Woohoo, the next city is Seattle, aka my city. Nick Cannon dodges some flying fish at the Pike Place Market. Hopefully these auditions go better than So You Think You Can Dance
's Seattle auditions. Actually, it's being held in Tacoma, but to anyone not living here, it's the same thing.
The first man up is some Idaho performer with dreams of wowing the world. He seems innocent until he takes a fish hook and feeds it through his nose so it passes to his mouth, then he lets it dangle and picks up a heavy weight and swings it around. Next he puts a drill in his nose. OK, now I'm won over, because this dude is amazingly talented, and he can allegedly also do everything from sword swallowing to yo-yo work. Sharon is a party pooper, but the men recognize talent when they see it.
He's followed by a bunch of freaks, but one in particular surprised me. One guy played the accordion and sang a chicken polka, and somehow he was buzzed out. That is so much more impressive than some of the crap they've put through, and I want more of the Chicken Polka Man!
After the freaks leave, three sweet tween sisters show up to brighten things up. The EriAm Sisters want to be the next Destiny's Child. In other words, one will become super famous, one will go on to co-host a Bravo fashion show, and one will constantly be replaced. They're actually very good, but to me it sounds like there was some funny business with the dubbing, because it doesn't seem like they're really singing live. I think we have our first ringers.
They're followed by some high-flying gymnasts and an urban choir. I don't want to be accused of being a racist, but it seems like if you're a group of young black kids, preferably siblings, who either sing or do some form of urban hip-hop dancing, you will make it to Las Vegas, guaranteed.
Next up is David Johnson, who plays the guitar and sings a song about a crush he has on one of the stars of Baywatch
. They make us think it's about Pamela Anderson, but obviously this is a song all about his love for David Hasselhoff. He also mocks some of the Hoff's acting choices. Despite buzzing him early, the Hoff says yes because he's an obscene narcissist. Proving that this is the dumbest show ever, Piers, the other judge who buzzed him, agrees to send David Johnson to Las Vegas.
No, I'm being serious, the dude who wrote the stupid, silly song about being in love with David Hasselhoff made it to the next round. That's how dumb America's Got Talent
Things get even creepier than a 30-year-old man who wants to spoon the Hoff when a pair of aging soulmates who look and act like what happens to a married porn star couple after they've passed their prime years. They spin around in a hoop and do some aerial work. Nick Cannon is thinking of getting one for his bedroom. Be careful Nick, you wouldn't want Mariah to break a hip. Sharon vows that if Piers says yes, she'll swing in the hoop with him later. So he says yes, so now Seattle has sent three freak shows to Las Vegas (four if you count fire dancers).
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America's Got Talent is available on Amazon Prime.