Just to make up for last week's clip show
, Tyra's given us a double dose
of awesome this week: First, the AMAZING news that the next season of
Top Model will be ALL STARS
. I'm so excited it's probably unhealthy.
Second, tonight's episode, which takes the final five girls
to Morocco! What exotic adventures and model-minded mishaps will occur
in this beautiful foreign land? How many different animals and insane Miss J
headdresses will we get to see? To the recap!
America's Next Top Model is available on Amazon Prime.
As they board the plane and fly abroad, Brittani puts it all in
perspective for us: "WHAT? I came from a trailer park in Pennsylvania."
Exactly! Top Model
makes [travel] dreams come true.
Awesome camel overlay I caught here. Or maybe it's a ghost camel?
Definitely ghost camel.
We're down to five girls, so they're starting to get really competitive
and sizing each other up. Literally. Brittani thinks she has an edge on
Kasia, because Kasia is the plus-size model. But Kasia thinks, even
though the other girls don't give her credit, she's earned her spot and
shown she has the experience to go all the way.
Alexandria, meanwhile, has animorphed from her previous lioness
"I'm like a chameleon. OK? I have a gecko at home. He doesn't change
colors, but I do." Does she even hear this stuff in her head before she
Molly, aka Blurry Mouth, learned her lesson from being in the bottom two
last week: "Apparently I look like I want to kill everyone." She thinks
it's "bullsh*t" that she has to act happy and friendly all the time.
Like, ALL the time. That is too much time to be happy! She says she was
adopted, and that gave her a lot of anger growing up. Anger that now
manifests itself in her calling everything "bullsh*t." I love Molly. I
think we would get along. I worry about what that says about me.
The girls arrive in Marrakech and walk around the town square, where
they encounter men with cobras, more men with cobras, and men with
instruments and cobras. Brittani draws her first cross-cultural
comparison: "Where I come from, you see a snake, you kill it, skin it,
you eat it. And at the bar where I work, we mount the skin on the wall."
The world is truly a diverse and magical place.
Miss J is wearing his most exotic eyeliner and fakest accent as he and
Mister Jay welcome the girls to Morocco and tell them they are about to
embark on a fancy lunch and "fashion tour" of Marrakech. "Use the buddy
system and try not to be offensive," neither of them says, as they
probably should. Then they put monkeys on the girls' heads just to mess with them.
Much the way you might get lei'd upon arriving in Hawaii, you get monkeyed when you arrive in Morocco.
Alexandria begs the monkey not to give her scarf hepotitis or monkey AIDs or something. That would really take this season down a dark path:
My Tea Time with Andre:
After stuffing their tiny faces with delicious food that makes me PHYSICALLY SHAKE with jealousy, the girls get to at a local Marrakechi fashion designer's showroom, and
Andre Leon Talley is there waiting for them in his most fabulous black
and yellow poncho. Now is their first Moroccan challenge: Walk in these
amazingly intricate high-fashion looks for Andre, and try not to f*** it
Her dress looks like a couture cornucopia, and her walk is just as bold, much like her hair.
Uh-oh. Poor girl. Our "fiercely real" contestant can't find a
fiercely real dress to fit her. Finally, after she tries on half the
store, they find a skirt that works. She's the only one who brought
heels with her, and so her experience pays off double: She is also able
to mask her disappointment about the saga of the too-small dresses, and
walks well. Girl is a pro!
Her yellow dress is too long, and it makes her walk slow and
awkward. She can't really move unless she holds the dress. Still, Andre
clearly has a soft spot for Molly, so he's not too critical about it.
Andre likes the control she shows in her short poncho, which
looks like it's made out of tree bark. I mean that in a good way. These
clothes are fantastic! Their complete lack of functionality is part of
their art and charm.
Andre is horrified to see her wearing white SOCKS with her black kooshball dress, but her walk goes well. Weirdly, he does not say the d-word ("dreckitude") about the socks. Are you feeling OK, Andre?
In the end, there's no prize for this challenge, except the elusive
approval of Andre Leon Talley, who says while Kasia was the only one
smart enough to bring heels, Brittani's walk is the closest to high
fashion. Brittani is pleased.
After their walking tour, Andre has his once-a-cycle mental check-in
with the finalists, and Alexandria is still laying it on with her sugary
sweet "fakeness," which irritates Molly the most because she's the
least capable of replicating it. Andre reveals that their rooftop tea
time spot is actually the roof of their "new home," which is decorated
Haha, just kiddingggggg. Tyra has GENEROUSLY put up pictures of herself
throughout the entire house. But other than that, the place is gorgeous.
There's even a pool! Tyra probably called and asked if they could
retile the bottom of the pool with a mosaic of her face, but there just
wasn't enough time. Maybe next season!
All the other girls are thrilled with the fancy Moroccan digs, but Molly
is pissed off (and constantly blurry-mouthed) about having to share a
triple bed with Kasia and Brittani. Which, you know, yeah, that's sort
of weird, but get over it. Someone is going home in two days anyway, and
then you'll have all the space you'll need! The other girls are sick of
Molly's bitchin' and hope it sends her home this week.
Photo Shoot: CAMELS!
The girls arrive in the desert, which smells like animals and hay, or as Brittani says, "like home sweet home."
I love that the closer we get to the finale, the more trailer park
references we hear out of Brittani. Could they be trying to stack up her
"rags to riches" storyline?
Jay greets the girls from atop a camel, and warns them that they'll have
to "model through the mishaps" with their "grumpy mama" camel today. I
hope someone gets spit on! Today's photographer is Michael Woolley,
whose British accent and English explorer outfit feels very "Dr.
Livingstone, I presume." Or maybe more like "Dr. Livingstone, I pretend
that post-colonialism never happened."
Silly Brittani. Everyone knows camels don't respond to reasonable requests for compromise. They're, like, SUCH Tyras that way!!
She starts off a bit tense and "clamped" to the camel, but
once she loosens up, her contortions are bold and elegant. She stands
and leans on top of the camel, and it looks amazing from where we are.
"Brittani has got her mojo back," says Jay.
Still in a bad mood, you might think Molly and the camel would
bond over their crankiness... and you'd be right! "Molly nailed the
shoot," says Jay. "Most importantly, she brought tension to the shot."
Brittani says Molly's shoot "fell accidentally into place." It
looks like Brittani's claws piggybacked on her mojo, because they are
Things start out too "posey" for Kasia, and she looks like she's
about to fall off for a bit. Michael: "I felt out of control with Kasia,
and frankly it was painful shooting her." Kasia gets off the camel and
starts crying because she feels "self-conscious about her body," which,
you know what THAT means: We're putting her on Elimination Watch.
"What's baseball? I'm not only British, I'm also from the PAST."
animals, remember? (Almost like she can speak to them? In parseltongue?) Alexandria tells Michael she
wants to "hit this out of the park," and he's like "Huh? Cricket? Rugby?
Lorries?" Chill out, Michael. I'm pretty sure you know what she meant,
even just contextually. You Brits are supposed to be smart. Not that Alexandria is giving him much to work
with. She then says something about "knowing she belongs in this" or
something equally vague and spiritual, and he's like "It takes more than
THAT." OK, now I think he just doesn't like her and is psyching her out
for fun. And guess what! It works. The shoot doesn't go well. Jay: "She
looks so contrived. It's killing me." Michael tells Alexandria she's
"over-directing" herself, which is Alexandria's weakness, as we know, so
yep. On Elimination Watch she goes.
Hannah goes at it like she's riding a bronco, and from minute
one, Michael loves her vibe. She makes him feel like she's all alone in
the massive desert, and that's exactly what he wanted out of the shoot.
"It was full of atmosphere. Bravo, girl."
After the shoot, Alexandria says she knows she frustrated the
photographer, but she's confident she "worked it out" by the end of her
shoot. Kasia and Hannah also seem to be worried. [Say in Tyra Voice] Who will
be... ELIMINATED TONIGHT?
Judging and Elimination
Tonight's guest judge is none other than Vogue Italia's Franca Sozzani,
whom we all remember from last season, when she picked Ann Ward as her
favorite and then... Ann won. Yes, Ann was the early favorite, but you
can't tell me that Franca's blessing didn't have something to do with
her victory. So: Will Franca reveal which girl she loves best tonight?
I will END you.
See the final photos here:
Nigel loves her androgyny, but Franca thinks she looks too
"concerned" and unnatural in her pose. Andre thinks it has a narrative
and loves the drama, and Tyra loves the "risk," saying it's "like an ad
campaign." Brittani is on fire this week, though she has yet to win over Franca, who, if Top Model
was a videogame, would be the surprise end boss, so to speak.
Tyra does her best (terrible) accent to impersonate
Alexandria's "yo, bro, it's whatever, dude" (or something) California
attitude. She's glad Alexandria looks more blank slate today. To the
photo: Nigel loves her upper body, but he's not crazy about the legs.
Andre thinks her mouth is too tense and she looks like she has...
"indigestion? Constipation?" Tyra drops that other d-word again: Alexandria
gave too much Direction. Nigel says whether she meant to or not,
Alexandria presents herself with an attitude, and she needs to be
Tyra says her film was too tense, and Andre and Franca say this
shot doesn't have enough energy or narrative. Tyra says Kasia needs to
"push that critic aside" within herself, because she's capable of
Franca loves it. "It's very natural." Andre loves that he can see
"the message of the clothes," like she's a "high fashion princess."
Tyra: "You're pretending you're not aware, but you're very aware.
Because models are always aware. That's why they make terrible
actresses... sometimes. Because they're too aware even when they're
trying to pretend they're not." If I attempted to point out all the
logic problems and points of meta-hilarity in that statement my head
Commenter JillyBean3 (below) reminded me of the special relevance of Tyra's comments above. And all I have to say (...yet, before I recap Life-Size
, because now that I have the idea in my head, I HAVE to recap Life-Size
) is this:
Nigel thinks it's current, and Andre loves it, except for her
uplifted arm. Franca isn't sure about the expression in her face. Tyra
says Hannah's film was fantastic and she had "momentum."
During the judges' deliberation, Franca says she thinks Brittani's shot
was made by the photographer, not
Brittani. Nigel says Alexandria "feels
fake," and Tyra says she looks like a pouty little girl. Franca thinks
Kasia's shot is great, but then she says she wouldn't put it in the
magazine and she doesn't see Kasia as a model. UH OH. Franca says she
likes Molly's attitude and she WOULD put her shot in the magazine. SOLD.
Hannah's shot starts a debate about whether you have to be able to
think to model. The consensus seems to be... no. Good thing!
Tyra hands out her badges of approval:
Best Photo: Molly
(Ha! SEE? Molly was Franca's favorite, and Molly got best photo. This theory has legs!)
And third place: Hannah
Bottom Two: Kasia and Alexandria
Will it be our fiercely real model, or our fiercely bossy model who goes
home? Tyra says Alexandria's pictures are strong, but not AS strong as
the three girls who got called before her. Her talent seems "spotty" and
her on-set demeanor is iffy. And then there's Kasia, who's even
spottier than Spotty McBossy next to her. And she seems to be lacking
the confidence of a true "fiercely real" girl.
Awwww. I'm sad, but sadly unsurprised after her meltdown on set this week. And Alexandria just can't be taken
down! Tyra warns Alexandria (AGAIN) that she has some "work" to do on completely altering
her personality. Top Model
precedent (and human history) indicates this
is difficult if not impossible, so fear not, injustice-criers: I think
Alexandria's days in this competition are numbered. Though, come to
think of it, that would
free her up for TOP MODEL ALL STARS...
Tyra hugs Kasia goodbye and gives her some final advice: "Consistency is
more important than even being the best." Stitch that on a pillow and
make it your personal motto! Kasia says this is just a "bump in the
road" for her, and I believe it: She's got the goods if she doesn't get
in her own way.
Have a question for Kasia? I'm talking to her tomorrow. Post your questions in the comments!
Bellydancing/runway walking with trays of candles on their heads. Because of course.
(Images courtesy of CW)