Perez Hilton's Bid as 'American Idol' Judge: His Ultimate Plan Is...
Surely you've seen Perez Hilton's video on Funny or Die yesterday, where he officially launched his bid to be Simon Cowell's replacement on American Idol.

Let's consider his points.

"My track record for judging others is unmatched."
Do not underestimate the power of Photoshop's airbrush function. Or even Paint, just Paint.

"I'm fiercely honest." Yes, in fact you're too honest sometimes.

"I can also be wacky and affable." Yes, but don't compare yourself to Ellen--she hasn't been wacky yet. Wednesday night was Kara's night and she had a punchline.

"I can be energetically neutral." Is Randy energetically neutral?

"I breathe and take up space." So you're suggesting you replace both Simon and Kara? I'm sure the Kara haters would love that idea as much as you do.

"I can be unstable in a very entertaining way." You want to replace Simon, Kara and Paula? Yes, that is unstable in a very entertaining way. Maybe initially, for later you'll be a throwback to the cancelled Dollhouse merged with Alex Lambert's I-wanna-go-to-the-loo performance this week.

"I'm a gay man, and nobody has snarky opinions on singing like a proud homo."
Well, we don't really need snarky all the time, but if we're to lose the same Simon Cowell who routinely calls performances "horrible" then we might as well get the next best thing, right?

Perez's ultimate plan? Be the only judge on American Idol. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

On second thought, I'd rather have Perez as the only judge on American Idol. Consider the alternative: Howard Stern? I'd rather have a proud homo.

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