After last week's America's Next Top Model
premiere, a 90-minute mash of casting calls, makeovers and a tiny sliver of drama on the side (I believe the scientific term is a "fustercluck"), who even knew
what we were going to get in this 90-minute episode?
I didn't. You didn't. The models and the judges didn't, clearly, because the editing made them look CRAZY busy. Which was actually reassuring, because I didn't feel alone in my confusion that the format of this show used to be challenge-photo shoot-elimination, but now it's photo shoot-elimination-challenge-photo shoot-elimination? But only for this week? Naduwhaaaa? Tonight everybody was like skinny chickens with their heads chopped off, which is a shame because there was a BRAND NEW weave on that head, and now it's all dirty and dead.
What I'm trying to say is that there were two photo shoots, a runway challenge, one big fight, two eliminations, and about six billion adjectives spoken by Andre Leon Talley in an hour and a half
. Tyra, you crazy for this one!
This episode was all about timing. Okay, maybe a fourth of it was about timing. It was also about looking good naked. And then it was about looking good wet while spraying purple Power Ranger goo all over your neck. And also about learning how to take off a coat! And then about "dreckitude," whatever that
means. (Apparently it means "being a wreck." Okay? That is total ponsense
, you guys. I mean, switching one letter in a word but making it mean the same thing is just frazy,
you know? But it's Andre Leon Talley, who gets to wear circus tents as clothes and have rooms in his house that no one else in the world has--"c'est un salON!"
--so it's okay. It's really, really okay. It's more than okay. It's ukay
So, here's what happened in America's Next Top Model
cycle 14, episode 2, "Dreckitude!" It would be a St. Patrick's Day miracle and also a CURSE if I covered it all, so I'll only cover the good bits. And you'll click your little leprechaun heels together and be happy about it.
Tyra made a new America's Next Top Model intro!
America's Next Top Model is available on Amazon Prime.
It's very "edgy" and "cool." Long story short, it's a music video about a pair of Siamese twin Japanese sex robots with lasers where their cold, inhuman breasts should be:
But this show is, always has been, and always will be about the contestants, which is why they get the prime focus in this new intro:
HAHA, just kidding. It's all about TYRAAAAAA! What show did you think you were watching? Photo Shoot #1:
The girls learned they would need to be naked except for one article or accessory, and so they took out their rage on the poor mannequin, who wasn't even doing anything but just standing there
, innocently smizing and being generally fierce.
STOP DOING OUR JOB BETTER THAN WE CAN!!!!
Angelea thought she would rock the photo shoot, and to everyone's total dismay, she succeeded in looking like a woman. There goes my theory that she was actually supposed to be on Ru Paul's Drag Race
. In fact, almost everyone did well looking pretty naked (weird, they're models) except for Alasia, whom Jay said "looked lost" (and a liiiittle
special, since she had her vest on backwards), and Gabrielle, who was dead in the eyes. Revive, your eyes, Gabrielle! Because your hair is incredible
Look, it's Andre Leon Talley! This is the only shot of him during the entire episode when he wasn't talking:
The judges look over each girl's naked picture. Andre Leon Talley weaves analogies like he's... some famous writer who uses lots of analogies!
Ren looks like a "woodland nymph" who wears a crystal vase as a hat. Raina looks a 19th century courtesan who is used to "big men, big lovers, big rings, big houses, big MONAAAAAY." Krista looks like a 1960's mannequin, and Alasia looks like a woman in a beautiful photograph that just SCREAMS to be hung in Andre's (or any normal human being's for that matter since we all have them, duh) SALON!
But where Andre sees beauty, the other judges see a crazy girl standing backwards with a backwards vest on, showing off her bare bottom to the camera like the backwards-version of the Coppertone kid. Hmmm. Subjectivity!
Tyra then announces that, this cycle, each photo shoot winner will also win a prize during the next challenge, regardless of how well or poorly she does in the challenge. Which is cool, I guess, because now getting first photo actually means something! Besides that you're winning.
After judges' deliberation, first photo goes to... JESSICA
Angelea is runner-up, and then the others file in one by one, until the bottom two... GABRIELLE and ALASIA.
The judges decide they'd rather feel uncomfortable than feel nothing,
and so they eliminate GABRIELLE.
Bye, Gabrielle! Project "Learn Good Timing or Die":
We never really got to know you. But I will miss your hair.
Miss J gathers the girls for a lesson in runway walking. First they learn how to pace a walk while taking off a coat, and then he tests them... by sending them out into traffic! With real cars. "Your beauty should be able to stop traffic," he says. Ha, ha, OKAY. Get ready for some Meet Joe Black
style bus accidents... NOW:
Just kidding. Nobody dies. ANTICLIMACTIC!Runway Challenge of DOOM:
Miss J greets the girls the next day (or week, or whatever) and tells them they'll be walking in a runway show for designer Rachel Roy, and their timing will need to be PERFECT, because there will be spiky cannon balls and rings of fire falling all over the runway, and the floor will be made of molten lava. Also, there will be sharks.
Actually, there are just two pendulums that will swing back and forth. But everyone is worried that they will get knocked off the runway and be embarrassed for LIFE! As they should be, or at least one of them should be, because that's exactly what happens to Alexandra:
Miss J is like, "Oh no!" but he's smiling, so it's okay, everybody! It's okay to laugh at Alexandra for falling. TWICE. That's right: she also fell walking down the stairs. Double yikes!
America's Next Total FAIL. Have a nice trip, Alexandra! See you next time your dreams outstretch your abilities! And so forth.
Brenda wins the runway challenge for being pretty and walking upright, so she gets to keep her dress. Jessica also gets to keep her dress. It's getting super SWAG-y up in here!
Later, Ren and Alasia get in a fight because Ren thinks Alasia is too loud (she is), and Alasia thinks Ren is a too-cool-for-school jerkface (she pretty much is). It's a classic case of black female pirate versus member of Dexy's Midnight Runners:
AVAST YE, EILEEN!
Ren told Alasia to "shut the f*** up" because she is literally always yelling
, whereas Alasia retorts with, "WATCH OUT! I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP!" Yep. Totally comparable threats against each other's lives, ladies. Keep it up!
Photo Shoot #2: The "Beauty" Shot
OH YEAH, there's another one. And it's even more ridiculous. The girls have to model this "hot new fragrance" that sprays purple all over your body when you put it on. Ha, ha, OKAY, AGAIN! And to make matters uglier, they will be sprayed with wind and rain while they vandalize their throats with violet goo and try to look pretty.
It's "beauty" shot time! How do I look???Elimination #2:
We're in full speed now, only 20 minutes left and no time to waste! But first, more analogies: Alasia looks like she's selling "the smell of whoop ass," Angelea looks like a wet cat, Naduah looks like a cliche, Ren looks like swine flu, Brenda looks like a shot on Vogue's reject floor, and Raina looks like a wolf.
Only that last one is in a good way.
BUY MY PURPLE JUICE. AH-WOOOOOOOOO!
gets first call-out for best photo of the week. KRISTA is her runner-up.
Then, the bottom two: REN and NADUAH.
The judges think both girls are "edgy," but only one of them seems able to translate that edginess to film, and it's.... not NADUAH
. So, she's gone. Ren's face says, "I wish it was me." (Especially because earlier in the episode she basically said she wanted to quit. Oops!)
Bye, bye, baldy! Next week: Toccara Jones (ANTM Season 3) comes to visit!
I will miss your bare head, your pretty face, your crazy cult stories that didn't add up and your ever-changing accent. I still think you are probably a spy.