Tonight on America's Next Top Model: The final four girls, Alexandria, Hannah, Brittani and Molly, continue their Moroccan adventure with Tyra with a tray-balancing walking challenge and a photo shoot in an outdoor market.

And speaking of crazy divas who are now in control of young, impressionable lives, did you guys see that Mariah Carey named one of her new twins Moroccan, after the theme of the room where Nick Cannon proposed? WHAT. (Good thing he didn't propose in a casino or a Blockbuster or something.) And the other one is named Monroe, after Marilyn Monroe. Again, WHAT. OK, celebrities, it's time to chill out with the insane baby names. Like Mariah Carey's kids weren't going to grow up with enough reasons to seek therapy. Anyway, my point is: I really hope there's truth to the rumor that Tyra is trying to get pregnant, because I can only imagine what she would name her child.

Back to business: After last week's panel, Molly is stoked for her best photo, and "definitely" feels like she'll get to the final two. Hearing those ominous words makes me worry she might not. Meanwhile, Alexandria is disappointed in herself for being in the bottom two again, and for having an attitude issue, AGAIN. Hannah does her little "this is your niche" speech, and Alexandria's "I want to change the world one day" still makes me laugh.

Tea Time with Franca


The girls follow Miss J to meet Franca Sozzani, the editor in chief of Vogue Italia. Miss J says they're just meeting for tea, but it's really an interview, since we all know Franca is calling the shots (or at least having a big fat say) in who wins a spread in her magazine. Franca looks through their books and the girls try to impress her. Hannah is sweet and soft but well-spoken. Brittani asks a lot of questions, and Hannah thinks Franca is looking at her a lot. Alexandria tells Franca, "I love the internet." Molly doesn't seem to say much at all. Whether any of this had any impact on Franca whatsoever is anyone's guess. "I want the girl who loves the internet!" is probably what Franca told Miss J immediately after.

Challenge: Tea Tray Dancing

Miss J introduces the girls to a woman named Noor, who is a "professional tea tray dancer." The girls are just as surprised as I am that that is a thing as which you can be a professional. Alexandria clearly wants to say something about the dancing, but is working on her diplomacy skills: "It was ... very cultural."

When done well, it's AWESOME. Like this:


But when our girls do it, they look like this:

The girls learn how to balance the tray, or in Brittani's case, how to say "Sorry!" every 15 seconds when the tray falls off her head and the candles crash all over the ground. Alexandria can't help herself and, tray on head, starts grinding and saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." I was hoping she'd rap again, but Miss J shuts her up and reminds them to keep it classy.

Again it's like they've never seen this show before: The girls are shocked, SHOCKED I say, when Miss J reveals they'll be performing their new dance in front of a live audience that night. He plays off this challenge as a test of posture and dexterity, but we all know the truth: It's a test of who will flip out when she inevitably embarrasses herself.

The girls get into their sexy tray balancing outfits and go to the venue where they learn they'll also be dancing with a group of professional tea tray dancers, and they'll be walking with lit candles on their trays. So not only will they look extra terrible by comparison to the other girls, but the girls who suck most will be punished with accidental self-burns. Ahh, this takes me back to the beginning of the season, when bubble-walking and bee photo shoots were the norm. America's Next Top Fear Factor returns!

Molly is the first girl to walk down the stairwell with the tray on her head. In her neon pink outfit and with not a clue on her face, she looks like Cultural Appropriation Barbie. Not even all the way down the stairs, she trips on her skirt and starts swearing up a storm. Classic Molly. Miss J told them to pick up the candles when they dropped, but Molly is like "eff that noise" and just keeps going. She looks pissed off through the rest of her dance, and yells "NO, it's NOT f*cking OK!" when Brittani tries to comfort her after. What a firecracker. Gawd, I love her so.

All of a sudden Brittani is like the Bobby Fischer of balancing stuff on your head, and she doesn't drop the tray once. She even does the moves and looks like she's having fun. Maybe she was just pretending to suck earlier, to throw the other girls off her scent! It's these street smart tactics that give our trailer park girl an edge on the competition.

Hannah doesn't drop anything either, but she has a hard time with the hip movements and ends up looking like she's at a luau. She looks great in a cat-eye though, so ... there's that!

Before her performance Alexandria is confident: "Please, I was made to do this." Made to balance a tray on your head? Do you hate yourself or something? But actually, according to Molly, that may be true. When Alexandria gets up there and confidently grooves her way around the room, Molly sees the audience eating it up and grumbles, "Her head is flat on the top. That's unfair." Ha! At that point, Alexandria gets too confident and her tray crashes to the floor. But at least she was really memorable, she tells herself.

Miss J announces the challenge winner: Brittani. For her prize, she gets to work with Miss J on her runway walk (Hey, remember when Erin in cycle 13 got all pissed off when her prize for a challenge was a helicopter tour of Hawaii? LOL! Yeah, they got worse), and she picks Hannah to go with her, because Hannah needs the most help. That might sound mean if it weren't true.

At Miss J's outdoor runway teach, Miss J's face says Hannah sucks at walking. She's a bit of a Zoolander when it comes to turning. But she leaves the teach feeling more confident, and starving. Time for dinner! How about some...


The girls sit down to eat in the market and freak out about all the goat brains and heads sitting on the table. Hannah is all about it, though."Let's eat brains!" she screams, and the girls eat tear off a chunk of brain. I never thought I would hear those words on America's Next Top Model. At least, I never thought I'd hear them coming out of someone other than Tyra's mouth as she finally unzipped her human suit and unleashed her massive army of zombie models upon us. It could still happen, though. You never know with Tyra(nt)!

"The texture of a brain is just squishy, gooey and disgusting." - Brittani. Now we know! I'll still probably try it for myself later, though. Just to be sure. (Dooon't worry. It won't be a human brain! Unless I get desperate.)

That night, Brittani feels sick from eating the goat brain. WEIRD. The goat brain makes her brain do this:


Hannah just wants to go back to the market and shop, shop, shop! I feel kindred with her, because that's totally what I would want to do the entire time I was in Morocco. SCARVES. Give me SCARVES. MORE and MORE and MORE SCARVES!

Photo Shoot: Marketplace Models

The morning of the shoot, Hannah is still jonesing for more Moroccan shopping (love ya, gurl), and Brittani is still feeling ill. I have no evidence to support this, but the bit of goat brain has probably grown and changed and morphed (with science and/or magic), and a baby goat is now growing in her stomach. That explains it!

Mister Jay greets the girls and tells them they're in the Medina, the largest outdoor market in Morocco. The concept of today's shoot is that they are "continuing the story of the caravan" from last week. So basically they rode their camels into Marrakech, and now they're in different clothes and weirder hair and makeup, hanging out in the market. Cool and complex story, very intriguing, can I order 5,000 copies? (The "...NOT!" here is implied, right?)


Hannah's Shoot: Jay thinks Hannah seems to be lost at first. She's imagining she's looking at her lover, but I thinks her lover might be a donut, because she's looking "very glazed" and her hair is looking very "cinnamon bun." The photographer, Friedmann Haus, thinks she's "too posey" and Jay says it looks like she has a "question mark on her face." The criticism gets to Hannah, and she thinks she's going home now. Her hair is making me hungry.


Molly's Shoot: Friedmann likes Molly and thinks she's a good editorial girl. A huge crowd gathers to see what the big fuss is all about as she poses on a wagon, but it doesn't bother Molly. Practically EVERYTHING bothers Molly, but not this attention. She was truly made to be a model.


Alexandria's Shoot: Jay approaches Alexandria and sweetly (comma, back-handedly) tells her not to be "Miss Controlling" today. This pisses Alexandria right off, but she attempts a sweet smile and says she will just "do what's in her heart" during the photo shoot. But her face is too pursed during the shoot, and the photographer tries to tell her to relax, but instead she "loses the fun" she worked so hard to achieve (in her mind). Her strategy to convey the story of a cross-dressing princess did not play out the way she planned, but Alexandria seems like she's been doing a lot of meditating or Secret-ing or something lately, because she's eerily serene after the shoot goes poorly, saying she gave it her all in her heart. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH OUR DRAMA?


Brittani's Shoot: She's still feeling ill, but she promises Jay she's saving up her energy for the camera. It starts to rain, but Jay is impressed with the way Brittani manages, and she gives him lots of great movements and angles. "I really believed that she reached this destination." Friedmann thinks Brittani "has a natural elegance" and she inspired him today. What a champ.