ANTM is America's Next Top Bore
ANTM is America's Next Top Bore
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
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By Susan Young, Film.com

On America's Next Top Model...zzzzzz….

Yeah, you heard us. The zs. The Big Sleep. After investing a lot of time into our once favorite guilty wallow this season, we're at the breaking free point. There's only three episodes left before the Nov. 19 finale, and we can't believe we're still watching. Must be that OCD kicking in.

In the season, all anyone could talk about were the absurd antics of Tyra Banks – you remember the silly mad scientist skit and the drooling Sleeping Beauty/wicked witch/Prince Charming fiasco. Never thought we would miss Tyra's over-the-top attention grabbing, but at least it provided a bit of entertainment.

We've come to expect the expected from Tyra when it comes to kitschy tangents, and we can deal with that. Bring on the cheese, because the full buffet just isn't cutting it. Even the bored to their gourd judges can't whip up any passion. If Miss J can't get riled up, there's no hope for sour noted fashion photog Nigel Barker, who seemed to have given up on this crew a long time ago.

And yes, we know that ratings-wise, the show is doing fine. Well, fine for the Can't Watch network. It's still a bottom feeder, but 4 million plus watch each week, and lately those numbers have looked pretty good to the CW. But the buzz has long since left this swarm.

Last week, ANTM went all Amazing Race on us, with the girls running around Amsterdam on a where-did-they-put-our-house search. Then they did a little cable trash bit with the rub-a-dub-dub, three models in a tub action. But even going into the Red Light District for a fashion shoot couldn't turn up the heat on this show.

The only person giving out some much needed wattage on the show was hootchie momma Sheena, who was bounced for her inability to distinguish the difference between high fashion and soft porn. We'll admit, it's a fine line. But we'd rather watch sassy Sheena than pickle faced Elina, who should have been winging her way back to the states if there was any justice in the world.

Our favorite part of ANTM is sitting in as the judges confer, each ripping the contestants' aspirations to ribbony shreds.

Too pretty. Poses wrong. No expression. Too catalogue. Set 'em up and take those pretty babies down. This season, however, the judges have virtually left the building after deeming this group as a bunch of pound puppies who will never be adopted into the fashion world.

And we've got to agree with them. There's not a single snap, crackle or pop in the entire group. In fact, we're having trouble just remembering their names. Whiny hunchback girl, stubborn lesbian girl, awkward skater girl, fashion challenged blond and the girl formerly known as Brittany – who can remember them as Marjorie, Elina, Analeigh, Sam and McKey?

You can't must enough personality from the entire group to make for one interesting character. Their subservient behavior had one judge asking Marjorie if she even wanted to be there.

"I just don't want to spazz out," Marjorie said.

Oh, spazz Marjorie. Please spazz.

When McKey came out in an interesting tog statement last week, Nigel finally lashed out. Seeing her in a Lady Heather like outfit made him realize there might be more to this gawky mixed martial arts geek than someone who hides behind her hair when she steps up to talk to the panel.

"What I want to know is why we haven't seen this part of you until now," says the testy Nigel, finally seeing a woman warrior in front of him, albeit a kind of kinky one.

"Fashion loves a little bit of freak. Don't make it boring. Don't make it staid."

Our point exactly, Nigel.



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