Dear Abbey Answers 'Idol' Questions
Abbey Simmons
Abbey Simmons
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
If anyone needs advice, it's this crop of American Idol finalists. Luckily, they have me, their Dear Abbey. All season long, I'll be answering fictional questions from American Idol contestants with real snarky advice.

This week I offer my services and suggestions to Vote For The Worst's new princess, ink advice for Lee Dewyze and ways to spice things up for disinterested Shania Twain.

Dear Abbey,

I only agreed to be a mentor thinking that John Park's gorgeous bottom end would still be there. Now that it's not, I'm less than thrilled about returning to Idol. What can I do to spice things up this week? - Shania

Dear Country Cougar,

We too are bummed that John Park is not there for you to hit on, because sincerely, it was one of the lone memorable moments of the entire season. That's why we think you should increase your lecherousness and set your sites on Kara's favorite cougar bait: Casey James. Not only does he look great in a Western shirt, the possibility of Kara getting jealous and there being an all out cat fight over Casey would be the season's first DVR-able moment. I'd rewind and pause and watch that all day long.

Plus, you're in the market for a new boy toy, Casey's in the market for success after Idol and Kara desperately needs to get on camera without Simon criticizing her singing, so its a win-win for everyone involved.

Cougar Fight! Cougar Fight!

Dear Abbey,
I'm hurt and confused as to why I am the new pick for Vote for the Worst, can you offer me any insight? - Siobhan Magnus

Dear Siobhan or is it Shavon or is it C-O-BOND?

Your name and its many pronunciations may have something to do with it; it does have a similar mellifluousness to it as the VFTW golden child, Sanjaya.

Then it again, it could also have something to do with the following: "what's a dark horse?", outfits that are only acceptable if you dressed yourself both drunk and blindfolded, choosing to sing a contemporary Disney ballad outside of "Disney Week," and answering each one of the judge's critiques at a speed that makes snails seem like world champion sprinters. 

Don't Feel Too Bad, It Means You're Safe This Week

Dear Abbey,

I got a brand new tattoo this weekend and new ink only makes me want more. What tattoo should I get to commemorate my time on American Idol?
- Lee Dewyze

Dear Idol Ink Addict,

There is only one tattoo that would perfectly commemorate your time on American Idol Lee, and that is three magical words. No, I'm not talking about "the dark horse" or "hello pitch problems," I'm talking "Danny Gokey Babies."  Preferably you get these three magical words tattooed on your stomach, ala 2Pac's "Thug Life."

Here's a rough photo shop rendition of how I hope your tattoo turns out:

That's what you look like shirtless, right?

I'll Chip in $50 Towards This Brilliant Tattoo

If you liked Dear Abbey's advice for these fictional questions, you might also be interested in her Shania song choices for the Top 6.