Dear Abbey Answers 'Idol' Questions
Abbey Simmons
Abbey Simmons
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
If anyone needs advice, it's this crop of American Idol finalists. Luckily, they have me, their Dear Abbey. All season long, I'll be answering fictional questions from American Idol contestants with real snarky advice.

This week I'll be offering advice on matters of the heart, garnering sympathy votes and even sharing a couple of  beauty tips.

Dear Abbey,

I think I'm just being promoted as a pretty boy instead of a contender, how can I be taken seriously? -- Casey James

Dear Goldilocks,

When you see an Idol stylist coming at you with a curling iron ... run and hide. Seriously. Those ringlets they have you wearing make you look like a '90s bridesmaid or like you've just stepped out of Pantene Pro-V commercial. If you can't avoid the curling iron all together, thwart their evil hair styling ways by pulling those luscious locks back in a pony tail just before the cameras roll.

Sincerely, Blinded by Curl Envy

Dear Abbey,

Everyone else has a gimmick and the producers are pushing me to have one, what's a dreaded girl to do? -- Crystal Bowersox

Dear Gimmick-less Girl,

Keep on keeping on. In a sea of moldable plastic, being yourself is a gimmick in itself.

Sincerely, Take That Gimmick and Shove It

Dear Abbey,

I had my best performance last week and still ended up in the Bottom Three, what's a girl to do? -- Katie Stevens

Dear Why Aren't You Lilly Scott or Katelyn Epperly Again?,

Have you thought about bringing up the ailing Grandmother again? This season seems to be sponsored by sympathy votes, as well as the Billboard Hot 100, so it just might be time to name drop Gran again. Our other advice would be to sing a song in key that doesn't put the audience to sleep, but based on your first five performances that's clearly too much to ask.

Sincerely, Abuelita Abbey

Dear Abbey,

I have a crush on someone and I'm not sure what to do about it. He's not exactly my boss, but he is my superior. Should I follow my heart or the contract I signed to be here? -- Didi Benami

Dear Mrs. Seacrest,

Let's be frank shall we? It's Ryan Seacrest. We all know it. Your flirtation is about as inconspicuous as Ellen's jokes are funny, which is to say, not at all.  But take heart, my little love sick Didi, the feeling seems to be mutual. So I say, hitch your horse to that wagon, because you have a better chance of taking home Ryan Seacrest than the title of American Idol.

Sincerely, Expecting An Invitation to the Wedding 

If you liked Dear Abbey's advice for these fictional questions, you might also be interested in her song choices for the Top 10 contestants this week: