America's Next Top Model Recap: Too Many Proud Peacocks of the Walk
America's Next Top Model Recap: Too Many Proud Peacocks of the Walk
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Tonight on America's Next Top Not Tall (At All) Model, Tyra teaches the girls to runway walk and look as tall as possible.

But first, Bianca starts us off. Again. She laments her place in the bottom 2 last week. Again. And she vows to never be in the bottom 2 again. AGAIN. (I'm getting the most amazing sense of deja vu right now. Is this real life? Where am I?)

Oh, here's something new that she says! "The thing that I know I need to work on is my face."

Ashley is also upset with herself after last week's elimination. As you may recall, her final shot was the lighting shot, when she was doing nothing except standing and looking at the camera.

But she's less worried about her dancer-ish tension, and more worried about Bianca. This episode is about the systematic character assassination of Ashley and Lulu, both of whom in the first three episodes seemed sweet and unassuming. No more! Now they're just a team of haters: Ashley is the righteous, mud-raking beeeeyitch, and Lulu is her devoted crony-in-crime.

ashley-lulugray.jpgNow Nicole notices that Ashley and Lulu spend most of their time criticizing everyone else in the house, and she wants no part of it, even though she (and others) spend quite a bit of time sitting near them and listening to their "negativity" without piping in. But, no matter! Because it's time for

Which reads: "How old were you when you learned to walk?"

Runway Teach:
The girls head to "The Conga Room," where Miss J introduces a little 9-year-old runway model named "Diva Davanna," who is surely never going to have attitude and body-image issues growing up, seeing as she's already been in 200+ fashion shows and seems to never, EVER smile.
I could never have that much discipline at 9 years old if there wasn't a Polly Pocket and packet of Pop Rocks in my immediate future. Tiny Diva shows the girls how to walk and twirl and be a stern little princess, and now it's their turn to show what they've got.

And Brittany is like, "I realize how mathematical I am about everything, so I really need to be sexy when I walk!" Or something. Usually when she walks, she's busy thinking about the cosine of her knee angle and the quotient of her math superiority complex divided by her tendency to make no damn sense as a function of time. Yuck.

Anyway, the girls receive criticism from Miss J on each of their walks:

  • Jennifer: needs better timing
  • Nicole: shouldn't arch her back
  • Sundai: looks bored to death and lacks presence
  • Lulu: hunched and shy, too-short steps
  • Brittany: she's got 'something there'
  • Erin: walks as though her right leg isn't hers
  • Kara: juts out her chin too much
  • Bianca: is a bit too 'controlled'
  • Ashley: walks like a dancer, needs more sexiness
  • Laura: gives 'a little extra' (that's a good thing)

Lulu vows that she will never change her signature "walk," which is really more of a mosey.

Back at the Tyra Mansion:
Bianca is feeling down because she misses Courtney, and Sundai tells her that Courtney was only Bianca's friend because of Lulu... but wait, Lulu is Ashley's sidekick, who hates Bianca? This makes no sense. I can't even tell who is supposed to be the bitch here. (Whatever. You don't really want me to parse this out, do you?) What matters is that Bianca is now Bummed-anca, and Ashley literally tells her to "put your eyebrows down." Which also makes no sense, because that's what Tyra did two weeks ago. She took a bucket of bleach and Bianca's eyebrows out behind the shed, and she PUT THOSE SUCKERS DOWN. For good. But that's not the point. The point is that ANTM doesn't want us to understand what is happening in this bizarre little social circle, all they want us to know is

"If you don't walk tall, then you'll come up short."

The girls continue to practice their runway walks, and Ashley and Lulu "help" Brittany work on hers. Which means they cut her down over things like her eyes, which are too "piercing." (Oh my god, your eyes... they're stabbing me with emotion! Put those things away before you kill someone with the evocation of your feelings!)

This explains Lulu's rather blank stare in every photo. It's a public safety service.

Runway Challenge:
The girls arrive at a mansion, which is the location for their fashion show. Each of them will be walking in tandem with a model who is over 5'10'', so the goal today (hint: it's the same goal as every other challenge) is to look as tall as possible.

The winner of the challenge will star in an "advertorial" in Seventeen magazine! That might qualify as a great prize, if "advertorial" weren't a made-up word for advertisements trying to trick you into thinking their editorial pages. Kind of like how Seventeen is tricking these models into thinking that providing the magazine free modeling for their ad pages is a "prize"!

Each girl heads out on the runway with her very own BFG, and the highlights:
  • Sundai held her own, even though she is shortest.
  • Brittany is standing tall, and says she felt fierce.
  • Lulu thinks her walk is "elegant," which I guess means lazy, because Miss J thinks she looks sleepy.
  • Laura is, as ever, the biggest ray of sunshine in the whole wide ol' world. I seriously love her so much I almost can't stand it.

Miss J and Anne Shoket of Seventeen greet the girls after, and critique their walks. Anne FINALLY provides what I've been waiting for: the first use of the word "stumpy" in reference to a model! That model is Bianca, who they thought looked too controlled. Lulu and Ashley also get criticized for a lack of energy and wiggle-hips (respectively), and Brittany wins the day for looking great and "thinking tall."

She picks Laura and Kara to help her model prom dresses in a special photo shoot, where they let Brittany try on Bret's hair helmet from Flight of the Conchords:

Side note: Kara's got a crazzzzzy eye that comes out when she gets crazy excited about something! Like prom photos!

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