It's a stream of yeses for Denver, of course, we don't get to see any
of the actual singing but Ryan promises us, there's lots and lots and
lots of yeses in Denver. We'll get to the singing one day, right friends? Danelle Hayes
is from my hometown of Seattle, where she works as a live karaoke hostess and sings for a
cover band. She hates her job and
she's crying even before she starts singing, which can't be a good sign, but the judges love it.
They praise Danelle for wearing her heart on her sleeve instead of
calling her a mess, color me surprised. And color me surprised again,
her audition of Melissa Ethridge's "I'm the Only One" displays a
powerful snarl and pipes with all the emotion of her tears and more.
She over sings a bit, but I think that might come from years of singing
over chatty drunks at bars. Simon says he likes her but thinks she's
broken and Idol could be saving her just in time...hello, hero complex! She gets 100% yes from both Randy and Kara, Victoria says kind
un-robotic words, and my hometown girl gets four yeses, a ticket to
Hollywood, and even a bit of a quivery chin from yours truly. Official Spice Girl Rating: "Viva Forever"
Cue Costume Montage
Including someone dressed as a bat. A hot dog. Punk Rockers. Afros. And more! Casey James
has a sob story, he was in a terrible motorcycle accident, which he tells us
in a monotone that never changes. Which is okay because he's pretty hot, hot enough to distract from the monotone. He sings word for word, note for note
like John Mayer, but is boring as all get out and still monotone. Lucky
for him, as I noted, he is very very hot. Which apparently Kara and Victoria also agree with...somehow the convince Casey to shake out his long locks and to take off his shirt, implying his shirtlessness could improve his chances. Really:
(Nice work if you can get it eh Kara and Victoria.) Clearly the ladies say yes, because of the hotness. Simon says
no and Randy, says yes for the girls, because if these auditions have taught me anything it is that Randy is always willing
to give into a little peer pressure.
Official Spice Girl Rating: "Spice Up Your Life" (by taking off your shirt)
Tori and Hope
is adorable and is ready for TV, but she's still completely over-shadowed by a small child that is for some reason coming with her to
the audition. Her 8 year old companion Hope wins over the judges with
stick drawings of the judges. Like this gem of Randy Jackson:
judges spend more time on Hope than Tori, who once she sings, has an
annoyingly thin high pitched voice, which she makes worse by some
ridiculous vocal runs. I am going to start Melisma
Abuser Anonymous for Idol Auditions and half of these kids should join.
The judges are split on Tori, Victoria and Kara are crazy for her look
and her voice, Randy thinks she's cute as a button, and Simon is the
voice of reason. He says that Tori (who is overly fake tanned) looks like
a giant orange and that he'd rather put through the adorable 8 year old
with her. Unfortunately, it's not a Simon-Majority, and Tori will be
headed to Hollywood.
Where, without her adorable side-kick, we will never hear from her again. Official Spice Girl Rating: "Zigga-Zig-Ahhh" (a non-sensical phrase for a yes that made very little sense.)
is over confident about, well everything. He's reasonably good looking
but he's also a composer! a singer! a football player! Too bad when he
starts singing, he sounds like a pitchy James Blunt and definitely not worthy of his ridiculous swagger. Austin thinks he's the greatest thing ever and is standing there like he has this in the bag, but the judges disagree. Victoria, I am not a robot, Beckham says the audition was so cheesy and pompous it made her itchy. And with that Posh
Spice is my favorite person since Katy Perry said "this is not a Lifetime Movie, sweetheart." He gets four nos and hopefully a reality check.Official Spice Girl Rating: "Wannabe"
Kenny: The Crazy Man Singing At Your Local Park
is the world's best singer. He sings at his neighborhood park and calls
it a "public service." We call that the "crazy guy who we call the cops on," where I come from
Kenny. Man, perhaps my analysis isn't far off, Kenny gives a
schizophrenic performance playing the role of a full block of
crazies...who apparently like to scream single syllables. What did that syllable ever do to you Kenny? Because you are abusing it. Seriously ouch. Kenny, no surprise to us, get's four nos, including a "terrible no" from Randy Jackson. We're not shocked, but Kenny is
astounded, "but I'm a great singer." Which means, of course, he's going
to convince the judges with more screaming including Mary J. Bliges,
"No More Drama." Don't kill that song for me Kenny, or there will be
consequences. Consequences that make your crazy look trivial. Kenny's
audition is like the energizer bunny, because it keeps going and going.
Finally he leaves, still dumbfounded the judges said no. "How can four
people tell you you're a bad singer, when you know you're good? "
Because you are fricking crazy Kenny. It's called delusions of
grandeur. You suffer from them. Official Spice Girl Rating: "Tell Me Why" or "Denying"
day one featured lots of yeses, day two features lots and lots of
terrible. At least we're getting it in montage form, instead of full on
auditions. This way, it is at least bearable and a quick giggle. Nicki
came from Florence Italy to audition for Idol and she speaks like a
toddler. A few words in to her audition and Simon asks if she's been
eating helium. It's a reasonable question. Luckily, she doesn't sing
quite as annoyingly as she speaks, her speaking voice is high and her
singing voice is super low. Nicki isn't great, the song is terrible, TERRIBLE, maybe the worst audition song choice of the entire season,
but it's still good enough for a million percent yes from Randy Jackson.
Which means we will never hear from her helium voice ever again. Official Spice Girl Rating: "Right Back At Ya"
comes with a sob story about being a very premature baby and that she's a
miracle child. Subtitled: she will definitely be making it to Hollywood.
This is not the edit of a train wreck. This is an edit of, let's say a
Top 24 contender. And she sings with the voice of a top 24 contender
too. Her audition is straight up confidence, with big smiles and
personality and that big voice in a little girl thing that Idol loves
so much. She sings with a little twang and a little lisp and the judges
love her. She gets four yeses and unfortunately "a hundred million
percent yes" from Randy. That's okay, with the back story, the pipes,
and the youthful adorableness which screams "I was actually made for
American Idol," I'm pretty sure Hayley will trump that curse. But
Randy, dawg, seriously...stop saying that.
I really don't want to say anything about this guy, because talking about them is exactly what they want. So a photo should suffice and serve to embarrass rather than praise. Hope your 15 minutes of fame was worth a lifetime of embarrassment.
And there you have it, the Mile High audition is done. Victoria Beckham is indeed a human. And depending on the day, Denver can in fact sing.
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