America's Got Talent
kicked off its auditions tapings this week in Seattle, and they might be traveling to a city near you soon
. If that's the case, I highly recommend attending a show, as I did last night. Picture a really high production value middle school talent show: Seemingly endless, involving countless moments of embarrassing disaster, but also some real gems--of both unintentional hilarity and, yes, genuine talent. And it was FREE!Plus, now that I've been to one, I can truthfully say all of these things:10.
"Yes, Nick Cannon is
that beautiful in person. And he's stunning in lime green
"Once, I was a part of the best audience ever in the history of the world. Just ask the MC who told us that a thousand times throughout the show!"8.
"Booing and heckling are not as fun when you're forced to do them by a director. Neither are clapping, chanting, or screaming, "HOW-IE! HOW-IE!" I know this from experience."
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"Remember that time when an 81-year-old tap dancer in a glittery top hat got booed off the stage? Yeah, that was awful. What's wrong with humanity?"6.
"Yes, Howie Mandel's head is
that shiny. I got it from a bird's eye view once and it almost blinded me."5.
"There are not enough acts that include men in zebra costumes jumping rope. Trust me on this
"Did you know there are people whose hobby it is to write songs for dead people? I saw one perform live this one time. She sang to Piers Morgan like she was at his funeral, and there was a video montage. The funny thing is that I
"If you're single, one good place to never get a date is in the audience of an America's Got Talent
auditions taping. But that won't stop the MC from trying to play matchmaker for everyone within shouting distance of him!"2.
"Deep down, even if they won't admit it, everyone
thinks they can sing. Just a little bit. EV. ERY. OOOONE."1.
"After doing some research, I have concluded that America does, in fact, "got" talent. But it's more of a sprinkling
than a generous or even distribution."
Bonus! 3 Things I wanted to say to Nick Cannon if I got the chance to meet him (but I did not, tragically):
"I loved you in Monster House
as the voice of Officer Lester." 2.
"WHEN WILL WE GET DRUMLINE 2
"I loved you in Mariah Carey."
America's Got Talent
returns to NBC this summer. Watch out for me far, far up in the balcony of the Seattle auditions. I'm the one looking horrified at the angry mob of grown ups around me, booing and making Xs out of their arms. America may got talent, but we sure don't got manners.(Image courtesy of NBC)