Just to make up for last week's clip show, Tyra's given us a double dose of awesome this week: First, the AMAZING news that the next season of Top Model will be ALL STARS. I'm so excited it's probably unhealthy. Second, tonight's episode, which takes the final five girls to Morocco!

What exotic adventures and model-minded mishaps will occur in this beautiful foreign land? How many different animals and insane Miss J headdresses will we get to see? To the recap!

As they board the plane and fly abroad, Brittani puts it all in perspective for us: "WHAT? I came from a trailer park in Pennsylvania." Exactly! Top Model makes [travel] dreams come true.

Awesome camel overlay I caught here. Or maybe it's a ghost camel?


We're down to five girls, so they're starting to get really competitive and sizing each other up. Literally. Brittani thinks she has an edge on Kasia, because Kasia is the plus-size model. But Kasia thinks, even though the other girls don't give her credit, she's earned her spot and shown she has the experience to go all the way.

Alexandria, meanwhile, has animorphed from her previous lioness form: "I'm like a chameleon. OK? I have a gecko at home. He doesn't change colors, but I do." Does she even hear this stuff in her head before she says it?

Molly, aka Blurry Mouth, learned her lesson from being in the bottom two last week: "Apparently I look like I want to kill everyone." She thinks it's "bullsh*t" that she has to act happy and friendly all the time. Like, ALL the time. That is too much time to be happy! She says she was adopted, and that gave her a lot of anger growing up. Anger that now manifests itself in her calling everything "bullsh*t." I love Molly. I think we would get along. I worry about what that says about me.

The girls arrive in Marrakech and walk around the town square, where they encounter men with cobras, more men with cobras, and men with instruments and cobras. Brittani draws her first cross-cultural comparison: "Where I come from, you see a snake, you kill it, skin it, you eat it. And at the bar where I work, we mount the skin on the wall." The world is truly a diverse and magical place.

Miss J is wearing his most exotic eyeliner and fakest accent as he and Mister Jay welcome the girls to Morocco and tell them they are about to embark on a fancy lunch and "fashion tour" of Marrakech. "Use the buddy system and try not to be offensive," neither of them says, as they probably should. Then they put monkeys on the girls' heads just to mess with them.


Alexandria begs the monkey not to give her scarf hepotitis or monkey AIDs or something. That would really take this season down a dark path:


My Tea Time with Andre:
After stuffing their tiny faces with delicious food that makes me PHYSICALLY SHAKE with jealousy, the girls get to at a local Marrakechi fashion designer's showroom, and Andre Leon Talley is there waiting for them in his most fabulous black and yellow poncho. Now is their first Moroccan challenge: Walk in these amazingly intricate high-fashion looks for Andre, and try not to f*** it up.

Brittani: Her dress looks like a couture cornucopia, and her walk is just as bold, much like her hair.

Kasia: Uh-oh. Poor girl. Our "fiercely real" contestant can't find a fiercely real dress to fit her. Finally, after she tries on half the store, they find a skirt that works. She's the only one who brought heels with her, and so her experience pays off double: She is also able to mask her disappointment about the saga of the too-small dresses, and walks well. Girl is a pro!

Molly: Her yellow dress is too long, and it makes her walk slow and awkward. She can't really move unless she holds the dress. Still, Andre clearly has a soft spot for Molly, so he's not too critical about it.

Hannah: Andre likes the control she shows in her short poncho, which looks like it's made out of tree bark. I mean that in a good way. These clothes are fantastic! Their complete lack of functionality is part of their art and charm.

Alexandria: Andre is horrified to see her wearing white SOCKS with her black kooshball dress, but her walk goes well. Weirdly, he does not say the d-word ("dreckitude") about the socks. Are you feeling OK, Andre?

In the end, there's no prize for this challenge, except the elusive approval of Andre Leon Talley, who says while Kasia was the only one smart enough to bring heels, Brittani's walk is the closest to high fashion. Brittani is pleased.

After their walking tour, Andre has his once-a-cycle mental check-in with the finalists, and Alexandria is still laying it on with her sugary sweet "fakeness," which irritates Molly the most because she's the least capable of replicating it. Andre reveals that their rooftop tea time spot is actually the roof of their "new home," which is decorated traditionally:


Haha, just kiddingggggg. Tyra has GENEROUSLY put up pictures of herself throughout the entire house. But other than that, the place is gorgeous. There's even a pool! Tyra probably called and asked if they could retile the bottom of the pool with a mosaic of her face, but there just wasn't enough time. Maybe next season!

All the other girls are thrilled with the fancy Moroccan digs, but Molly is pissed off (and constantly blurry-mouthed) about having to share a triple bed with Kasia and Brittani. Which, you know, yeah, that's sort of weird, but get over it. Someone is going home in two days anyway, and then you'll have all the space you'll need! The other girls are sick of Molly's bitchin' and hope it sends her home this week.

Photo Shoot: CAMELS!
The girls arrive in the desert, which smells like animals and hay, or as Brittani says, "like home sweet home." I love that the closer we get to the finale, the more trailer park references we hear out of Brittani. Could they be trying to stack up her "rags to riches" storyline?

Jay greets the girls from atop a camel, and warns them that they'll have to "model through the mishaps" with their "grumpy mama" camel today. I hope someone gets spit on! Today's photographer is Michael Woolley, whose British accent and English explorer outfit feels very "Dr. Livingstone, I presume." Or maybe more like "Dr. Livingstone, I pretend that post-colonialism never happened."


Brittani: She starts off a bit tense and "clamped" to the camel, but once she loosens up, her contortions are bold and elegant. She stands and leans on top of the camel, and it looks amazing from where we are. "Brittani has got her mojo back," says Jay. 

Molly: Still in a bad mood, you might think Molly and the camel would bond over their crankiness... and you'd be right! "Molly nailed the shoot," says Jay. "Most importantly, she brought tension to the shot." Brittani says Molly's shoot "fell accidentally into place." It looks like Brittani's claws piggybacked on her mojo, because they are back, too.


Kasia: Things start out too "posey" for Kasia, and she looks like she's about to fall off for a bit. Michael: "I felt out of control with Kasia, and frankly it was painful shooting her." Kasia gets off the camel and starts crying because she feels "self-conscious about her body," which, you know what THAT means: We're putting her on Elimination Watch.


Alexandria: She loves animals, remember? (Almost like she can speak to them? In parseltongue?) Alexandria tells Michael she wants to "hit this out of the park," and he's like "Huh? Cricket? Rugby? Lorries?" Chill out, Michael. I'm pretty sure you know what she meant, even just contextually. You Brits are supposed to be smart. Not that Alexandria is giving him much to work with. She then says something about "knowing she belongs in this" or something equally vague and spiritual, and he's like "It takes more than THAT." OK, now I think he just doesn't like her and is psyching her out for fun. And guess what! It works. The shoot doesn't go well. Jay: "She looks so contrived. It's killing me." Michael tells Alexandria she's "over-directing" herself, which is Alexandria's weakness, as we know, so yep. On Elimination Watch she goes.

Hannah: Hannah goes at it like she's riding a bronco, and from minute one, Michael loves her vibe. She makes him feel like she's all alone in the massive desert, and that's exactly what he wanted out of the shoot. "It was full of atmosphere. Bravo, girl."

After the shoot, Alexandria says she knows she frustrated the photographer, but she's confident she "worked it out" by the end of her shoot. Kasia and Hannah also seem to be worried. [Say in Tyra Voice] Who will be... ELIMINATED TONIGHT?

Judging and Elimination
Tonight's guest judge is none other than Vogue Italia's Franca Sozzani, whom we all remember from last season, when she picked Ann Ward as her favorite and then... Ann won. Yes, Ann was the early favorite, but you can't tell me that Franca's blessing didn't have something to do with her victory. So: Will Franca reveal which girl she loves best tonight?


See the final photos here:


Brittani: Nigel loves her androgyny, but Franca thinks she looks too "concerned" and unnatural in her pose. Andre thinks it has a narrative and loves the drama, and Tyra loves the "risk," saying it's "like an ad campaign." Brittani is on fire this week, though she has yet to win over Franca, who, if Top Model was a videogame, would be the surprise end boss, so to speak.

Alexandria: Tyra does her best (terrible) accent to impersonate Alexandria's "yo, bro, it's whatever, dude" (or something) California attitude. She's glad Alexandria looks more blank slate today. To the photo: Nigel loves her upper body, but he's not crazy about the legs. Andre thinks her mouth is too tense and she looks like she has... "indigestion? Constipation?" Tyra drops that other d-word again: Alexandria gave too much Direction. Nigel says whether she meant to or not, Alexandria presents herself with an attitude, and she needs to be careful.

Kasia: Tyra says her film was too tense, and Andre and Franca say this shot doesn't have enough energy or narrative. Tyra says Kasia needs to "push that critic aside" within herself, because she's capable of better.

Molly: Franca loves it. "It's very natural." Andre loves that he can see "the message of the clothes," like she's a "high fashion princess." Tyra: "You're pretending you're not aware, but you're very aware. Because models are always aware. That's why they make terrible actresses... sometimes. Because they're too aware even when they're trying to pretend they're not." If I attempted to point out all the logic problems and points of meta-hilarity in that statement my head might explode.

UPDATE: Commenter JillyBean3 (below) reminded me of the special relevance of Tyra's comments above. And all I have to say (...yet, before I recap Life-Size, because now that I have the idea in my head, I HAVE to recap Life-Size) is this:


Hannah: Nigel thinks it's current, and Andre loves it, except for her uplifted arm. Franca isn't sure about the expression in her face. Tyra says Hannah's film was fantastic and she had "momentum."

During the judges' deliberation, Franca says she thinks Brittani's shot was made by the photographer, not Brittani. Nigel says Alexandria "feels fake," and Tyra says she looks like a pouty little girl. Franca thinks Kasia's shot is great, but then she says she wouldn't put it in the magazine and she doesn't see Kasia as a model. UH OH. Franca says she likes Molly's attitude and she WOULD put her shot in the magazine. SOLD. Hannah's shot starts a debate about whether you have to be able to think to model. The consensus seems to be... no. Good thing!

Tyra hands out her badges of approval:

Best Photo: Molly (Ha! SEE? Molly was Franca's favorite, and Molly got best photo. This theory has legs!)

Runner-up: Brittani
And third place: Hannah

Bottom Two: Kasia and Alexandria

Will it be our fiercely real model, or our fiercely bossy model who goes home? Tyra says Alexandria's pictures are strong, but not AS strong as the three girls who got called before her. Her talent seems "spotty" and her on-set demeanor is iffy. And then there's Kasia, who's even spottier than Spotty McBossy next to her. And she seems to be lacking the confidence of a true "fiercely real" girl.

Eliminated: Kasia

Awwww. I'm sad, but sadly unsurprised after her meltdown on set this week. And Alexandria just can't be taken down! Tyra warns Alexandria (AGAIN) that she has some "work" to do on completely altering her personality. Top Model precedent (and human history) indicates this is difficult if not impossible, so fear not, injustice-criers: I think Alexandria's days in this competition are numbered. Though, come to think of it, that would free her up for TOP MODEL ALL STARS...

Tyra hugs Kasia goodbye and gives her some final advice: "Consistency is more important than even being the best." Stitch that on a pillow and make it your personal motto! Kasia says this is just a "bump in the road" for her, and I believe it: She's got the goods if she doesn't get in her own way.

Have a question for Kasia? I'm talking to her tomorrow. Post your questions in the comments!

Next Week: Bellydancing/runway walking with trays of candles on their heads. Because of course.

(Images courtesy of CW)