him before)Jesse K. picks Elizabeth
(even though he thinks she has "a screw loose"--and he's missing about 50 screws)Jesse B. picks Peyton
(his babysitter)Dave picks Natalie
Which means Gwen, Ashley and Nikki are out, and Bachelor Pad
adds insult to injury by showing footage of the women lamenting the lack of love in their lives as they depart in their limos. No mention of the money--what's important now is that none of the self-important gorilla-idiots in that house wanted to love them! "I could very well be in Gwen's shoes someday," Elizabeth pityingly says as they ship Gwen out on her metaphorical ice floe, "40 and alone, living with a million cats and letting them lick my feet clean because I lack the willpower to even take a shower. What's the point when you're ALONE? You might as well be dead." Or something like that.The Most Intense Water Balloon Toss of ALL TIME
Today is the first couples' challenge, but don't worry: It's just as stupid as all the other challenges, and the stakes are exactly the same. (There aren't any. I mean, how can there be stakes when we don't give a s*** about any of these people? But I digress ...)
The couples have to toss a balloon back and forth, getting farther apart as they go. SPLISH SPLASH SPLOOSH. Jesse B. and Peyton get out first, then Tenley and Kiptyn and Elizabeth and Kovacs follow suit, leaving Natalie and Dave (the power couple to define a generation
) as the winners. They're going on a date! They both can't stop smiling! They're a real couple now! They might win all the monies! But they're also both openly selfish jerks. So my vicarious joy for them is negligible.
Team Name: "the Chicken McNugget 2-Piece"
Now Peyton and Jesse B. are worried that they'll get eliminated this week. Which they probably will. Aaaand I repeat: Who cares?"Oh my gosh, what if you're going in a rocket?"
No, Tenley, you adorable little woodland creature, Natalie and Dave are NOT going in a rocket, unless it's to the galaxy of reality stars overstaying their welcome. (WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER GALAXY!)
While Natalie and Dave get primped for their date, Elizabeth and Kovacs make out on their yellow Lamborghini (as ya do when you're in luuuuurve
"If a girl catches a bad case of Kovacs, so be it."
("Hello, doctor? I have a burning sensation that simultaneously makes me nauseous and depressed. I think I might have a case of the Kovacs. Let's discuss euthanasia options.") Wow, sorry you guys. I just got back from a week's vacation and I've got a serious case of the Bachelor
cynicism today. But, to be fair: Watching two jerks dry hump on top of a yellow car is inherently GROSS.
For their date, Dave and Natalie drive the car up to the side of a cliff ("DRIVE IT OFF! DRIVE IT OFF!" - me to my TV) and take sexy photos of themselves with the car that they will later post on their MySpace profiles with captions like "This car is the SHIZZZZ!"
and "Just being me <33333"
Later, Natalie and Dave reveal that they are actual human beings with loving families and psychological problems (well, that latter part we pretty much knew). If she wins the money, Natalie wants to give some of the money to her parents. Dave tells Natalie about how his parents' divorce has affected him in relationships, and how he doesn't talk to his dad anymore after a big blow-out between the two of them. UH OH, it's getting heavy up in here. Luckily, there's a cure for that: Steamy hot tub make-out.Strategy is Just Another Word for Emotional Manipulation
Kiptyn and Tenley (Tynley and Kipten? Kipley and Tentyn? Kippyten and Lyntyntyn?) are "super-duper butterflies and flower blossoms" in love now, whereas Elizabeth and Kovacs are more like "co-dependent ticking time bombs of imminent mutual destruction" in love. Kovacs and Elizabeth sneak into the Fantasy Suite and turn it into a Waking Nightmare Suite with Elizabeth's illogical neediness after their illicit tryst.
"I don't see you going out of your way to do romantic things with me," she says.
"What did we just do tonight?" Kovacs asks exasperatedly.
Girlfriend, he doesn't have TIME to do romantic things for you. His days are taken up by balloon tosses and kissing contests and Lamborghini humpfests. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?Elimination Day
The last 40 minutes of every Bachelor Pad
episode is the equivalent of the Ghostbusters
Stay Puft Marshmallow Man: Huge, sticky, destructive and FLUFFY AS HELL. So let's cut to the chase.
Basically, it comes down to whether Dave and Natalie want to keep around Dave's BFF Kovacs (with his crazy ol' ball and chain) or the "weak team" of Jesse B. and Peyton. Natalie and Tenley weakly attempt to rebel and send home Kovacs and Elizabeth, but the men of the "power couples" get their way again, and Peyton and Jesse B.
get the boot. Next Week:
The three remaining couples compete in a ballroom dancing competition, trained by the Dancing with the Stars
pros and judged by past Bachelor
stars. (You know when you have two different food items on your plate, and they accidentally get mixed all together, and they taste weird and gross as a combo, but you eat the mixture anyway, because what else are you going to eat
? It's going to be kind of like that.)
(Images courtesy of ABC)