Welcome, ladies and gents, to the first live results show of Season 9 on America's Got Talent
. We've whittled the field down to our top 48 (which is just short of the number of members in The Willis Clan), and now it's time to whittle it down some more.
Twelve acts came to play in the first performances of the quarterfinals on Tuesday, and many thanks to Catherine for admirably filling in these last two recaps. Several of those who hit the stage excelled -- I'm looking at you, Emily West. You killed it, just like during Judgment Week -- but others fell quite flat and short of expectations.
America's Got Talent is available on Amazon Prime.
Strongman JD Anderson confuses me in a non-entertaining sort of way (and his bunched-up junk in that unitard disturbs me), David Leeman took entirely too long to finish a trick that didn't blow my mind, and Julia Goodwin put together an awful arrangement of a hidden-message song. Tappers Sean and Luke would be an amazingly unfair advancement. They're fine, but not my cup of tea.
And those of you who have been following along in recent years know my disdain for kid Salsa dancers. Don't care how good they are. They're creepy and should be allowed to make these kinds of decisions for themselves once they're older. Fan dancers I can tolerate a bit more, and I think those girls might have a shot based on the quality of the competition.
Then there's the shoo-ins. In addition to Emily West, we've got Miguel Dakota's sex appeal and Flight Crew Jump Rope's energy. They're not quite as good as last season's jump ropers, The Chicago Boyz and the dude who shattered his ankle and just kept hopping, but they're still at the top of the list in these quarterfinals.
That leaves Partridge Family ripoffs, Dan Naturman
's haircut and acrobats Valo and Bobby to determine if the world is a just place or not. Hint: It's not. That means somebody is going through who doesn't deserve it, but that's for America to decide. On to the results!
Remember, the blog is live, so keep those comments coming at the bottom. Let me know who you think deserves to advance, and stick around for the results. Then, sound off on whether or not you agree. We all know these results shows are mostly filler, so let's fill the gaps with conversation.
The Live Blog Begins
For some reason, Nick Cannon is loving the turtlenecks this season. But I have to say, it's the perfect complement to his plaid suit. Because if you're going to wear a plaid suit, why not wear it with a turtleneck?
Enrique Iglesias, celebrating the anniversary of his face mole removal, will be performing, and the judges are all putting their best, uh, assets on the table. Mel B and her ta-tas are nervous that more than half the acts are going home, and then there's a recap of Tuesday's performances.
This recap takes place three minutes into a show that follows a one-hour recap of Tuesday's performances. Which aired less than 24 hours after those performances actually took place. Like I said, fillllllllllller. Like those extra L's fill up space in that word.
The First Results
Instead of finding out what's popping in the Orville Redenbacher Lounge, this year's post-show is sponsored by Reddi Wip whipped cream. Equally as irrelevant, yet the forced party of competitors crammed into a tiny room while vying for only a few coveted spots in the next round rages on.
First up to learn their fate are Valo and Bobby, Emily West and Jasmine Flowers. Nick has been practicing his elongated pauses, as this one stretches over 20 seconds, before the first results are revealed.
Emily West is in the semifinals
The judges are pleased that America is one for one so far, but I'm sure that won't last very long.
Howie Annoys the Judges
Because even when the show is only an hour, we need to waste time. During the auditions, Howie picks up the judges on a Starline bus and gives them a tour of the Hollywood sights and sounds. Howie stops to admire his star on the Walk of Fame, and Howard tells the bus driver to leave him there.
Then, the judges discuss how they were annoyed. Then we're treated to a clip of Jimmy Fallon peeking up Heidi's skirt as they practice dive rolls on The Tonight Show. Hey, JD Strongman, can I take a turn trying to dive through your ice blocks? I would gladly fail.
Now it's Enrique's turn to wow us. He's joined by Sean Paul and some other dudes, and they dance around and sing "Contigo" in both Spanish and English. My favorite part is when he sings, "I need your love," and makes a little heart shape with his fingers. Only he's holding the microphone, so it more resembles an actual human heart. And it's for that reason that I love Enrique Iglesias. Because he could be loving you tonight. But instead, he's f--king you tonight. Better hope it's the clean version that's playing in the waiting room of your dentist's office.
On to more results!
Two More Acts Advance
Next out is Dan Naturman, The Willis Clan and Sean and Luke. Only one of them is advancing, and I wonder if we're doing four groups of three with one act advancing, then taking one out of the eight that didn't make it the first go-round.
Nick makes us wait and wait and wait and wait (next time I'm going to see how many times I can type that during his pause) before making the announcement.
Dan Naturman is in the semifinals
Howie Mandel calls Dan "this generation's Woody Allen," which is loftier praise than most anyone deserves, but we'll see what he can do in the next round.
Julia Goodwin, JD Anderson and Miguel Dakota are next to learn their fate, and gee, I wonder what will happen.
Nick makes us wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait.
Miguel Dakota is in the semifinals
There would have been more "and waits," but I spelled "wait" wrong twice and had to backspace. Miguel is so humble that even more women rip off their underwear and toss it on stage. He chooses to keep wearing his beanie, though, leaving Naturman to gather the remnants for his personal collection.
Time is running thin, so we've to get through the rest quickly. First up are the three YouTube acts vying for the 48th and final spot in the quarterfinals. I'm hoping for the domino kids, but then again, I loved the Rube Goldberg guy last year and thought he got the short of America's stick.
Matt Lauer and Savannah Guthrie are in the house to announce the winner.
Punjabi dancer group Cornell Bhangra is in the quarterfinals
We get a cutaway to the dancers erupting in cheers when they heard the news at some other place and time. More results.
David and Leeman, Baila Conmigo and Flight Crew Jump Rope are the last group to learn their fates.
David and Leeman are in the semifinals
What the??? And there's the "unjust" part I talked about earlier.
As for the last spot, there's no hope for the previous acts that weren't picked. It's just down to Baila Conmigo and Flight Crew Jump Rope, and it's the judges' call. Methinks some acrobats are about to get shafted in favor of some creepy kid dancers.
Heidi really loves both of them, but she's going with Baila Conmigo. Mel B initially labeled the dancers her favourite (British spelling), but then she saw the jump ropers and decided to pull for the underdog Flight Crew.
Howie goes with the dancers after listing a bunch of reasons why he should pick the jump ropers, and it's all down to Howard Stern. As the credits roll, America's judge goes with the creepy kid dancers, and the white version of the Chicago Boyz is sent home.
It's expected, but not appreciated. But then again, it wouldn't be America's Got Talent if I didn't get another week to talk about how much I dislike large groups of Salsa dancing children.
Do you agree with the eliminations? Did any of the acts get screwed over? And which ones would you pull for if there is a wildcard round?
It looks like we're cranking up the talent next week, with several favorites expected to take the stage. Scheduled to perform are Jacob Curlee; Aerial Animation; Livy, Matt and Sammy (who I now despise for making me replace all these commas with semicolons); Mat Franco; John and Andrew; Loop Ralwins; Andreay Moraru; Act II; Juan Carlos (still can't believe this); Hart Dance Team; Mara Justine and Darik Santos.
Be sure to tune in to BuddyTV's live blog and watch along with us! See you then.
America's Got Talent airs Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 9pm on NBC.
(Image courtesy of NBC)