This lovely, lyrical headline comes from none other than this cycle's Queen of Drama Island, Alasia. I fully expect (read: demand) to see it as a graphic t-shirt available for purchase on the Internet before the night is over, because it's 2010, you guys, and that's just how things that I love happen
in 2010: instantaneously, and without much work necessary on my end. (Take note, Internet: I will also accept a fannypack with this phrase emblazoned on the front. Now get to work!)
I thought the headline only fitting because tonight's America's Next Top Model
episode, ironically titled "New York Women" (because nothing
says cosmopolitan, culture and class like screaming "You don't own nothing up in this m-f-er!" at your competition) put the drama at center stage, and no one came out unscathed--except perhaps Alexandra, because who
? Does she still exist? I suppose we know she does because she showed up for the photo shoot (unless that was Alexandra's ghost
!) but in the Battle of Keeping It Real VS. Keeping It Real-er
, she was nowhere to be found.
Oh yeah, and this show is still called America's Next Top Model
, so the eight remaining contestants actually did a little bit of modeling. But that's not what's important. What's important is how many times someone called someone else a bitch and in what context and with what adjectives attached to it, and what's also important is everything that Andre Leon Talley has ever said in his life, because it's all pure, solid, melt it down, mold it into a crown, put it on his head because he is my king GOLD. So let's get to the important parts ... now:
America's Next Top Model is available on Amazon Prime.
Jay Manuel accompanied the girls to a chic New York get-together where they met "handbag designer" Tinsley Mortimer (High Society
, 9:30pm, The CW) and were judged on their style and personality.
Jessica won (Whoo! But also: again
? In Angelea's words, "Is she the only one in this competition? DAMN!") but Alasia was the real star during her chat with Tinsley. After giggling incoherently and playing with her hair in front of a woman she has clearly never heard of (though there's no shame in not knowing who Tinsley Mortimer is, to be sure), Alasia revealed her main problem with ... well, everything
"You always hear people say, 'I think about it too much, I think about it
too much.' But I'm the type of person who doesn't think about it ENOUGH!"
Also, there have been literally thousands of awkward social situations in which I have wanted to ask, "Is this when I get up and leave now?" (and wanted others to ask, so I could exclaim, "YES!") but Alasia reminded me why I never do. Because it makes you look stupid. Photo Shoot:
The girls went down into the New York subway to embody various NYC lady stereotypes, including "artiste
," "rockabilly" and "model on a go-see." (How meta
of you, ANTM
And Nicole Fox was there, YAAAAAAAAY! She may have hit the big time, but she's just as awkward as ever:
The shoot was for easy, breezy, beautiful COVERGIRL, which you may not have noticed, because the makeup artist barely even mentioned it! He just kept talking and talking about his imaginary best friend, a unicorn named "Smokey Shadow Blast."
"I tell ALL my friends about Smokey Shadow Blast because he's my special unicorn friend, and Smokey Shadow Blast comes in ALL different colors because he is made of rainbows, and I love Smokey Shadow Blast because he's smokey, and shadowy, but most of all he's blasty."
Oops ... what
? Sorry, guys. I'm just trying to survive product placement overdose, and isn't "Smokey Shadow Blast" something you would name your mythical creature stuffed animal when you were six years old?
During the photo shoot, Angelea ("fashionista") impressed Jay with her "studied poise," while "something about Brenda's bones" made her look bad. Alasia giggled through her shoot, and then cried when Jay told her all her photos were garbage. Drama:
Now to the good stuff. There
is a culture war going on in the Top Model house between the (Krista's words:) "
realest" girls (Anslee, Krista, Alasia,
Angelea) and the girls "who need each other" (Brenda, Jessica, Raina).
Translation: the girls who aren't afraid to be nasty to your face versus the
girls who prefer to be nasty behind your back. A culture (of inane nonsense) war. Many conflicts ensued. Let's revisit the highlights:
After the model teach with Miss J and Ann Shoket (in which they taugh the models to dress for their unique body types, a.k.a. "skinny," "extremely skinny," "gaunt," etc.) Jessica complained that Alasia had made them all late that morning. And when Alasia tried to interrupt ... you know what? All this is just better illustrated in their own words
"Who the hell are you to tell me not to talk when you're talking? Don't tell nobody to respect you when you can't respect nobody else." - Alasia (at top volume, within 2 seconds)
"GAWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" - Jessica
"She's like Malibu Barbie, and I'm like ... Marietta
Barbie." - Alasia
Brenda called Angelea "ignorant" (because Angelea says "bitch" under her breath every five minutes) which set Angelea off, but really, what wouldn't? Angelea is angry. And I mean that in an existential way. Angelea = angry. Angrylea
Angelea is angry because "it's fun to instigate" (or is it fun to instigate because Angelea's angry? Chicken and egg!) and because she makes incredible angry faces. Maybe the best in the 'biz:
Raina complained about Alasia's chemical unbalance in the confessional, but Alasia was at the door listening with the look of an easy, breezy, beautiful MURDERER:
So then she went in the confessional and complained about Raina ("Shut up, shut up, that's how girls get BEAT UP!" -- did you make my t-shirt yet, Internet? It's been almost an hour
!) while Jessica and Raina listened in and did an interpretive dance to her anger:Elimination:
Andre Leon Talley brought out his A-game for this one. And by "A-game," I mean "A-CRAZY":About Raina's photo:
"You evoke an ice-capped volcano."
About Jessica's shoes: "They take your innocent charm to ... dreck-HOLLA!"
About Jessica's photo: "You look like the girl next door who's spoiled, and you don't want her in your posse because
she's gonna cause trouble."
About Angelea, whom I'm fairly certain he has never heard ANYTHING about outside of these panel sessions, and whose name he likely does not even know, because what use does ALT have for pedestrian monikers that put his little poupets in tiny boxes? :
"I hear you are very, very wonderful in your personal life."About Alasia, and about his secret life as a wizard (which explains all the capes):
"I have cauldrons of love for Alasia, but this is my least favorite photo
of my saloniste
In the end, ANGELEA
got first call out for her "dynamic, fascinating, confident, alluring" fashionista:KRISTA
was her runner-up for her smiley aspiring actress picture, the only shot of the week that could even remotely be considered Covergirl-esque, because while Angelea may look lovely, she also looks like a subway grifter spying an iPhone she'll nab from someone's pocket in a couple seconds, and that doesn't sell $4 concealer.
It came down to "bad bones" BRENDA
and "bad attitude" ALASIA
in the bottom two:
So it came as no surprise when Tyra saved Alasia, who has gotten high marks on her photos so far, and booted Brenda, who had the nerve
to look bad in the haircut that Tyra so graciously granted her (twice). Alasia vowed to channel "her gift, the gift of dance
" (no, seriously, and Tyra even whispered
it) from here on out:
Sorry, Jersey Shore. Fist pumping? Not a dance.Next Week:
Tyra pits the girls against a bunch of drag queens in a runway show (clearly realizing that RuPaul's Drag Race
is THE BEST) and Alasia gets left behind on the day of the photo shoot because the other girls broke the elevator (or she forgot how buttons works). See you then!