If anyone needed advice, it's this crop of
American Idol semi-finalists. Luckily, they now have me, their Dear Abbey.
This season, I'll be answering fictional questions from the semi-finalists of
American Idol about the pressing issues of the week. In
my debut column, I answered questions from now eliminated contestants Haeley Vaughn and Jermaine Sellers, clearly they paid the ultimate price for not following my expert advice. This week, I'm answering questions from Didi Benami, Tim Urban, Katelyn Epperly, Casey James and Todrick Hall. Hopefully two weeks of Simon Cowell has prepared them for Dear Abbey.
Dear Abbey,
How do I regain my pre-season favorite status? - Didi Benami
Dear Didi,
Don't cry.
Sincerely, Dear Abbey
P.S. Remind us you can actually sing.
Dear Abbey,
What do I have to do to be eliminated? I've tried everything! - Tim Urban
Dear Superstar Bangs and Six-Pack Abs,
I am as stumped as you are, Tim. So I'm going to recommend you do
something truly radical: sing well. If you manage to actually hit most
of the notes you intend to, rather than butchering them, your best
should be so mediocre you'll be forgotten in no time. Either that or
come out and perform with a bag over your head.
Sincerely,
Dear Abbey
Dear Abbey,
What classic should I ruin via a crazy rearrangement this week? - Todrick Hall
Dear Never Met a Hit Song I Didn't Think I Could Make Better,
Don't do it. Step away from the piano. Ignore the melodies in your
head. I hate to reiterate what Mr. Cardigan-in-the-Corner (Randy
Jackson) said, but just sing a song and sing it well. Please. For the
love of everything holy, to protect the memory and integrity of
whatever song you'd like to rewrite and for your safety on the show,
pick a Boyz II Men tune or some other R&B crooner and croon away.
Sincerely, Dear Abbey
Dear Abbey,
You and John think I've been amazing, but the judges don't seem to get me. What can I do to impress them? - Katelyn Epperly
Dear Adorable, Wonderful, Talented Katelyn,
Have you considered bribing them? How about going the Casey James route: unbutton your blouse just north of your navel.? Or what about taking a page from Janell Wheeler's book and rocking the mini? Because seriously, as far as your vocals and performances are concerned, you've been a bright spot in a dismal season. Stay true to you, you're brilliant, and sooner or later they'll see it that . Then again, most artists aren't really famous until after they die--so this could take a while.
Sincerely, Your Second Biggest Fan (After John Kubicek),
Dear Abbey
Dear Abbey,
Kara seems mad at me, how do I win back her affection? - Casey James Hello, Hot-Stuff,
Last week Kara was doing what we professionals call over-compensating. You see, she made a fool of herself drooling over you like Pavlov's dog, so she had to seem cruel and uncaring to appease her husband and to seem even slightly professional. As long as you walk on stage still looking and sounding like Casey James this week, I assure you that Kara's heart still belongs to you. And if she decides she's not interested, I know a certain
American Idol advice columnist who is totally okay with reality TV judge sloppy seconds.
xoxo, Dear Abbey
(Images courtesy of FOX) More Advice From "Dear Abbey:"