If anyone needs advice, it's this crop of American Idol semi-finalists. Luckily, they now have me, their Dear Abbey. All season long, I'll be answering fictional questions from American Idol contestants with real advice.
This week, it's not just the contestants who are asking for my advice, it's the judges too. Read on as I dole out advice and wit to Big Mike, Ellen Degeneres, Simon Cowell and more.
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What are we supposed to do with Miley Cyrus as a "mentor." - Casey
James, Didi Benami, Lee Dewyze, Crystal Bowersox, Paige Miles and Andrew
Dear Everyone Who Can Legally Drink,
Laugh. Take her advice with a grain of salt. Get an autograph for your tween cousin. And most importantly, feel awesome about yourself, because you probably have a better voice than she does.
Sincerely, I'd Buy Any of Your Albums Before Miley'sDear Abbey,
Kara loves my antics on stage, but Simon says they are cheesy and desperate. Who should I listen to? - Big Mike Lynche
Dear That Really Isn't a Question At All,
Always, always, ALWAYS
take Simon's advice over Kara's. Even if Simon says you should jump off a cliff and Kara says something that wouldn't result in serious injury, take Simon's advice. He may be a mean S.O.B., but he's usually right. Plus your stage antics are starting to scream "Las Vegas lounge act," more than "could succeed after Idol
." Tone it down just a little bit, and you'll still be the most engaging performer on stage.
Sincerely, Dear Abbey
What do I do now that my one somewhat funny joke has been eliminated? (RIP unripened banana.) - Ellen
Stop trying to make puns and start trying to give actual advice. You like music, right? Approach judging American Idol
as a music consumer and fan instead of a comedienne. That means no more comments on how adorable contestants are and no more running on stage to hug Tim Urban because he didn't absolutely butcher a tune. And for the love of all things holy, leave the banana joke behind. It wasn't that funny to begin with.
Sincerely, Wondering Why They Hired You in the First Place
A co-worker has recently become very confrontational. I think he wants my job. How do I handle his awkward advances? - Simon Cowell
I can call you Simon, right? Because I feel like we're on a first-name basis.
Anyways, when it comes to that pesky Ryan Seacrest, handle him as you would a potential shark attack
: keep your eye on him at all times and punch him squarely in the nose if he comes too close. (Because really, that is something I would pay to see on TV.) If that doesn't work, be the bigger man and give him your job. You're done with it anyway.
Sincerely, Rooting for you to Sock SeacrestIf you liked Dear Abbey's advice for these fictional questions, you might also be interested in her song choices for the Top 11 contestants this week: