We will find out the answer to that question after an hour and fifty-five minutes of (presumably) crap. Crap that I will watch for you, so that you can fast-forward or tune in at 9:55/8:55c to find out who wins. Results shows, what are you going to do.
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After the standard review of what happened last night, the four final acts are trotted out on stage for our review. BUT THEN, Prince Poppycock performed a medley with Donna Summer and it was epic insanity.
I like to pretend that someone was just flipping through the channels and found this with no prior knowledge. They would either find it incredibly strange, or the best thing they'd ever seen (although if they were watching TV in Europe it would be just any other program. European TV is nuts).
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But it wouldn't be a results show with the painful "What's Poppin'" lounge segment. I shed a tear, for it was the last one of the season! But then the cast of "Love" by Cirque du Soleil performed and I recovered very quickly. It was fun to watch, even though I was never quite sure what was happening or why. But such is Cirque du Soleil.
Next up is a duet between Michael Grimm and "his hero" Jewel. Just between you and me, I don't think he picked Jewel, I think it just happened.
They sounded good, but as far as confusing match-ups go, AGT is two for two tonight. I'm interested to see who Jackie Evancho performs with (Sting would be awesome, but it will probably be Justin Bieber or something equally disappointing). And what is Fighting Gravity going to do?
Fighting Gravity is performing with Lionel Richie. What? I don't think anyone involved knew why.
The first lyric of Richie's "Dancing on the Ceiling" is "what is happening here?" and I couldn't agree more. Still, the performance was worthy of Universal Studios Orlando. And was that a pre-recorded video of FIghting Gravity behind Lionel Richie? Booooo. Lionel Richie became "an honorary member of Fighting Gravity" when the frat guys did as frat guys do and gave out a t-shirt.
Then a Nick Cannon montage happened. The introductions were passed off as candid banter and it was uncomfortable. But then Sponjetta came back! I can die happy. I don't care what happens, Sponjetta wins the night. She should (obviously) team up with Studio One Young Beast Society. But instead (and this really happened) Sponjetta teamed up with T-Pain.
She clearly had no idea it was happening, either, which made it possibly the best moment of the season.
Next, a montage of the best worst auditions. As though we needed a reminder what we struggled through so many months ago. Then the All-Stars (of Fail) performed "I Gotta Feeling" because we all wanted to see them again (no).
We went from an all-time high to an all new low.
Jackie Evancho performs with her actual hero, Sarah Brightman. This obviously wins best duo.
Also, the opera people will have to sound off here, but one of the ones I know likes Sarah Brightman. She is a nutball, though. Oddly, Sarah Brightman encouraged Jackie Evancho to "save and preserve" her voice. Hmmmm.
Judge montage, followed by a joke involving the presence of Future Funk. Feh.
David Copperfield is still performing (at least on this show). Maybe he'll make David Blaine disappear? A girl can dream. He appeared inside a box on a motorcycle ("those are still cool, right?"), confused our bodies, then trimmed his down to about a foot. It was cool! Cooler than Goo Goo Dolls, who opened with "Slide" to remind us who they are.
We got to see a week in the lives of the Final Four, which was actually pretty cool. I liked seeing the acts react to each others' performances backstage, and everyone having trouble waking up early except Jackie Evancho. But it's time for the first result (wake up!).
Prince Poppycock is in fourth place. This is a letdown but, after last night's performance, not a total shock. He made it further than most of us thought he would.
The act in third place is Fighting Gravity. I'm a little surprised, I thought it would come down to Fighting Gravity and Jackie Evancho, despite the fact that they peaked a few weeks back. So it's down to Michael Grimm and Jackie Evancho! I'll be happy for whoever wins.
Usher was great, as usual. Did you see his performance on the VMAs? It was so cool. I bet he didn't like Nick Cannon calling him "URSHER" repeatedly though.
So who will win the million dollars and a headlining spot on the tour? If Michael Grimm wins, he'll probably use the money for something totally noble and awesome. If Jackie Evancho wins, she will probably donate to a charity or an animal shelter, then buy a pony because WHY NOT. We know Michael Grimm a little better, having seen him from the early audition rounds, but Jackie Evancho has had America's vote since YouTube week when she surprised everyone. I think Jackie will win, but I will happily purchase Michael Grimm's latest album on iTunes.
I literally gasped and went "WHAAAT?" He looked as surprised as the rest of us. He had a "David After Dentist" moment, asking "is this real?" So Jackie Evancho is the next Susan Boyle, a fan favorite who ended up in second place. This was actually pretty exciting.
What do you think of the results? I was so sure Jackie Evancho was going to win but I'm so happy for Michael Grimm. Grimmlins rejoice! Don't be mad, you guys, it's just a TV show. What did you think of this season? Also, I have an opportunity to ask the winner a question or two tomorrow morning for a conference call, what question(s) should I ask Michael Grimm?
(image courtesy of NBC)