episode 15.7: The girls compete for the illustrious title of "Grammy Girl," and then portray eight iconic fashion designers in their photo shoot. Plus: Ann's winning streak is finally threatened.
Who will be onstage handing out an award at this year's Grammys? Who looked totally silly as a man? Who finally gave Ann a run for her money at panel? Read on for that and more, dear reader.
. As in, Part II. Now we have an even hundred! (Documented. Lord only knows how many scary Tyra faces have gone
. The mind boggles.)
The girls to the the Grammy Museum, where Jay and the RCA president tell them that one of them will get to be a "Grammy girl" at this year's ceremony. They will choose the winner in an elaborate game of musical clothes, in which the girls will split up into pairs, each partner will pick an outfit for the other--seemingly for the potential that someone to end up looking like an idiot in a dress that doesn't fit, intentionally or otherwise. Then Jay will pick the winning pair, and then Mr. RCA Prez will pick the winner from that pair. Woof! That's a complicated process to select which girl will get the illustrious job of handing a trophy to someone and then walking away, but OK! Let's do this!
Sorry, producers. On any other cycle, your challenge arrangement would have spelled D-R-A-M-U-H, but these girls seem to have a deathly allergy to freaking out and/or being interesting. Liz asks Kayla for a big poofy gown and gets a pair of sparkly pants instead, and is like, "OK." Even when Ann picks out a size 12 wrap-labyrinth thing for size 2 Chelsey, her response is, "I'm annoyed and frustrated." What is
? Remember when girls used to fight and scream and intentionally sabotage each other on this show?
The best quote of the challenge comes from Jane about what it's like to shop for Esther:
Props to Jane for being so nonchalant about her dixie cups as compared to Esther's big gulps. I guess if I was as beautiful as her, it wouldn't be a major concern for me, either.
For a minute there I was worried Ann was going to win thanks to the bomb outfit that Chelsey picked out for her, even though what she picked out was a big ol' mess, which is when I realized I had no idea how Jay and what's his name are judging: On appearance? Effort? Passion about the Grammys (like that's a thing)? The rules of this competition are stupid. Anyway, Ann doesn't win because RCA guy worries she would literally overshadow (see what I did there?) the Grammy winners. Ann: "Ugh, this again. I can't change my height unless I chop off my legs. And that's not going to happen." Girl, if Tyra heard you say that, she'd hand you a saw and give you a hands-on lesson about sacrifices.
ANYWAY, Kayla wins, for taking artistic liberties with Liz's pants, and something about giving opportunities to people who wouldn't have them otherwise. And if you couldn't hear her talking about it, you'd think she was miserable:
But really, she's just so excited and touched and grateful, like everyone on every episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
But instead of getting a house, she's getting an opportunity
. Unfortunately, when she puts that opportunity into words, it sounds like a line out of an Onion article: "Now I'm going to be at the Grammys, handing somebody an award, and it means a lot to me." Haha. Handing somebody an award!
But who knows, maybe it will
turn into a bigger opportunity. Maybe she'll meet Kanye West and become the next Amber Rose. Maybe he'll buy her her own set of diamond teeth. It could happen! Like they always say, "Anything is possible when you're at the Grammys, being seen but not heard but also not really seen, either." Later, Liz Got Drunk:
Upset about the challenge loss (Liz religiously records the Grammys every year on her VHS, she said so) Liz got wasted on a whole bottle of white wine. (Atta girl!) And when Liz gets wasted, it looks like Liz gets really into WWII reenactments:
"Save ... yourselves ... " "Where are my legs? DAMN YOU HITLER!"
I don't actually think Liz got as drunk as the editors made her out to be, but maybe that is because I have a pretty high standard for what drunk looks like. (Being the owner and user of many mirrors.) If Liz needs to hug the floor to make herself feel better sometimes, I say: Welcome to the club! Photo Shoot:
Allow me to introduce you to Francesco Carrozzini, photographer and my boyfriend.
That's my boyfriend. Oh, that's just my boyfriend as well. That's ... nope, nevermind. That's Liz dressed up as John Galliano (who's dressed up as the Mad Hatter, who's dressed up as Mickey Rourke).
Anyway, tonight's photo shoot (shot by Francesco Carrozzini, totally my boyfriend) put the girls in the roles of iconic fashion designers. Jay Manuel tells the girls the lesson of the shoot: "As a model, you need to know everything about every designer out there." Everything about everyone, all the time! Unfortunately for most of the girls, when it comes to designers, they know nothing about no one, never.
Some are lady designers, and some are men designers. And some are Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry
Those with men designers have a much harder time with it, especially Esther and Jane, whose stubble makeup, fake eyebrows and creepy wigs do neither of them any favors, and make them look the new protagonists in one of those updated Shakespearean cross-dressing comedy movies, like that one starring Amanda Bynes, She's The Man
, where we could all tell she was totally not a dude (and a weird looking, ugly dude at that) but everyone in the movie remains oblivious to the cross-dressing, because they're idiots.
WE'RE ALL DUDES! I SWEAR!
So it's not really their fault that they look ridiculous, nor is it really fair. Especially when Kayla and Chris get to throw out flowers and jump around as hyper-feminine Vivienne Westwood and Betsey Johnson. But Liz and Ann still rock their photo shoots despite the dude gear (because they're more androgynous to begin with, but also because they model better), so Esther and Jane don't have much of an excuse. Their only hope is that someone else will do worse than they did. To the rescue comes Kendal, who has the simplest assignment as Vera Wang and decides that, on this particular occasion, when acting and energy are more essential than ever, she prefers to do nothing
Kendal: "I'm trying to be simple." Jay: "It's registering as blank."
Final photos, y'all. Click and come back:Judging & Elimination:
To kicks things off, Tyra tells a strangely amusing and comforting story about how, when she first met Nigel, she thought he was the hottest piece in all the land. "Now it's like, Nigel, my brother!" she says. And, speaking of hot, look who it is!
Now, the anticipation starts to rise: Will Ann's five-in-a-row first call-out streak finally be broken? The front-runners to steal the trophy tonight are Liz
, whom the judges praise for channeling Galliano's essence so well and embracing her androgyny, and Kayla
, who managed to outshine her fellow model despite their similar crazy get-ups. Chris
's shot is full of Betsey Johnson craziness, but Andre doesn't like it--kiss of death. Chelsey
's shot is regal and feminine, but a little too tough for Carolina Herrera, while Ann
's is subtle and spot-on.
(Sidenote: Tyra does a spot-freaking-on Oliver Twist impression, finally revealing where her previous newsies-inspired ensembles have been coming from: She's totally obsessed old timey orphan boys! "PLEASE SUH, I WANT SOME MORE SUSPENDERS AND STUPID HATS!" Her dream is to be a lowly beggar boy who becomes an indentured chimney sweep and dies of the black lung. But she can't do that. So, alas, she settles for a life of supermodeling.)
At the bottom of the pile sit Esther
, who's "too costume," Jane
, who's not as "gritty" and "down to earth" as Marc Jacobs is in real life, and Kendal
, whom Francesco says didn't seem to try at all during the shoot. And then she gets the real kiss of death from Tyra's lips: "You are the noun but not the verb." UH OH. We all know where this is going now ...
But first, best photo goes to ... LIZ!
Finally, Ann's streak has been broken! Order is restored to the universe!
Good job, Liz/Dave Navarro, whichever you are!Bottom Two: Esther and Kendal.
As soon as Tyra weaves an elaborate metaphor about how Kendal is a "a new colt who is ready to run," but whose legs are wobbly and she "keeps falling down in the hay" (SERIOUSLY she said that), we all know she's toast.
Tyra says Kendal just needs to go home and practice, because she's got the goods but isn't using them. Bye, Kendal! You are sweet and I'm sad to see you go.
Have a question for Kendal? I'm talking to her tomorrow morning.Next Week:
A fashion show with Zac Posen, and a photo shoot that brings up a traumatic memory for Kayla.