Tonight on America's Next Top Model: The Alexandria drama rages on (and I do mean "rage," at least where Molly is concerned), and, in a visual metaphor for how this show portrays the fashion industry and young women, the final six will pose in beautiful but completely unrealistic gowns at the garbage dump!

After her panel panic attack ("panel attack"? hey, let's make that a thing!), Brittani says it was the "worst day of her life" and she's now terrified of Tyra's wrath. For good reason, I might add. Tyra was a real straightforward b at panel last week, and most of you were NOT happy about it. In the bus, Brittani apologizes to Alexandria for "exploding" (but not for calling her a terrible person? huh!) and Alexandria agrees to "hug it out" because she's "a forgiver." But her eyes say "That hug was just an excuse for me to touch Brittani in order to assess her bodily weakness, and I'll forgive Brittani when she's good and dead." Alexandria is a lioness who will bite off your head with her razor-sharp ego-talons, never forget it.

And the night's not over: There's a detour, and the girls arrive at a dark and mysterious "art gallery." Like, excessively dark. It looks like a place where they'd host hand puppet shows, or dramatic drug interventions, or dramatic hand-puppet-based drug intervention reality shows. Tyra calls it her "hall of portfolios," which sounds appropriately Purgatory-esque. This is clearly a room in her house reserved exclusively for exhibiting photos of herself, but she's magnanimously allowed the girls to come over so she can put their photos up for one night and advise them on how to put together their own portfolios. Tyra starts with Kasia and explains the order in which to arrange her shots: "You grab them with your face, and end with something that will bore into their heads." Hey, that's my date strategy!

And now for Tyra's "Making It About Me" Moment of the Week! You see, if you're fabulous enough, it doesn't matter how many shots are in your portfolio. Tyra: "I booked 25 shows in Paris off of one, two, THREE photos!" (My connection was super-iffy this week, so please forgive the poor quality of my screencaps.)


After giving her feedback on the girls' books, Tyra holds up the letter C. Yes, the letter c. Wait... for... it...


But the C doesn't stand for that word, it stands for one that sounds VERY SIMILAR: Country. Tyra reveals that the girls have the rest of the letters in their books, and the letters spell out where they'll be going for the international destination.

Wait, like all of a sudden this is a WORD GAME show? Like these girls signed up to play BOGGLE? Tyra, this is crazier than when you brought out sheep to reveal New Zealand. Or dressed up like a kangaroo for Australia. Because at least those weren't a TEST! It looks like it only takes the girls a minute to get their letters out and arrange them into the word MOROCCO, but I have to assume it takes much longer than that.


After the knowledge has registered and all their screaming and jumping has ceased, Tyra drops the bomb: The six models are her donkeys, and Morocco is their carrot on a string. They'll only get to go if they do well on go-sees tomorrow. Tyra's Top Model Jet only has five open seats, and the sixth girl is like a container of liquid that weighs more than three ounces: She ain't makin' it on to that plane!

The Go-See Challenge:
A representative from IMG visits the girls the next day and lays out the go-see rules: They have four hours to get to four castings, and need to meet him at the fifth location by 3pm, where they'll have another V.I.P. go-see with Lana Marks, handbag designer to the rich and famous. The go-sees are each about embodying a different fashion "archetype," so they need to pack four outfits or some such nonsense, who even knows. It's clear that he explains these overly complicated rules so quickly so that even those of us whose jobs require "literacy" and "critical thinking" wouldn't understand. Oh, they also have smart cars so they will look as douchey as possible, male drivers whose mouths have been sewn shut to prevent them from helping the women navigate (because you know us women, ALWAYS getting lost and not being able to drive, LOL!) and road maps manufactured in 1982.


Now that the rules are laid out, it's time to play... Go! To! That! Go-See!

Sweet lil' Jaclyn is worried about her ability to navigate in Los Angeles: "The only other map I've read is in world geography. And lord help me because I always got in trouble for talking in that class." It's too bad Chatty Cathy over here gabbed through the class, since knowing all the countries in Africa would totally help her find her way around sprawling L.A. Alexandria is confident, because she's the only model who's from 'round these parts, so she gets to the first go-see no sweat while the rest of the girls get busy gettin' lost.

Molly shows up last to the first location, and is "pissed off" that she has to wait for the rest of the girls to finish. She leaves and goes to the next one, because time is of the essence! (The essence of bitchiness.) The rest of the girls "book" the job (in quotation marks because it's important to remember all of this is hypothetical and inconsequential) with the jean shop, especially Alexandria, whose "ass kissing" skills impress the designer. Really! She said so!

Molly grows increasingly road-rageous, and hates her driver: "Can I please drive? You are not aggressive enough," she says. But Molly! You're aggressive enough for the both of you! Shockingly, after her rage-storm, Molly does not book the commercial for a "girl next door" type because she doesn't come across as "friendly" enough, while Alexandria once again wows the casting director with her charm and friendliness. (Well, would you look at the calendar? It's Opposite Day already! And me without my shoe-hat or butt-goggles!)

You'd think Jaclyn would kill at a "girl next door" shoot, but the casting director is prejudice against Southerners, and Jaclyn is incapable of faking an unaffected accent. If this was a real audition, she'd get the ol' "Uhhh... we'll let you know."

When she leaves, Jaclyn has yet another disagreement with her map, which doesn't seem to understand that back home, the local landmarks tell you how to get around: "There's a Wal-Mart, there's a Bush's Chicken, but nothing big. I don't need a map!" Where we're going, we don't need maps.

Meanwhile, Kasia and Brittani both book their second go-sees at a high fashion gown designer. Across town, Molly shows up to the athletic go-see and, even though she forgot to bring athletic gear, she books the shoot in her nude booty shorts and rolled up tank top. The designer's arm gets tired from patting himself on the back so much for "giving her a shot," while his brain is exhausted by pretending like he had a choice. All in a day's "work"!

Alexandria shows up next to the athletic shoot, and she too forgot to pack workout gear, but she changes into a swimsuit outside, in the broad daylight, outside of the car and in sight of her driver. But, as she says, "I was wearing a thong, so it's not like I was embarrassing myself." Quote of the night? I think so! She books that one, too. Flashing the driver was totally worth it!

The rest of the non-native models play it safe and skip the rest of their go-sees, and so they roll into the fifth location in plenty of time. It looks like ambitious Alexandria won't make it in time, but with seconds to spare, she rolls in. The IMG guy congratulates the girls on a job mediocre-ly done, and declares three winners, who get to go on their fifth, all important go-see: Molly, Alexandria and Kasia. Suck it, brunettes! The rest of the girls are sent away to think about what's wrong with their brains and bodies: Hannah's runway walk needs work, while Jaclyn and Brittani only made it to two go-sees, which "doesn't cut it."

Lana Marks, who comes off as a real gnarled, frigid beech tree, shows up and rattles on about whatever the prize for this final go-see is. It includes a bunch of free crap and being featured in her new campaign, which will be "featured in over one hundred countries." (Whatever THAT means.) Lana then asks each girl to stand up and pose with her handbags (pro-tip: she LOVES when you pose like no human being would ever pose while holding a real handbag!), and then interviews them with Miss America questions like "Why would you like to win this campaign?" Alexandria uses the age-old "What would it mean to me? What WOULDN'T it mean to me?" tactic, since they barely even know what they're go-seeing about.


Kasia is the only one who answers these questions coherently, but Alexandria wins anyway, because Lana says she's a "natural, beautiful girl, and she's magnificent." She liked Molly's poses the most, but reveals that Molly shot herself in the foot by making involuntary "f*ck you" faces while Alexandria was talking. She can't help that she hates Alexandria so much and that her face is incapable of hiding it! But Lana the cold-hearted Hogwarts head mistress dislikes a slouchy pouter, so Alexandria will just have to do.

Back at Model Mansion: Alexandria shows off all her swag, which causes further flare-ups for Molly's anger-lava, which spills forth in curse-laden superlatives until she says that if she doesn't win something soon, she'll "punch a hole in something." Healthy! Meanwhile, Brittani continues to wallow in a drowning-depth pool of her own self-pity. Her thick, black bangs look more and more like a funeral shroud every minute. Brittani. Girl. It's just modeling, and it's just a TV show. It's not that serious. Tomorrow you're posing at the DUMP. See? This is SILLY. So snap out of it.

Photo Shoot: Eco-Friendly Couture at the Dump
The girls arrive at the local landfill, and Jay and Nigel tell them they'll be posing in magnificent "eco" (or as Jay says, "echo") friendly couture here. The girls are like, "HERE? You mean you brought us here so we can pose HERE, at the dump, and not at a mansion up the road?" They're completely shocked, but Kasia is excited, because she thinks the shoot will make people "think twice before throwing out so much garbage." If a Top Model shoot ever makes you think twice about anything, you should think twice about thinking ever.

As far as styling, the girls' gowns are very Malificent in Sleeping Beauty, the hair is like evil Diana Ross, and the makeup is like Fifth Element meets "contracting pink eye." Combine all that with piles of garbage and flocks of seagulls, and you've got one wicked(-ly insane) photo shoot.


During the shoot: Kasia poses on a bulldozer, and Nigel worries about her "range" of facial expressions. If I were Kasia, I'd use the joke I ALWAYS use when people remark on my limited range of facial expressions (from "ugh" to "woof") and say, "That's just my face." Gets 'em every time! Jaclyn puts her sweetness aside and channels her inner dark goddess. Sort of. Hannah learns how to not second-guess herself and really "finds it" toward the end of the shoot.

Alexandria is having a killer week, and Jay loves her "broken" poses. She says an amazing yet completely accurate thing: "I felt like a queen on top of ... a bunch of garbage." Yup, that about sums it up!

Molly is still the conductor of the complain-train, this time about the garbage, but mostly about the flying rats:

"This is nasty. It's my worst nightmare. Does anyone have a BB gun? A shotgun? I hate you, birds!" She and Tracy Jordan should hang out and talk to birds together: "Stop eating people's old french fries, pigeon! Have some self-respect! Don't you know you can fly?"

Knowing it's do-or-get-died, Brittani really goes for it, which means laying down and rolls around IN the garbage. "That looks really hot," says Jay, because he's very sexually attracted to hobos. (#NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement)

Back at Model Mansion: The night before judging, Molly's blurry-ass mouth is extremely confident: "Unless they've gone mental, I'm going to Morocco. And if they do, I will f***ing freak out." Yep, you know what that means. We're puttin' her on ELIMINATION WATCH.

Judging and Elimination:
See the final photos here

Tonight's guest judge is that waxen British cyborg, Lana Marks. "She's known for making some of the world's most ... expensive ... handbags" says Tyra, like that's a compliment. I mean, I guess it is, because they wouldn't cost so much if they were terrible. (OR WOULD THEY?) But lots of things cost too much without being beautiful. Like the Nissan Cube. Or gastric bypass surgery! Anyway, judging commences:

Alexandria: Tyra tells her that she booked every single one of her go-sees because she was "prepared, outgoing and friendly." So suck on THAT, the other five girls who hate her for being the opposite of those things! Then judges look at Alexandria's shot, in which she's standing on a ladder at about nine feet, and they love it. It looks like a double-page spread in Italian Vogue to Tyra. Alexandria's having the Best Week Ever (TM)!

Jaclyn: She cautiously approaches the bench and explains that she had some difficulty in getting around Los Angeles, but at least she booked both the go-sees she went to. Lana Marks tells Jacyn "you cannot miss a go-see, this is an extraordinary opportunity" like Jaclyn didn't know that. Lana Marks is useless and I do not like her, if you couldn't tell. The judges look at Jaclyn's shot and their response is ... middling. Time to put Jaclyn on elimination watch!

Molly: She booked a few go-sees, but came across as "cold and not present." Uh oh!  Molly is surprised to learn that the designer can still see her when she's not modeling, and she is "always being watched," so she should try not to make so many pissy faces next time. Tyra: "It's about faking it, even when you feel like crap." As for her garbage shot, it's the opposite of garbage. Nigel calls it "gorg," and Andre thinks it's extraordinary. But he warns her that she needs to learn "focus and discipline" (how to be peppy and insincere around fashion people). Alexandria pulls her own "bitch, please" face when she learns that Molly was Lana's ACTUAL first choice.

Kasia: She did well in go-sees, but seemed "rehearsed and forced" to some of the designers. Tyra isn't totally impressed with her photo and thinks Kasia needs to work on her face some more. Tyra explains that where nature did not bless you, you fake it: "I don't have calves. I stuff my boots with legwarmers." (Like drag queens do with their asses.) So Kasia should stuff legwarmers in her face? Modeling is hard.

Hannah: She booked two out of three jobs, but came across "green" and her walk needs work. In her photo, Hannah is "wearing the dress" instead of the dress wearing her, even though she seemed insecure during the shot. Tyra thinks Hannah needs to "catch up to herself."

Brittani: She apologizes to the judges for her behavior last week, and Tyra accepts her apology, even WITHOUT a sacrificial virgin or goat. But then Brittani says she only got to two go-sees. Even though she booked both of them, this does not please the judges. But, luckily for Brittani, her garbage photo is "high fashion" and "editorial," though Tyra says she needs to work on not "getting stiff." (Heh.) Brittani seems safe ... for now.

During deliberation, the judges focus most on Molly's attitude issue. Nigel thinks she comes off as petulant because doesn't seem to care about fashion, but Lana thinks it's because she's insecure. Maybe it's both! Or maybe she's just an angry person! What is this, therapy? Just pick a pretty picture and get us outta here.

Tyra calls out the best photo of the week: Alexandria. No, I don't care how you feel about her personally, you can't boo the girl! Don't! She aced the week and she deserves this. If you need to feel better about it, just remember: There's usually a big, messy fall after such a meteoric rise.

And the rest go to:
Hannah
Kasia
Brittani

Bottom Two: Jaclyn and Molly

Molly looks miserable, like she knows it's going to be her going home. Tyra shames Jaclyn for only getting to two go-sees, while she reminds Molly that it's what's INSIDE (her personality) that's not up to par.  But lucky for Molly, it's not about what's inside that counts here: Molly stays, thanks to the strength of her "body of work." Tyra tells Molly to do some soul-searching and find her positivity. And it's the girl with a naturally sweet soul and personality, Jaclyn, who gets dumped. Go figure.

Ever full of sunshine and light, Jaclyn says this is just the beginning for her, and starts her job search now: "If anyone's lookin' out for a tall brunette with a loud, squeaky fun voice, that's your girl right here!"

I am heartbroken that she's gone, but am SO excited to get to talk to Jaclyn tomorrow. Have a question for her? Throw it out down there in the comments!

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Next Week: Top Model moves to 9pm, and, wait a second ... it's "Top Model: Exposed"? WITH FIVE GIRLS LEFT? The preview says we'll see never-before-seen footage of the girls "napping and rapping." (And crapping!) So yes, that's a euphemism for "clip show." I just never expected them to air it before the international destination. Why would they do that? What does it MEAN? This is nuts!