This morning, while driving my economical beige sedan, I found myself nodding along to an NPR report about Vladimir Putin, the Russian president who appears quite beige himself, but uses much more vibrant language than ours--he wants to "drag terrorists out of the sewer and into broad daylight," doesn't that just paint a picture?--and I didn't get bored. Not once. And then I recalled a possible deduction I missed on my taxes this year. "Darn it!"
Where was I going with this? (Early on-set dementia?) Oh yes: the time for when I might feel a thrill in my heart and a tug at my loins at the mention of vampires has come and gone. Pop culture moves so fast these days that at the ripe old age of 24, I'm an old lady who doesn't understand things like "Bieber fever," "Twilight
fever" or any other sort of sparkly, swirly-haired boy induced fever. I get actual
fevers because I spend too much time standing next to coughing people in elevators. And any waning interest I had in soulless bloodsuckers has been sucked out by Hollywood, which has beaten the vampire several inches past its lifespan, and then turned its corpse into a marketing marionette.
All this serves to explain why it pained me to see something I love so dearly (America's Next Top Model
) relinquish its usual unique brand of wacky and tasteless for this
played-out brand of wacky and tasteless. I admit I'm not in touch with what's "hip" anymore, but we used to be able to rely on Tyra to design ANTM
photo shoots that paid homage to the mysterious landscape that is her brain, not cover models in blood, hire a pale male with fangs and become the last stop on the Undead Express. I don't want to say she's "better" than that, but ... vampires? COME ON!
Anyway, let me put away my orthopedics so I can tell you what happened during ANTM
Episode 4, "America's Next Top Vampire":
America's Next Top Model is available on Amazon Prime.
Miss J showed up immediately after his audition for Newsies 2: Electric Boogaloo
to take the girls to see the Upright Citizens Brigade, where they attempted humorous improvisation. Embarrassment was had by all, so let's not even go into it.
EXTRY, EXTRY, READ ALL MY DISDAIN FOR YOU BECAUSE IT'S ON MY FACE!
Then, Dania Ramirez showed up on the Times Square jumbo-tron.
Who's Dania Ramirez, you ask?
She is Dania Ramirez.
Also known as that girl who was on Heroes for a while until her character died of being too boring, but better (for her resume) known as the new face of Covergirl Clean, which is Covergirl's new SUPER-specialized line (read: 3 limited choices) of foundation.
The models had to improvise movements to go along with a Covergirl Clean voiceover, and their ads played in Times Square as they made them for booing crowds of New York's most bundled up and desperate-for-entertainment citizens.
Yadda yadda yadda, Tatianna won for her ability to actually do what was asked, which was to show real, big emotion. Girlfriend's got it DOWN:
This is how I felt after seeing Wall-E for the first time.
The rest of the models did their best Price is Right
showcase model impression, and it could
have been funny, except it wasn't. It was boring. So Tatianna won a spread in Seventeen
magazine and a something-or-other on Covergirl.com, and everybody forgot about Tyra's new rule that last week's photo shoot winner was entitled to some prize-action as well, so Alasia got nothing.
Oh well. Consistency has never
been this show's strong suit.The Photo Shoot:
Drag-queen Morpheus showed up to explain the vampire-themed photo shoot.
Neo, it's your choice: pink pill or glitter pill?
The girls got fangs, big hair (vampires know how to volumize) and white-out contact lenses for their transformation into Transylvanian trannies.
Some of them liked it:
NIGHTMARES!!!!!! "I'm a mortician. I bathe in blood every day. We ALL do." - Tatianna
And some of them didn't:
Simone thought her "Zombie Charlie Chaplin" Halloween costume would be a hit, but everyone kept guessing "That Grateful Dead Skull Who Wears a Top Hat?" This made her sad.Elimination:
It's not that Brenda felt bad, per se. She just felt so weird.
Brenda was right to feel funny about the situation, because everything about the shoot was wrong. Why would vampires bathe in blood? Think of your favorite food or drink. Do you love it so much that you'd want to buy a month's supply and swim around in it? I love goat cheese, but I have no desire to use it as a shaving cream substitute.
Maybe you're thinking, "No, the story of this photo shoot is that he's the vampire and he bites her, and that's her
blood all over the bathtub." To which I would counter: that makes it even worse, because he's wasting all the blood ... unless
he plans on Zamboni-ing the bottom of the bathtub, which he's NOT
, because vampires, even the less dignified of them (hi, Twilight
!) don't lick blood out of basins like pathetic zombie cats.
What am I even saying? Vampires don't exist (sorry, Twilight
!) and this photo shoot is the worst, regardless of its demented logic. Because it actually looked less like "vampire bath time," and more like "explosive menstruation nightmare time" and "home birth video shown for birth control purposes time" thanks to poses like this
There is literally no caption I could write for this that would not immediately send me to Gross-out Jail for a well-deserved life sentence. Drama:
Brenda got a new haircut that made her look even more like Ziggy Stardust, and, in her sadistic pleasure over the event, Krista revealed that Voldemort lives in her face:
Later, Alasia left her frozen pea and corn medley out on the counter for too long, and Anslee FREAKED THE EFF OUT ABOUT IT, and then Alasia called her a bad mother, and then they pointed at each other and screamed. A LOT. All the while Angelea, who is also your Jewish grandmother in this scene, stood in the middle and munched on Doritos:
Needless to say, this was the highlight of the episode.
I felt like this about most of the bloody photos:
But Tyra felt like this:
Once again, Alasia won over the judges for her ability to morph between clueless psychopath and modeling prodigy:
got first photo call-out for the second week in a row, with RAINA
joining her in the well-deserved runner-up spot.
It came down to ANSLEE
, Professor of Frozen Food Longevity at Holier Than Thou University, and SIMONE
, actual hapless sophomore at Duke University, in the bottom two:
Shockingly, Simone was eliminated for "holding back" her modeling energy, while Tyra and her judges decided to keep Anslee, who releases negative energy wherever she goes. (Hint toward understanding: one of these makes for better TV.)Next Week
: Jessica straddles Nigel and says "Let's get naked!" (Wait. What?) and Anslee misses her daughter. Will she pull a Ren and blow this Ty-sicle stand?