If anyone needs advice, it's the American Idol
Top 5. Luckily, they have me, their Dear Abbey. All season long, I'll be answering fictional questions from American Idol
contestants with real snarky advice.
This week I offer my services and suggestions to Casey James, Aaron Kelly and a Top 5 struggling to sound current with songs as older than their grandparents. Dear Abbey,
What can I do not to seem like a 10 year old this week? --Aaron Kelly
Dear Aaron Archie-Bieber Kelly,
Have you tried growing a mustache? A little peach fuzz on the upper lip will go a long way to prove that you've hit puberty. So will singing in a manner that makes it sound like your voice isn't actively changing. Unfortunately, since you are 12, I believe that's a little bit out of your control ... so how about picking a song that suits your youth and that you don't have to change the lyrics to. Something like, "I've Got a Crush on You."
Tell Your Mom I Babysit Too! Dear Abbey,
I was in the Bottom Two, again, after what was arguably one of my best performances all season. What can I do to avoid elimination this week? - Casey James
If I've told you once
, I've told you a thousand times ... lay off the perm. Seriously. Last week your hair was battling Shania's in a poodle-off and you were clearly the loser.
Slick those curls back this week or wear a jaunty fedora, just please, as a genuine fan - run away when you see someone coming out with the curl booster spray and diffuser. Other than that, I might take a cue from Dancing with the Stars.
When things get dire on that show, the well-chiseled men start wearing less and less clothes... and even if they lose, the rest of us win. After all, It was a shirtless incident that got you through to Hollywood in the first place.
Even if You Go Home, a Shirtless You Would Live in my DVR ForeverDear Abbey,
The judge's keep criticizing us for not seeming contemporary or current, but then they assign us the songs of Frank Sinatra. What the heck are they thinking? - The Top 5 (co-signed by America)
Dear Completely Reasonably Confused Top 5 and America,
I sincerely have no idea. Though I do know if Simon Cowell even THINKS about critiquing one of you guys for not sounding contemporary or current tonight, I will go all Office Space
on my TV. I suggest you do the same America.
Expecting the Songs of Sacred Harp Next Week