Tonight on Bachelor Pad: Hurt feelings over botched boob jobs and burgeoning new romances at romantic beach dinners. Two liars and jerks got sent home and a bunch of other liars and jerks are one step closer to going home at a later date. You know. The usual.
Here's what went down in the PAD:
Post-Vote Depressed Wes
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Upset that Gia was "shockingly" eliminated last week, Wes tells the group that they should probably stop "bending over and blowing smoke up each other's asses" and instead just tell the truth and hug and prance around in a meadow where there are no lies allowed, only smiles and country songs. Dave calls him a jackass because this is a game about lying and manipulating, and "we all have to vote everybody off. Duh."
Wes now has it out for Dave, whom he says "ripped his britches" when he messed with the Wes. Unfortunately, he's too broken up about losing the love of his life (who just happens to have a boyfriend) to actually do anything about his new grudge. He drowns his sorrows in the hot tub of infinite heartache.
He's trapped in a liquid case of emotion. Survey Says ...
The Bachelor Padders each fill out a survey asking their "honest" opinions about each other, with questions like: Who's the dumbest? Who's going to win? Whose boob job makes you dry heave? Who walks funny? Who is undeserving of love, even from puppies? Who's just generally the worst at life? ("Where's my 'All of the above' option?")
Needless to say, the whole "game" aspect is just a flimsy excuse to get these people publicly slicing and dicing each other's frail, frail psyches. After filling out the surveys, everyone gathers and hear the questions again, this time openly guessing whom they think the majority answered for each question. The first guy and girl to get four right answers win the roses and dates.
Wes and Dave manage to take an already immature, high school-esque "burn book" activity and make it even more juvenile by writing witty messages about each other.
Can't argue there.
Everyone agrees that Krisily is the "biggest enemy" in the house because, according to Natalie, "she's straight up just a bitch." Elizabeth gets voted "most shallow," which would have offended her except that she admits she doesn't even know what shallow means.
I'm honestly just surprised that she drew the arrow in the right direction.
The whole survey is very anti-lady. Natalie's "biggest fear" is realized when the guys deem her the "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" type.
Might have something to do with the toplessness last week. Just a thought.
The question "Who has the worst boob job?" comes up, and Kovacs has a Hamlet-esque conundrum on his hands: To write or NOT to write Elizabeth's boobs? He thinks they are great boobs, but knows that others might not
think they are so great.
Problems! They just don't get stupider or more terrible or lower stakes than this.
Anyway, compare those questions to the questions about the guys, like "Who do you have a secret crush on?" OoooOOooOOooh! We are now a trapper keeper and a few tiny desks away from officially being in high school. Dave, of course, guesses that everyone picked him. I mean, who wouldn't
have a crush on a raging egomaniac?
Unfortunately, he's correct--all the ladies love Dave. At which point I stopped feeling bad for all the sad, sad girls with their big hurt feelings. Because they're idiots.
Tenley and Jesse B. win the game, but the real winner is Jesse Kovacs, who discovers his heretofore hidden inner capacity for LOOOOOVE because it hurts him to see Elizabeth so upset about her terrible fake breasts that disgust all the men. "What is this feeling I'm feeling? Is that ... sympathy? Is this my heart? And it's caring about another human's emotional wellbeing and NOT about winning $250,000? It's an odd sensation, not necessarily bad
, but definitely new, so I think I'll try it out for a while," he doesn't say but basically says, just with other words. Elizabeth rewards his genuine kindness with a raunchy hot tub hookup. So that's a wash.Island Lovers
Tenley takes Kiptyn to Catalina Island, where they go on a zipline, allowing Tenley to exercise one of her biggest strengths: High-pitched screaming. The date allows them to "take their relationship to new heights" (GET IT?) and they're a couple now, signed and sealed in the Fantasy Suite. But Kiptyn wants to keep it under wraps so their "power couple" (LOL) status doesn't put targets on their backs.The Hangar-over
Jesse B. chooses Peyton to go on his date. They begin by flying in a propeller plane, and Peyton thinks it's cute that Jesse is "like a little schoolboy" in the plane. Her opinion quickly changes, though, during their romantic dinner in an airplane hangar
(that is in italics because that is ridiculous) when Jesse chugs his martini. Then burps. Then tries to stick his finger up her nose. Then pours vodka in his champagne. Then makes fun of her accent.
"I'm losing the romantic connection and slipping more into the friend zone." Haha, REALLY? Because your face definitely said "the greatest love there ever was":
Peyton says no to the Fantasy Suite (another eight hours of babysitting? NO THANKS), but luckily Jesse gave her the rose early in the date, before she openly displayed her disgust for him. Rose Ceremony
After 30 excruciating minutes of hemming and hawing about who should go home, during which I zoned out and fantasized about watching The Hoff vs. The Situation on Dancing with the Stars
, Dave screws over his new "friend" Krisily
, whom he convinced she was totally safe, and the guys send her home. The women send home Wes
for his "let's break up the couples" campaign. And that's what we call a BACKFIRE.
Question for my Pad peepers:
Do you even care who gets eliminated and who will win the money? I really, really don't. I also don't care who hooks up and I know no one is going to fall in love. So why am I still here? For the idiom butcherings, I guess. Did you catch tonight's gem? It came from Krisily, who said she'd "fight tooth to nail." Next Week:
We're cleaning house. Three girls will get dropped from the Pad to even out the gender numbers.(Images courtesy of ABC)