'America's Next Top Model' Recap: No-etry in Motion
'America's Next Top Model' Recap: No-etry in Motion
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Only four girls left! Who will master the art of "motion editorial" and live in Tyra's good graces long enough to make it to the finale in two weeks?

Tonight's recap is a little shorter, because I've got a pressing appointment with a guy named Harry Potter. Let's cut to the chase and see who got cut. But first: Hilarity!

America's Next Top Model is available on Amazon Prime.


Chelsey and Jane are the first girls of the episode to express insecurity, which means they are on high alert to get eliminated tonight. That is how Top Model editing works. (OR DOES IT?) Jane: "She saw a crack in the robot that I am." Even if Tyra's not impressed that Jane is a robot, I'm impressed that Jane is self-aware enough to call herself a robot. (Or is that step one to a robot rebellion? Oh no!)

Challenge:
Tyra Mail sez: "
Modeling is 100% you and 50% who you know." (SURE, THAT MAKES SENSE!)

Miss J introduces the girls to Barbara Terrinoni, who teaches them how to "be more expressive and show more emotions" by screaming and crying like a murderer is after them. Tyra would be great at this, but Jane the robot and Ann the ghost are not. Barbara tells it like it's is with Ann. When she introducers herself: "Are you sure you're alive?" When she smiles: "Not like Frankenstein." Hahahaha.

The "challenge" to act like a B-horror-movie star is supposed to help them for their next task: Meeting with somebody VERY important. I don't blame you if you immediately assumed he was talking about Tyra, but he's actually talking about Franca Sozzanni at Vogue Italia. (No, not Tyra dressed up as Franca Sozzanni, although that would be awesome. This meeting is the REAL DA-EAL.)

The Meetings with Franca:
Andre the gay wizard conductor shows up to chaperone.

alt-gaywizardconductor.jpgAll aboard the Crazy Talk Express!

ALT uses his invisibility cloak to spy on the girls' meetings with Franca, but for some reason we can still see him! Maybe it's the video camera, who knows, I'm no wizard.

alt-looming2.jpgYOU CAN'T SEE MEEEEE

Kayla: She talks about her book but not much about herself. Franca says she needs more character.

Chelsey: Was herself, friendly and informative. Franca says she has good character.

Ann: Her strategy is "try to scream," but she's too quiet and shy.

Jane: She's composed, but too quiet. Franca says she's pretty but might not have enough character in her face.

ALT announces the winner: Chelsey. Her prize is a private viewing of "The Last Supper" (OMG ART!) with her friend Kayla, and Andre, who pops out for a minute to change capes and hats.

alt-looming5.jpgThis is more "Jesus appropriate."

For part 2 of their prize, Chelsey and Kayla stay in a fancy Italian hotel instead of their garbage, worthless craptastic model's apartment. Kayla and Chelsey even have their own cute little butler, who brings them champagne and chocolate.

To make themselves feel better about losing, Jane pours them some vodka, and Ann draws an anime Last Supper and tapes it to the wall. They look at it while they get drunk and try to will themselves to grow personalities. 

Photo Motion Editorial Shoot:

In fair Verona, where Jay sets his scene ... the girls learn that two of them will go home after this challenge. "Two means fifty perfect," Jane tells us. (Thanks, Princeton.)

Tyra pops out and announces that she will be their "motion editorial" director, and a "motion editorial" is just looking sexy while moving. (Not to be confused with dancing.) The whole thing is a mad, mad, mad, mad MESS! And they're in a hurry! Which means it is all just so fantastic. Here are the girls' instructions, basically:

jane-motion5.jpg"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNN ..."

Set 1: Be like Alice in Wonderland discovering a new, fancy place for the first time. This equates to looking up a lot while opening your mouth in fanciful, girl-like amazement. Look soft while Tyra yells "ETHEREAL!" and "SOFTER!"at you. HURRY, NO TIME! NO TIME!

Set 2: Stand in a doorway in a hoochie dress and snap your shoulders and flip your hair like a TRESemme commercial. MOVING ON.

Set 3: Sit in Madonna's chair from "Me Against the Music" and do the Legally Blonde bend-and-snap. GO, GO, GO.

Set 4: Walk in an outdoor corridor. Then stand in one spot with lace over your face and whisper your own name. "Cheeeels..." NO TIME TO FINISH THE NAME, MOVING ON.

Set 5:
Stand next to a shrub and enact the concept "What's your beauty, I tell you mine!" whatever THAT means. Tyra: "My beauty is my boobies!" Fall to the ground! AAAND WE'RE DONE!

That was fun. Jay needs a nap. So do I. But there's NO TIME.

Judging and Elimination:

The footage from the "motion editorial" is very 80s music video + perfume commercial + soft core Victorian erotica + Eyes Wide Shut + "WHAT!!!!"-inducing amateur Youtube attempt. All the whispering! The breathing on the glass! The crying in the corner! Could this be the best worst thing Tyra has ever done?

jane-motion2.jpgchelsey-motion1.jpgjane-motion4.jpgThe answer is probably YES. What a way to go out for the two girls who are about to get eliminated.

ELIMINATION:

This week's
WINNER: ANN.

Great shoulder snapping! Ann is going to the finals.

And the other finalist is ... CHELSEY!

Whoa, I did not see that coming. I totally thought it would be Kayla. Tyra tells Kayla she could be a big star if she learns how to be an actress. She then tells Jane to "test, test, test" and she will "make a lot of money" as a model. Bye, Kayla! Bye, Jane!

Am I going crazy, or did NO ONE cry this week? That is crazier than crazy, y'all. In the semi-finals, no less!

But not so fast: The episode's not over yet. Tyra then premieres her "directorial debut" and ... how do I even put such artistry into words? The best I can do is wait until the video goes on to Youtube, and for now say with confidence that it is SO not great that it may go down in history as the best worst non-greatest thing Tyra has ever done. This may be what you see before you die. Or barf. Or both. Awesomely bad job, Tyra!
 gffggffg.jpg"Kaaaaaaylaaaaa ..."

See you next week for the clip show! (If you're into that sort of thing. Which, make no mistake, I am NOT.) But what choice do we have? Now we have to wait TWO WEEKS to find out whether Ann or Chelsey will win. We might as well yuck it up with Chris while we wait.



(Images courtesy of CW)

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