If anyone needs advice, it's this crop of American Idol finalists. Luckily, they have me, their Dear Abbey. All season long, I'll be answering fictional questions from American Idol contestants with real snarky advice.

This week I'll be offering advice to Katie Stevens, Aaron Kelly, Ryan Seacrest and possibly encouraging assault and battery.


Dear Abbey,

Simon says I should pursue country music, while Kara swears I'm a pop singer with R&B influences ... I'm so confused! What would Dear Abbey recommend?  -- Katie Stevens

Dear Confused Katie,

First and foremost, follow my advice to Big Mike  ... if it's ever down to trusting Simon or Kara, always trust Simon Cowell. Always. Even if this week he says you should look into modernizing Gregorian Chants ... you should probably go and find a monk's robe and get to chanting.

However, if the option is whether to follow Simon's advice, Kara's advice or Dear Abbey's advice, I say you should always follow mine. So, have you ever considered trying your hand at heavy metal? Or perhaps emo ballads? I kid, I kid - I happen to think you're more of a jazz standard meets pop kind of singer, like Norah Jones or Michael Buble. It won't win you American Idol, but if done right, you're going to sell so many records it won't matter one bit.

Sincerely, Don't Listen to Cowell or Kara, Listen to MEEEE!


Dear Abbey,

I have a co-worker whose rude behavior just makes my blood boil! I've put up with him for 8 years, but I've recently found his behavior too much to bear. I'm afraid I may not be able to control my rage. What should I do? -- Ryan Seacrest

Dear Furious Leprechaun,

Stop so blatantly gunning for your co-workers job and you may be able to avoid surgery on your soon-to-be broken nose.  As you well know, your co-worker only has a month and a half left on the job and there's nothing stopping him from diving over that desk and punching you in your tiny over-tanned face.

On second thought, keep getting in that guy's face and standing up to him with the indignation of a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. It may end poorly for you, but it will be awesome for the rest of us.

Sincerely, Team Simon


Dear Abbey,

Kara often criticizes me for not singing songs that are lyrically believable.  Seeing that I'm only 16 and can't speed age for the purpose of American Idol, what can I do? -- Aaron Kelly

Dear You May Be 16 but You Look 11,

I feel your pain Aaron. You're a country singer, yet you have no idea what it's like to have your wife leave you, your truck break down, and your favorite distillery get shut down on the SAME DAY. To better understand the songs you're singing, you could get married young and start a nasty drinking habit before you can legally drink, but that will only land you on 16 and Pregnant or Intervention.

So here's a good rule of thumb Aaron: any song that's been covered in a Chipmunks movie is completely okay.  The same thing goes with songs performed on the Mickey Mouse Club. Last and certainly not least, learn the Justin Bieber songbook STAT.

Sincerely,  The Aaron Carter Songbook Also Works

If you liked Dear Abbey's advice for these fictional questions, you might also be interested in her song choices for the Top 9 contestants this week: