Don't kid yourself: You may have tuned in to the premiere of Bachelor Pad for the swimwear, but you got hooked on the drama. And with 19 former Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects fighting for money, looking for love and using sex as a weapon, there's plenty of insanity to go around.
Here, we honor the craziest of the crazies in the weekly Bachelor Pad Padded Room-o-meter.
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He's just straight-up going by "Weatherman" now. Even the credits guy is in on it! And he still lacks the self-awareness to understand that none of the women in the house will ever think of him as a viable sexual option, musing about what it could do for his game strategy to "hook up with this girl or that girl." Sorry Weatherman, but the forecast on that front is, shall we say, cold and dry. But that won't keep him from cracking his best (bad) jokes to try to get into the pants of all the lovely unattainable ladies at the Bachelor Pad, who in turn will pat him on the head and call him their non-gay gay BFF behind his back.
She came in to the house bragging about how she'd be ruthlessly going after the money, love be damned ... and within five minutes she was hitching her woman-wagon to the smokin' hot star that is Jesse B. So much for strategy. When they weren't busy giggling and calling each other "perfect" (after knowing each other less than a week), Natalie was using her tongue to search for the engagement ring that Hot Jesse keeps hidden in the back of his throat. OK, so she didn't call it "love" yet ... but it's only a matter of time. I can tell.
4. Jesse Kovacs
His first mistake was to get involved with Elizabeth, who clearly showed her crazy colors during Jake Pavelka's Bachelor
season as the "kiss tease." His second mistake was to confront the crazy girl--who freely admits to everyone that she's "in love with him" and who holds partial control over his fate--and tell her he wants to be a free agent. His reasoning may have been sound, but the mess he started was insanely unwise, because you just can't reason with the unreasonable. 3. Tenley
As all her old pals piled into the Bachelor Pad, Tenley was like a hyperactive puppy on Christmas morning sliding down a rainbow into a bowl full of smiles, jumping and screaming and hugging and screaming some more in the kind of frenzy usually reserved for winning the lottery, or getting engaged, or doing lots and lots of drugs. I had almost forgotten how much energy the peppy, high-pitched Tenley possessed ... and how exhausting it is to watch. Enjoyable and endearing, but exhausting. 2. Elizabeth
Let's take a peek at an excerpt from Elizabeth's Guide to Dating
(a work in progress): "If you're in love with a guy, a good way to get him to love you back is to threaten and blackmail him. Make him understand that if he doesn't love you back, there will be negative consequences on his safety and wellness. If he doesn't naturally develop feelings of love and affection for you after that, then just tell him to fake it. He'll come around eventually, especially with all the berating and crying and guilt-tripping you're doing to him in the meantime. Who wouldn't want to marry you?"
What? IT WORKS. 1. Michelle
Of course, the award for #1 Crazy of the Bachelor Pad
premiere has to go to the mayor of Crazytown, USA, Michelle. Elizabeth gave her a good run, but it was never a fair fight, since Michelle's such a pro lunatic that she doesn't even have to try. The crazy just comes spilling out of her, like poetry in which every line rhymes with her need for medication. Instead of confronting Tenley rationally and maturely about starting the rumor that she and Craig hooked up, Michelle trapped our helpless little Mouseketeer in the bathroom and called her bad names until bubbly Tenley had a big ol' breakdown. After berated the beloved Bachelor Pad
princess of pep, Michelle was a goner--an unfortunate elimination for our viewing enjoyment, but fortunate for everyone else's safety in the house. And it's probably for the best, because, as that sassy little jokester the Weatherman put it, "It's hard to put a rose on a straitjacket."What did you think of the Bachelor Pad premiere? Trashy goodness, or just plain trash? Who's your favorite to take home the cash, and who do you hope will get the boot next week?
(Images courtesy of ABC)