'American Idol' Season 9: Atlanta Auditions (Page 2/2)
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Jesse Hamilton
He's from Alabama and has almost died three times.  The show then does cheap reenactments of those close calls with crappy banjo music, and I thank you, American Idol.  I felt a bit guilty about hating Vanessa, but now this show has been even more offensive to country bumpkins than I ever could be.  When he forgets the lyrics, Mary J. Blige has an uncontrollable fit of laughter.  By minute 10 of this abomination, it becomes less funny and more sad and pathetic, until he's finally gone.  I honestly don't understand why the show mocks this guy and yet paints a sweet portrait of Vanessa.

Holly Harden
She's dressed as a giant guitar.  Basically, she's Kellie Pickler, only twice as annoying, if that's possible.  I would like to lock her up in a trunk, except when she sings, it's completely different from what it looks like, because the girl can actually sing.  If she didn't dress up like a guitar, it would be an instant yes.  Instead, she has to wait a bit, but miraculously, annoying Guitar Girl STILL makes it to Hollywood.  Wow, I did not see that coming.

Bad Boys Montage
One guy barks like cat, according to Simon Cowell, and another named Blake Smith sings Britney Spears while wearing cut-off jeans.  I wonder if he's a Never Nude.

Mallory Haley
For the first time in season 9, I actually like someone.  Mallory sings the crap out of "Piece of My Heart" with a ton of confidence, and she's definitely someone to look out for.

Antonio "Skii Bo Ski" Wheeler
Ugh, a guy with his own nickname whose only interest is nonstop self-promotion.  This guy is desperate to have people watch him, and sadly, he's getting it.  Even worse is that he's not a terrible singer, but he never stops the awfulness of his attitude.  Randy Jackson urges him to drop "the nonsense."  Simon is the only one with any sense, because everyone else puts him through.  Idiots!  At least Norman Gentle was funny and somewhat entertaining as an alter ego, but Skii Bo Ski is wholly unlikeable.

Lauren Sanders and Carmen Turner
These two are, like, totally super BFFs!  They audition together, and as a pair, it seems more like they're auditioning for a new Disney Channel original series than a singing competition.  They're annoying as all heck.  Lauren looks a little like Alexis Bleidel, but she's an awful singer.  Carmen, on the other hand, is much better.  They act like it's sad when Carmen goes to Hollywood and Lauren doesn't, but I think this was intentional.

Carmen isn't all that great, but next to the crappy vocals of her bestie, she seemed better and got through because of that comparison.  It's a surprisingly cunning strategy for two tweens, and perhaps I'm reading way too much into their motives because I've watched Hannah Montana and iCarly always coming up with wacky, overly complicated  schemes. 

Awful Girl Montage
Three bad female singers go, and at one moment, Mary J. Blige literally says "Oh God" out loud, then quickly covers her mouth.  Thank you, Mary, for proving that even the judges have a limit to the insanity.

Bryan Walker
He's a small town cop, but sadly, he's not one of GOB's Hot Cops.  Yup, that's two Arrested Development references in one recap.  He has an amazing voice that we did not see coming.  Sadly, he'll suffer the same fate as many guys who look and sound like him, a la Scott Savol.  The voice can only carry you so far.

Lamar Royal
He's loud and not very good, even though he thinks he is.  The judges try to explain why he's not good, but all he does is keep breaking into song.  The judges are being incredibly nice, and he won't listen to their constructive advice.  He curses a bunch as he's escorted out.  Mary J. Blige was terrified that he was going to pull out a gun.  Thank God she said it, because if Kara said it, it might be racist.  The more he curses and rages, the funnier it actually gets.  By the end, I kind of like it a lot more than most of the bad auditions.

General Larry Platt
Ugh, it's an older crazy black man who sings an original song called "Pants on the Ground" about how kids these days need to pull their damn pants up or wear a belt.  Hold on, an old black man complaining about kids and their silly fashions?  I think this might be Bill Cosby in disguise!  If you remember that bus driver who sang the original song about how kids shouldn't have sex, this is roughly the same thing, only the Atlanta version.

That's it for this week.  Amid the total tonnage of garbage, at least I found one person I really like: Mallory Haley.  Join us next week when auditions head to Chicago and Orlando with guest judges Shania Twain and Kristin Chenoweth.