If anyone needed advice, it's this crop of American Idol
semi-finalists. Luckily, they now have me, their Dear Abbey.
This season, every Monday and Friday, I'll be answering fictional questions from the semi-finalists of American Idol
about the pressing issues of the week. For my inaugural column, I took questions from Andrew Garcia, Jermaine Sellers, Tim Urban and Haeley Vaughn.
Since my singing doesn't matter, do you have any good hair care tips for my bangs?
Dear He-Bangs! He-Bangs!
glad you've realized the incredible power of your perfect bangs. I'm
drawn like a moth to a flame, what can I say? You clearly understand
what warms hipster girls' hearts everywhere: a man who spends way more
time on his hair than they do.
If you can't in fact sing (as
we fear), you should harness the true power of those bangs with two
magical words: bang hawk. It worked for Sanjaya and the "pony hawk," I
mean, people are still waxing poetic about that today.
Straight up now, tell me, will I ever top my Paula Abdul cover from Hollywood week?
- Andrew Garcia
Dear Danny Gokey with a Neck Tattoo,
I hope so, because if you do that song it will take iTunes by storm and make you a sensation beyond all Idol
expectations. However, I fear you peaked too soon, courtesy of your season 8 doppelganger, Danny Gokey.
For you to make it to the finals, you're going to have to find some new way to impress the judges outside catchy acoustic renditions of songs. Maybe bust out a ballad and blow them all away? Or maybe step up the rearranging game -- after all, if you don't win Idol
with that strategy, record labels and DJ's will be lining up around the block for you anyway.
Dear Abbey Everyone thinks I'm a diva, how do I change their minds? - Jermaine Sellers
There is really only one answer to this question: stop being a diva. You say you're not a diva in your pre-roll, but everything about your performance, personality, and way too pleased look on your face says the opposite.
Dear Abbey suggests you practice what you preach, silence your penchant for ear-piercing vocal runs and sing something sweet and soulful. Maybe "Do Right Woman, Do Right Man" by Aretha Franklin? It'll show off that rich and beautiful mid-tone that we know you have underneath all that peacock pageantry.
Dear AbbeyHow can I get people over the age of 16 to vote for me? -Haeley Vaughn
Dear Tone Deaf Country Cutie,
Acquire someone else's voice -- like Ursula did in The Little Mermaid
. Barring that,go all-out country, all the time. Because your voice is like nails on a chalk board, the only thing that's going to save you is a) you're pretty freaking adorable or b) people vote for Idol's great country hope, no matter what.
Dear Abbey(Images courtesy of FOX)