Tonight on America's Next Top Model:
Tyra's chosen 14 finalists move into their new home and get right to work, first on a neon runway at the top of a building, and then on their first photo shoot about teen bullying.
Who thrived under the mile-high pressure, and who fell flat? (Without the "splat"?) All the details and the color commentary await you ...
Harry Perry, Only A Little Scary
America's Next Top Model is available on Amazon Prime.
Venice beach boardwalk icon Harry Perry (this is a good, crazy read
)--or as they see him, "this fool in a white suit and a hat"--rolls up, literally, to sing the girls a song about their new house, which is right near the beach
Commence with the SCA-REEEEAMING!
OMG, there's sand on the floor--intentionally! Tyra, what haven't
you thought of?Chris and Ann: A friendship made in [blogging] heaven.
takes a shining to awkward Ann
, and immediately says, "After this, we're gonna find you a man. You're laughing, but I'm for real." She's SO for real that she asks what Ann looks for in a guy, and Ann commences to make the best boyfriend wish list of ALL TIME:
- "Hobos are kind of hot." (She's a hobosexual.)
- Age limit: "Sixty."
- "He has to be a warlock."
- "He has to spit fire."
- "And he has to know how to make sushi."
So basically, this guy. Is this the guy, Ann? This is so the guy you want. Super hot.
Unfortunately, he doesn't date models. It's a principle thing.
Elsewhere in the house, Kayla
comes out to everyone as a lesbian (and they don't care, thank goodness) and Anamaria
confides in a couple girls that even her mother thinks she's too skinny. (And your foreshadowing alarm should sound like this: "Weee-ooo, wee-ooo, weee-ooo!"
First Challenge: The Runway of DOOM!
And you thought last season's first runway challenge
was the Runway of Doom? Oh, no, girl. Pendulum doom is soooo
last season. This season is all about HEIGHT DOOM!
But wuh-oh, see those strings? Usually Tyra's puppet strings are invisible, but tonight it means that they're all wearing harnesses. Damn, no death tonight. (Except of embarrassment.)
At some point, one stylist said to another stylist: "You know what we should do with the tall, awkward girl most in need of style help and a dash of femininity? PUT A SKINNED BLACK CAT ON HER SKULL."
Good idea or great idea? (Trick question: The answer is WORST idea.)
So each girl takes her turn walking her Diane von Furstenberg outfit out on the mile-high runway where, when they're not stumbling, the girls in skirts give the audience down below quite a view.
Teeny tiny Anamaria
slips--but only as she exits. Sara
impresses the Jays the most with her "performance." Kacey channels Rachel Zoe
and makes my brain pump out of my head when she says, "My heart was literally pumping out of my chest. Literally
." But then she redeems herself with the best face of the night:
Remember BITTER BEER FACE? Good times.
I think Liz
put the whole thing best: "I had to think, "Am I going to die?" and "Do I look good?" in the same thought. And that was more than I could contemplate at one time."
Wee-ooo, wee-ooo, wee-ooo!
More foreshadowing: Anamaria
keeps bashing the other girls about their "busted walks" and lack of versatility and not-from-New-York-like-me-ness. "They're small town American girls. I wouldn't look twice walking down the street." So if you've seen an episode of ANTM
, you know where Anamaria is going: Yep, Bottom Twosville.
There is no runway challenge winner, which means no prize, which makes Meghan a sad panda.
(Images courtesy of the CW)
Jay Manuel shows up in a double V-neck to explain that this week's photo shoot is about teen bullying. To fully illustrate the symbolism of the photo shoot, he does a little exercise (in totally hyberbolic narcissism). When he was in high school, he was apparently made fun of for being a "band geek."
Not for the silver hair and perfectly groomed eyebrows? Just sayin'.
But look at him NOW!
"Creative genius." (No need for a joke here. I think you get it.)
The girls each must decide on a word that hurt them when they were younger, and a new word that represents them rising above the bullying. Some understand this assignment better than others.
Yes. I see what you did there. ... What?
But that's probably because they had such a bad second example:
BIG FOREHEAD BIG EGO BIG NOT UNDERSTANDING OWN WRITING ASSIGNMENT
Some girls don't seem to have much baggage about their words ("Casper," elf ears," other fantastical creatures meant to sting hearts) but some do. Ann
's bully word is "giant," so she chooses "Amazon" as her princess of power word (or whatever they're calling it). Rhianna
says her teachers used to call her "stupid," but her creative mind just words differently--"undefinably," even.Kayla
is the best. And also the most upset by her bully word: "Queer." She tells Tyra that she was bullied so much that she had to change schools. Her power word is also the best: "Free." How adorable and wonderful and liberating and beautiful is that?
Even after Kayla calls Tyra "a motherly-type loving person," I'm still in love with her. LOOK!Terra
("soup cooler/luscious lips") has the requisite freak out during the first photo shoot.
Her sister Chris
("bony/slim") has seen this show: "Oh my god, you're the first to cry? You're gonna go home!"
Once again, Anamaria
's weight becomes an issue. Jay tells her that she's too "vascular" and needs to be aware that she looks like a bag of bones on film. Her response (in the confessional, not to his face): "I don't give a s*** what you have to say." Good attitude!
But no time for that. OMG, it's Demi Lovatooooo!
"The end of bullying begins with us," the model said to the other models. Who are all judged based solely on their appearances and bully each other on a regular basis as part of a weekly televised spectacle. (Italics = Irony alert.) Judging Panel
Yaaaay! Tyra and Andre Leon Talley and Nigel! All our old pals! Hugs all around.
GLITTER CAPE! It's gonna be a good season.
Guest judge Diane von Furstenberg is seriously so beautiful that it is seriously insane. If I look that good when I'm her age I will have made a deal with the Devil. But I won't. I will look like this.
Here's the up and down of the judges' comments about each girl (I'll post my own analysis tomorrow--CAN YOU WAIT? I bet you just can't wait):Lexie:
Lovely eyes, lovely attitude.Kacey:
Strength and vulnerability, but she looks like an "athlete who's gorgeous." It's "almost dreck."Jane:
Her body's "gauche." (ALT)Kayla:
Vulnerable and stunning. "Free is the most beautiful word you could choose, because nothing is more important than freedom. And if you look for the freedom, then you will fly. And you look like you're just about to fly." (Diane--so wonderful.)Liz:
"Punky" photo. Dynamic face.Esther:
Awkward. Good job hiding the boobs.Kendal:
Glamorous, "like a gazelle." ALT: "Your colon vertebral
is expressing to us, confidence."Sara:
Needs more ... smize. "A beautiful Barbie doll."Terra:
Not creative, too obvious in the posing. "Terra-ble." (Nigel)Chris:
Not strong enough, didn't commit to it.Chelsey:
Spooky, strong, confident ... possessed?Rhianna:
"Undefinable." Needs to lengthen her neck.Anamaria:
Needs to work her angles better. And Tyra lays the smack down: "The other film, your body doesn't look healthy. And it made me very uncomfortable." Anamaria disagrees with the judges. "You may see it, but I don't." Diane counters with wisdom: "Beauty IS health." OWNED by a legend.Ann:
Aristocratic, elegant. The judges are raving! Diane says "I think you could be a big model." Ann just needs to up her confidence.Elimination
From 14 to 13. Who's the first to go?
Best Photo: AnnRunner-up: Kayla.
(Go, Kayla! Wait, this is a weird sensation. My favorites are ... doing well?)
Then it comes down to the bottom two: Anamaria and Terra.
The judges deem Terra
's "obvious" posing better than Anamaria's obvious ribs, and so Anamaria
is the first to go. And here's Tyra just being Tyra: "You might be the healthiest girl in the world. You might be able to race me down the block and leave me panting behind you. But it might not hurt to eat some avocado and a little bit of bread with some butter on it." (Someone's ready for lunch time!)
Bye, Anamaria. (Actually--hello, Anamaria! I'm chatting with her tomorrow. Have a question for her? Leave it in the comments down there!) UPDATE: That interview was canceled.
But you can still check out my photo shoot rankings!
(Also clickable below.)