Welcome back, America's Next Top Model
fans! It's Cycle 14, can you believe it? And, just like you and I back when we were 14, the show is going through some "changes." Such as: the first two episodes will be 90 minutes long (because Tinsley Mortimer said so), and, more importantly, Vogue
's Andre Leon Talley will be the newest judge behind Tyra's table. Take our new personality quiz: Which America's Next Top Model Judge Are You?
Are these exciting changes? Sure. Change is fun. Especially when it involves someone who wears so many ponchos
Are they maturing changes? Of course not. Tyra is still Tyra, and no Vogue
editor can keep her from her beloved monster-face-making, human-straddling, screaming-for-no reason ANTM
traditions. And Andre also can't keep her from picking the weirdest, wackiest "models" to stick into weaves and a house together, because he wasn't present at the final casting decisions.
And it's a good thing he was absent, too, because Tyra is so super hip that she modeled (heh) this cycle's casting process after Facebook. "Status: Pending!" "Work on your Net-Walk!"
"Upload your profile pic to the chat room..." You get the idea. The idea is that it's terrible
In the cycle 14 premiere, we met Tyra's lucky 13, witnessed their "fierce" makeovers, and watched them move into their NYC loft, cutting just short of their first photo shoot. That's right: no photo shoot, no elimination, and no runway challenge in the premiere. What we DID get, however, were vivid introductions to these 13 aspiring clotheshangers. And, shocker of the century, some of them need therapy, some of them need anger management, and all of them are unintentionally hilarious!Check out Tyra's final 13, and each of their shining moments before they fully dive into "Fierceland" next week. (Tyra's word, not mine.)
1. Alasia: "I'm not gonna say I grew up in the hood, but I grew up in the hood."
America's Next Top Model is available on Amazon Prime.
Alasia showed up to casting with a chinchilla headcozy on her head. While the removal of her Goodwill wig was a blessing for her appearance, the wig also seemed to hold magical powers of personal restraint, as immediately after its disapperance, Alasia began picking fights with almost everyone for no particular reason. She also revealed she told her teachers she needed to leave school for a "family matter," and eventually realized that when they saw her on TV
, they'd figure out her lies.2. Alexandra: "I was six feet tall in the 8th grade."
Alexandra (otherwise known as the B.F.G.) misunderstood Jay's instructions to imitate a supermodel in their casting photo shoot, and drew a melanoma on her face to impersonate Cindy Crawford. Instead, she ended up impersonating everyone's great aunt Mildred. She even threw in a "dead in the eyes" look for good measure. Sexy!3. Angelea: "I'm classy ghetto."
Angelea considers herself "misunderstood," because for some entirely unfounded* and inexplicable** reason, nobody likes her! Could it be her patented "Bitch, please" look that she gives to people she's "not feeling," or could it be that she also considers herself to be "the bitch" when it comes to modeling? Who knows!**** Totally founded.
** Very easily explained.
*** I know! It's because she says things that make no sense and doles out dirty looks indiscriminately.
4. Anslee: "It's gonna be awful if they cut all my hair off!"
Which they promptly did. But, fortunately for Anslee, her shorter, blonder haircut will make poses like this one look more "high fashion" and less "high at Burning Man."5. Brenda: "I need to reprogram my mind."
Her hair died. Brenda cried. The reason for this massacre of mane? Tyra said she wanted to take this redhead out of the 80's. Which shocked this writer, since Brenda's new crop makes her the spitting image of Ziggy Stardust. She's also adopted, which means she could presumably be David Bowie's long-lost daughter. 6. Gabrielle: "Whatever you want me to be, I am."
She's half-black, half-German, and has very pretty hair. She also has the most working knowledge of the fashion sense, which means Jay Manuel wanted to put her in his skirt pocket and pet her curly mane all day long. 7. Jessica: "I'm very fertile."
Pregnant at 16, married at 17, and living in the Top Model house at 18. She may not look like it, but Jessica is actually Benjamin Button. 8. Krista: "I don't wanna date white boys. It kinda scares me to see a pink penis. It makes me think of raw meat."
That quote is absolute perfection. Krista's synthetic horse mane (courtesy of Tyra), however, is an all-out tragedy.
9. Naduah: "I was raised in a cult."
Naduah was raised in a cult. (See above.) But I think that's just a cover story for her real job: spy. She has a shaved head (easier to put on wigs), an ambiguous accent, and moves around a lot. Will she succeed in infiltrating Tyra's compound and deactivating the WMDs (weapons of mass delusion) in time? One thing's for sure: I've been watching too many Alias
DVDs!10. Raina: "I had a huge unibrow."
Raina is rocking the Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon
look, and she's so beautiful it makes me want to weep. That is all I know about her, and that is all I feel I need to know to make this declaration: I totally, absolutely, balls-to-the-wall, but-in-a-totally-uncreepy-way, hetero-LOVE her.11. Ren: "I don't shave my armpits."
Ren calls herself a "free bird who can't be caged," and supports women's rights by letting her armpit hair grow. (While, I might add, going on a TV show about using your physical beauty to sell products designed to increase physical beauty. Feminism! It's complicated
.) She was Tyra's mysterious 13th model find, a shining, special snowflake who has yet to look non-hungover on camera.
12. Simone: "My two life goals are to be a Victoria's Secret model, or Hillary Clinton."
Her third life goal was probably not to look like she recently had brain surgery, but that's too bad! It's called "fashion forward," Simone, and your future constituents will totally forgive this confusing stage of your life when you run for office
in 30 years
never!13. Tatianna: "I'm actually a volunteer mortician."
There's definitely a joke here about how Tatianna embalms people for a living, and how so many healthy hair strands had to die to make this terrible, brassy blonde dye-job possible, but I am too busy thinking all too sincerely about how bad her hair looks to actually make that joke.