"Singers" to Forget
an exceedingly short list this time around, because most of the bad
singers are montaged and unnamed. That is not the case for Zoanette Johnson, who is singing the National Anthem because she
won a bet about Obama's reelection. She sounds like Whitney Houston on
crack. Wait...too soon? She also has a "Hollywood Jive" and wants an
invitation to the White House, and Keith literally falls out of his
chair laughing. He is my favorite judge. Wait, WTF? She got a golden
ticket? I don't care. Rules be damned, I'm not moving her from this
section. If the leaked top 40 list is correct and this chick makes it,
some talented girl REALLY got the shaft.
is actually just terrible, only the judges DON'T give her a pass to
Hollywood. She takes a tumble in her big heels on the way in, just for
good measure, AND she believes that God told her to audition. Yep, she's
why we hate the audition shows. You were doing so well, Idol,
before this travesty (which included a "cheap dramatization" mocking her
alleged conversation with her savior). She vows not to listen to Mariah
Carey anymore, doesn't listen to Nicki Minaj because she worships the
devil, gets into her hatchback station wagon and promises that if
there's no judge changes, she won't be back next season. Good Lord, and
that phrase is now questionable.
holy hell, the show ends with Steven Tyler "auditioning" in drag. Full
drag. It's fine, because it's really the only way to properly cap off
what has to be the strangest audition show in years, if not ever. To
recap, they spotlighted a country bumpkin, an Asian signer, a chick with
a talking stuffed bear and a sick kid with just an okay voice (I guess I
WILL be the first to say it). Not a single golden ticket that actually
wowed at all.
In addition, they put through Zoanette Johnson,
who doesn't belong in a high school talent show. I actually watched her
audition again, from start to finish, to see if I missed anything. And I
didn't. She's horrible. AND she forgot the words to the National
Anthem! What in the hell is happening? And she supposedly makes the top
40? I hope that spoiler list was at least part joke.
also could've done without all the songs from the musical "Oklahoma."
We get it, there's a show named after the state. And what was with all
the crying? There was a whole montage about it. Weren't there any
dynamic performers in Oklahoma City? Doesn't Kevin Durant sing?
Well, that's it for the bread course of our long, drawn-out American Idol
meal. Tune in next week, when we're promised all the appetizers we can
handle. Some will be good, some will be bad, and some we will
(shockingly) send back to the chef. Who are your favorites going into
Hollywood Week? And what did you think of this last audition round? Were
you as confused as I was? Will you stop watching if Zoanette makes the
top 40? And if she makes the top 20 and America gets to vote on her,
will she win?
There's only one positive thing to take from this show, and I owe it all to Glee.
Thank you for returning, show I don't watch, because I only had to sit
through an hour of this garbage. Sadly, it was oddly entertaining.
Watch American Idol at 8 p.m. on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8 p.m.