Last week on Top Model:
Alexandria scared Jaclyn with her aggressive, Ondrei voluntarily left after a crazy bee photo shoot, and Nicole was eliminated for "photographing old." This week:
MAKEOVERRRRRRRRRS!!! OMG you guys, it's finally here. Makeover Day, when Tyra teaches the girls that, in order to be their best selves, they need to get rid of their real hair and teeth and eyebrows. The day after International Women's Day! Isn't it perfect
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When they come home from last week's elimination, the girls find an Alice in Wonderland
-esque challenge waiting for them, and start screaming like Beliebers before they even know what it is. WHAT IF IT'S TYRA'S NEXT PRANK???
Having learned nothing from their last two weeks of torture, they pull the chord, and ... I'm disappointed. Instead of a box of vampire bats or a bunch of paint falling from the ceiling, it reveals a poster covered in makeover adjectives, including "manly" and "short Dutch boy." NOBODY wants to be "short Dutch boy," especially Monique
Nope, you're not the Dutch Boy. But you are establishing yourself as the bitch girl. Molly
is still frustrated over being in the bottom three in the last panel. Her competitive edge is coming out--maybe too strong. If she's already beating herself up this hard in week 3, by week 6 she'll be a full-on mess. Be careful, Molly, Tyra has a way of bringing out the crazy in us all.MAKEOVERS:
The girls meet the Jays at the salon, where they meet their MAY-juh makeoverist, Laurent D., and their photographer, Troy Jensen, whose first ever "celebrity" photo shoot was with Tyra, of course. As some sort of cautionary tale, Miss J shows up looking like this:
Don't complain, or we'll do this to YOU.
Let that be a lesson to us all, girls getting makeovers and girls who like the rush of putting their heads underneath lawnmowers. Now, the transformations begin:
Brittani: Short Dutch boy.
She's a trailer park kid, and she's excited to look more high fashion. I give it an A for edgy:
Jaclyn: Big, girly and curly.
Miss J scares her with the threat of a razor. Not literally, thankfully. Now she feels sexier! I don't see much of a change, but that's OK, because she was precious to begin with. I give it a B for boring but still beautiful:Monique: Gentle waves.
She was hoping they wouldn't chop it off, and they didn't. "I always get what I want, usually," says Monique. "Shut up for the rest of your life, always," I say under my breath. I give it a C for cute hair but you are on thin ice, missy:Sara: Manly short brown spikes.
She really wanted a weave because she's tired of being thought only as androgynous, but now that she's got this edgy short hair, she's ready to work it. Or so she says. I give it an A for actual improvement, though the bar was quite low seeing that she used to HAVE A RAT TAIL:Alexandria: Longer, straighter, blonder.
She gets the honor of being the first to cry, but hr She complains to the stylist that she "knows" what the extensions should look like, and they don't look right to her. The other girls are annoyed that she thinks she knows everything, especially sweet little Jaclyn, whose version of smack talk is, "It was totally ... unacceptable!" Alexandria thinks getting a Top Model
weave is like ordering at BK: "I need it done my way." I give it a B for biiiiiiiiiiitch I hate to admit it but you look great:Dominique: Kinky, red and wild.
The second to cry, Dominique then comes around and says that the red hair brings a "more unique me." I give it a C for Chucky vibes:Molly: "What if Diana Ross was a blonde?"
The answer: She'd look like a freakish mermaid with a scalp condition. Jay makes a big fuss about how they brought in a special stylist to cover Molly's head in a sea of synthetic blonde curls, but, to everyone's embarrassment and Molly's fury, it ends up a big fat mess. Jay asks Molly to treat Tyra's "vision" with respect, and she does her best to work it in the photo, but she is NOT PLEASED. Nor should she be. She looks like a cartoon who got electrocuted. I give it a D for doesn't look good in person but DAMN it's fierce in a photo:
Mikaela: "Think Pocahontas."
But Mikaela says her long locks make her feel like the Little Mermaid. Which Disney princess IS IT, Tyra? WHICH ONE??? I give it an A for amazing: Kasia: Big, blonde crimped craziness.
"Bigger is better, right?" says Kasia. Across the room, Molly sends her eye-daggers. (Probably.) I give it an A for awesome:Dalya: Long, black and straight.
Kinda like Dalya, who also says she was raised straight-edge, by parents who told her not to adorn her body with too many frills. I bet they're THRILLED to see her on this show. I give it a B for beautiful but expected:Hannah: Dirty blonde waves.
She feels sexier. She's still got a baby-face though, so I'm not sure how to feel. "Sexy baby" is not a concept I am comfortable with, but Hannah looks great! I give it an A for all the "classier Denise Richards" vibes:Makeover Fallout:Molly
is furious after makeovers, and the other girls hope that her afro will lead to her implosion. Meanwhile, Sara
is in a meta tailspin, worrying that her manly look means she is ugly, and she's intimidated by the sexier girls in the house. "I feel like dirty Smeagol in the corner, trying not to be jealous." TYRA-MAIL! "Tomorrow you will learn all about photosynthesis." Mikaela
stresses out over how she can "never guess" what the Tyra-Mail means. That's your first mistake, Mikaela. Don't even bother. That's how girls end up on TV saying stupid things like "I bet we're going to be bugs!"
The photographer: Pamela Hanson. The stylist: Lori Goldstein. The shoot: Couture garden party. The twist: They're posing in groups, so it's all about standing out (and shoving your competition to the side).
During styling, Lori says, "A little John Galliano never hurt anybody," which, you know, uhhhhhhhhhh
. Bad job at good irony, Top Model
editors. The final photos, for your perusal:
Kasia and Molly's photo shoot:
They start out awkwardly and can't figure out how to work together, but eventually they find a groove, and Molly has finally overcome her makeover "ordeal," Jay says. She stands out, and not in a scary way, because thankfully her scalp is covered by a top hat.
Back in styling, Alexandria
starts whining and crying about how her head is sore from her extensions, and then about how her lip is "swelling" (with a pimple). She's a "diva," which is just a nice word for "bitch" when you're not Beyonce. Dominique
's spot-on impression of Alexandria: "Waaaah!"
Alexandria and Monique's photo shoot:
Alexandria starts out being the cranky one ("My head is sore! My lip is swelling! My brain is broken!"), but Monique is the pouty one during the shoot. She doesn't appreciate that Jay, whose job it is to critique her, keeps critiquing her. "I know what I'm doing!" Uh, no you don't, unless "what you're doing" is complaining, because yes, you're good at that. In the shoot, Alexandria turns on the charm and purposefully stands in front of Monique.Sara and Mikaela's photo shoot:
They're so awkward and stiff that the photographer actually calls them a couple of robots. Eventually toward the end of the shoot they finally figure it out, but doesn't look like anything special. Too bad, because Mikaela has my favorite look so far this season. Her bone structure is amazing.Brittani and Hannah's photo shoot:
Brittani has a hard time authentically giggling because it's NOT REAL. Later, she cries about how giggling made her want to cry because her giggling wasn't real. That seems very real.Dalya, Dominique and Jaclyn's photo shoot:
Dalya and Jaclyn are making magic, but Dominique is stuck over in the corner like the (sorry) redheaded stepchild, or ugly stepsister, or some sort of step-something. Jay asks why she looks so distant, where her motivation is, and she says, "Honestly, I don't have no thoughts." Uhhhhhhh. Point taken. Later, she cries and says, "I don't know. I'm inspired by a LOT of stuff!"
The night before panel, Molly
is still worried about her weave, and Alexandria
is still scaring everyone with her horribly off-putting and aggressive personality. Jaclyn
: "I don't want to be a mean rude person, but there comes a point where you start to cross the line." I'm actually worried that at some point Alexandria will dislocate her jaw and swallow sweet Jaclyn whole. Alexandria says she's glad the other girls are "intimidated" by her, because she's a "strong" person. Again, "strong" is meant in the euphemistic sense for "bitch." We're learning so many new meanings for words tonight!JUDGING PANEL AND ELIMINATION
Every week, Tyra's descriptions for Andre get grander (He's the MOST INFLUENTIAL person in the HISTORY of the fashion UNIVERSE!), and his broomstick hats and detective suits get crazier! I love both of these developments and pray they continue. Tyra on group photo shoots:
"I never said no to a double. I just say, 'Back up, bitch!'"
Monique and Alexandria's shot:
Nigel loves Monique's "twinkle" and personality, but he says Alexandria steals the shot. Lori calls out Alexandria for being "cranky" on set, and Nigel gets all adorably British and says he is displeased that Alexandria was "bothersome" to the photographers. Brittani and Hannah's shot:
Tyra loves Brittani's makeover (that she came up with! so really we should be complimenting HER), and says Brittani is a "dream!" in this shot. Nigel says this is Hannah's first "high fashion" shot, and she's coming alive.Dalya, Jaclyn and Dominique's shot:
Nigel loves Dalya and Jaclyn in this shot, how feminine and ethereal they are. Dominique, though, looks ... "unusual." Which is a nice way of saying her head looks EFFING NUTS:
It looks distorted and disproportionate, right? RIGHT?
Mikaela and Sara's shot:
Mikaela looks beautiful, but dead. Tyra tries to give advice, but it goes off the rails a bit: "Smack that photographer upside his head through that camera with your eyes." (Umm. OK? Just nod. Just nod.
) Sara looks caught in the headlights, and the judges are not pleased. Lori worries that Mikaela doesn't have "control over her beauty," and Nigel says Sara is capable of better.Molly and Kasia's shot:
Molly's system is rejecting her weave, and it's slowly molting off her scalp. Tyra promises to fix this situation... eventually. Thankfully, they both look amazing in the shot, say the judges. It's their favorite of the week. Very couture. "Molly, you're a bad rascal who's jealous of your sister who's the favorite," says Tyra. In a good way. Andre says both Kasia and Molly have taken the judges to "Swandom," which is not a real place, but it is a real compliment, coming from Andre.
The best photo of the week goes to:
Uhhhhhh. I disagree. Alexandria looked great, but her attitude sucked, and Molly looked better. At least Tyra warns Alexandria that a bad attitude on set "won't be tolerated." (Except this week. When it is rewarded with best photo of the week.)
And the rest:Molly, "bad weave and all."
MikaelaBottom Two: Sara and Dominique
Tyra says the judges aren't sure Sara believes in herself, whereas Dominique is sitting on her unique freckles.Eliminated: Dominique
Aww, LAME. She was one of the only "characters" in this season of (beautiful) ho-hummers and wallflowers. Now we'll just have to rely on Alexandria to bring the crazy.Next Week: They're LIGHTING THE GIRLS ON FIRE!!!
Haha, OK, obviously not really, but there will be a runway show involving fire. Also, and more importantly, my ANTM
boyfriend, Francesco Carrozzini, is returning! Yaaaaaay! He'll be shooting something involving coffee, and he'll be yelling at the girls a lot, and he'll be oh so beautiful throughout. Excellent
. Your turn:
Did Dominique deserve the boot? Whose makeovers do you love? Whose do you hate? Who's your favorite right now?
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. (Images courtesy of the CW)